FullaBella's Journal, 28 August 2013

Wednesday? Yikes! I barely remember Monday & Tuesday! But then again, we already established via my journal yesterday that my memory is going to the dogs.

That's okay. I like dogs. In my next life I want to come back as a pampered little dog like my Mushy face. I hope I can make someone smile and laugh daily as she does for me.

So here I am on day three of my second year into this healthy mindful eating and just need someone to come slap me around a bit and tell me to knock off the nonsense. I'm getting off track. Not so much with the eating - just the thinking. See, I knew it. Year 2 was going to be the pressure test.

Last night I was COLD. I know.. you're thinking 'B, it's August for goodness sake...no one south of the north pole is cold..' but here in Bellawood the 67 degree's got to me.

So I made SOUP. Good, hot, healthy, homemade vegetable soup with salmon and with a lot of extra water because the broth is my favorite part. And the soup did it's job - filled me up, made me warm, made me feel full and satisfied.

This is where it got screwy. I felt so full and satisfied I felt like I'd overeaten and then I felt like I was slipping off the wagon ... especially when I had my grapes, cheese and nuts for a snack then I had some left over tuna because I really was hungry by bedtime ((why not - dinner had been mostly hot flavored water!)) but I went to bed with all sorts of negative talk going on in my head about eating so late and blah blah and .... ((is anyone going to smack me YET?))

Stupid negative talk. Silly calculating and worrying because the food I ate did the thing it was supposed to do: warm me and make me feel full. Instead of feeling full and I just felt like a fool.

Speaking of feeling like a fool.. let me share with you the story about my HAIR. I tell ya, at least 50% of the journals I've read this week so far talked about their hair... so obviously...August is National Freak Out About Our Hair month and I am celebrating right along side all of you.

I inherited thin hair and a balding scalp from my Grandmother. I got that along with big feet and a Budha belly. Thanks Gram. Thank you very much.

Despite a childhood of having my hair THINNED and STRAIGHTENED because otherwise I had this Rosanne Rosanna Danna thing going on - or maybe DUE to the years of thinning and straightening - my hair started thinning and straightening and going grey all on it's own about the same time it became legal for me to drink.

I've had every hormone and thyroid test out there done. I've rubbed everything from cow placenta to witches brew on my scalp and swallowed enough biotin and pre-natal vitamins to birth a community. Nothing helped. Hence the past six months or so of just saying 'fahgitabout... I'm wearing a hat!' because I just couldn't work up the enthusiasm to waste half an hour every morning trying to shape and shellac my 10 scalp hairs into something resembling a 'do' anymore.

I'd been talking about getting a wig for a couple of years already and when there was an exhibitor at the 'women's fair' on Sunday I bought one. NOT because they made me feel bad (see Monday's journal about the wrinkle cream lady) but because I'd already endured enough dwindling self confidence for years and the opportunity presented itself to have me and a wig salon representative in the same room at the same time.

I look so freaking CUTE it's unbelievable. And if you've been reading me for very long you know that's NOT something I say about myself very often. In fact, I don't think I've ever said that about myself but then again, me and my memory don't play together very often.

My real hair, what there is or WAS of it, has been a shoulder length auburn color treated grey at the roots mess for a long time. I even let it go completely grey a few years ago and for a while it was a pretty neat mix of shades but then it just went ugly flat grey with all the luxurious texture of a brillo pad.

My wig is a platinum blond head turner by golly. And short but the beautician said 'asymmetrical' if that gives you a visual (no, I'm not loading pictures). I've not had short hair since I was six years old because I thought it would make my face look fatter and me look larger but it's actually SLIMMING, again, another word I seldom say about myself. I look at least 10-15 years younger too. I love it.

In fact, my son in law, when he didn't think I could hear him, told his wife I looked 'sexy as hell.' By golly, I'll take that.

The roots are a little brown and it's multicolored brown, platinum, etc., so it looks thick and like I need to get my roots touched up. That may seem like a problem to you but has never been one for me.. at least brown roots anyway. I'll take those over 'needing to get my scalp repainted' any day. No, I've never painted my scalp but I've heard there is a scalp paint.

So where's the 'fool' part in all this? Well, on those days when I may not feel like wearing the rug .. I felt if I were going to pull this off ... I needed my natural hair to sort of match from beneath my cap or hat. So I went this morning to get it cut & colored to match my wig. It cost $125 to get my hair cut & colored to stick under a hat or wig? And she said the next color would only be $75 because my hair would be shorter ((( although I already told her to cut the hair off anyway ))) so I thought about it and went 'whoa Nellie... let's think this one thru a bit...' Yeah, I got the slop & chop today but this maintenance schedule is a bit out of my realm after so many years of being retired.

Regardless... what a day. Hope y'all had a good one too. I just freaked out a few minutes ago when I heard 'Hi-Ho Silver' and thought it was dinner time; apparently they've moved the Lone Ranger up a half an hour! Whew.

Parting thought... Ranger had a dog named Trigger; Roy Rogers had a dog named Bullet. Coincidence both dogs reference fire arms? Hmmm.

Thanks for reading.



Negative self-talk is a difficult cycle to break out of, especially for those of us who have had a less than healthy relationship with food for the better part of our entire lives. Yes, I mean me. But at least you are seeing it, recognizing it as something destructive and challenging yourself to change rather than simply accepting the words and digesting them along with your meal. I love your wig story and I have no doubt that you are "so freaking cute" and "sexy as hell". Go, Bella, go! I have always had thin hair - thin to the point where, in the 80's where big hair was in vogue, my attempts at volume resulted in a hairdo where I needed to avoid bright lights because the outline of my skull could be seen through my hair if I stood the wrong way. Flatter hair styles have saved me from that embarrassment but I have toyed with the idea of, if not a wig (because I fear it would make my penchant for sweating from head worse), a clip in hair piece or some such thing. If I were rich, I think I could even embrace the idea of a weave. So, ya, I identify with your desire to have thicker hair and, truth be told, I feel just a tinge of envy!  
28 Aug 13 by member: evelyn64
As always Bella you made me smile - I laughed out loud when you talked about the theme song to Lone Ranger :) I am glad you got a wig and that getting that wig made you feel better about yourself. And imagine thinking for yourself that you look pretty and slim? And son in law thinks you look sexy? It was worth it no matter what price you paid. So hopefully you can forget the negative self talk today and enjoy the 'new you'. And I want to come back as a pampered cat to a good home, if I have to come back, but I don't think God would be cruel enough to make us do this more than once, would He? 
28 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
A woman's hair is her glory - so saith someone.... And it's true. You are glorious and I'm glad your hair has caught up with you!  
28 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Alright here is that smack up side the head..stop the negatives at your self...You are a kind, loving and spirited woman..that looks sexy to your son in law..and I bet you do look cure as the dickens in that wig..I do understand about the hair and the way it makes us feel..I do have thick hair but its very bushy on humid days...I look like I have stuck my finger in a light socket..on those days I either stay home or pin it up...I love soups too..they do fill you up and low cal.. I fix a lot of it in the winter...Now feel good about YOU...Hugs..:O) 
28 Aug 13 by member: BHA
The wig sounds great. It has to make your life simpler and those indirect compliments (your son in law) are the best and most truthful. So relish how good you look! That's got to give you incentive to keep going - and to feel better about yourself. What a nice boost!  
28 Aug 13 by member: sw21204
Sweet Ce said it all. :) I'm glad you made the move. Now make sure to now have more "Platinum blond moments" than necessary. :D Oh, and punch the negative self talk in the gut from me.  
29 Aug 13 by member: kingkeld
Glad that wig gave you the boost you needed. Now no one will have to smack you upside the head. What you save in past food bills will probably pay for your hair maintenence, so do it.  
29 Aug 13 by member: cjmurph
Bella, once again I had a great time reading your journal! You describe everything so vividly that I can picture everything, including your grandmother! :) I'm glad you found THE wig that makes you look so hot! If the son in law said so is true! (we all know how much 'in laws' normally love each other! lol) I also thought that my round face wouldn't match a short hair, until I cut it and looked younger and so better fixed, even if I did nothing. Now I'll never let it grow again (and you probably won't either!). 
29 Aug 13 by member: Re Becca
I admire your sense of adventure. I bet you look amazing! 
29 Aug 13 by member: Neptunebch
Thanks everyone. Yeah, it was tough to make that leap ... same old broken record ... even when I'm no longer the elephant in the room my hair or lack of it still was - at least - to me. I'm self actualized enough to rock a cap or hat but sometimes (like the night I went out to the fancy dress restaurant) the hat didn't go with the outfit and I was just tired of 'avoiding direct light'. Adventurous? Maybe. But more and more as I rationalize what I did (and if I didn't like it .. I'd have tossed it back in the box onto the top shelf by now ) I think about what the tech said 'If you'd lost a tooth .. wouldn't you go get it replaced?' I've spent so many years hiding myself - thin and fat - just hiding because of one thing or another. When we were at the expo that day my friend bought me a painting that read 'sometimes the only transportation is a leap of faith'. This was 'after' I test drove the wig but was still walking around thinking about it. *I* took the sign to refer to my going to CHURCH on Saturday as I had after the VSD left - that was new to me - (afternoon mass) but she felt it was about the wig (even though she's a good church going lady). But I do feel better. I remind myself that's one of the perks of being a woman: changing my looks whenever I can or feel I need to. And I'm blessed I had a good friend there with me to encourage me to do it. I can imagine I may have a little hair malfunction day some day and will have to get over it - part of life. And maybe like some women who get pregnant once they stop trying.. maybe having my hair cut off and bleached yesterday may jump start it's own regrowth. It's all about that leap of faith and still finding peace today. Thanks again everyone. 
29 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella


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