FullaBella's Journal, 01 May 2013

Aristotle: “No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.”

Thanks Ari; I feel much better. Otherwise, I felt complete madness at lunch when I determined the part I was really enjoying (and wanting more of) in my meal of albacore tuna with chopped onions, dill pickle chips, mayo and mustard was the part without the tuna so as I still felt the need to eat after waiting 1/2 hour that's what I had.

Now I feel done. Not hungry. No more craving. Whew. I don't know what it is about my body that makes it crave mayo but experience has told me ignoring that craving gets ugly and logic tells me I don't need to increase the 'healthy yet unwanted' part of the meal just to justify the 'dessert'.

I know few people consider mayo dessert ~ back to madness I suppose.

I had a moment of madness last night ~ I did that thing again where I confused the recommended caloric deficit to lose weight vs maintenance. You know when you go 'What? That's all I get to eat for the rest of my life..?'

Hate it when my brain switches like that.

Like it's really just that accurate of a situation that can be solved by math. If only.

I know what led to it. I've decided to try to eat more for a week or so; healthy but more. Just shake things up a bit. But then my left brain thinker kicked in and started doing calculus and before I knew it I was all freaked out and feeling hungry. Hate it when I do that.

Then I watched a documentary on birds and it sort of made more sense.

Yes, it's truly madness I can relate and rationalize my behaviour with birds.

I'm referring to how there are birds in New Zealand that have absolutely no fear because they have no predators. They will fly right up to a human and eat out of their hand. There is no 'centuries of fear and survival' bred into their makeup.

They are fearless, unlike the wild birds in my back yard who now take me for granted and chatter at me when the feeder gets low despite the way they scamper away and just lurk as far away as possible from me when I'm outside. If they only knew enough to trust me I'd probably turn my back yard into an aviary for them. A safe haven to breed and reproduce.

I know from where my fear and stupidity was born: adults and diet gurus. Unlike a baby bird who seems to instinctively know where NOT to fly or linger, I got into a lot of risky situtions when left to my own devices. It's how I learned 'stoves are hot' and 'electrical outlets spark if you stick sharp things in them.'

There was no instinct or fear in the beginning. It was ground into my psyche little by little year after year.

Some was necessary but the rest.. not so sure. I really hate that before too long and for too many years I found myself beginning far too many sentences with, "I'm afraid if...."

Breaking that habit will require more learning than instinct. Definitely worth a try.

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself; nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. Franklin D. Roosevelt

Thank you for reading.

Bella

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1966 kcal

Fat: 87.10g | Prot: 134.57g | Carb: 178.94g.   Breakfast: Quaker Old Fashioned Oats, Nature's Way Efagold Coconut Oil, Spectrum Organic Ground Flaxseed, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Fage Total 0% Greek Yogurt (Container). Lunch: Smart Balance All Natural Rich Roast Creamy Peanut Butter, Onions, Yellow Mustard, Pickles, Mayonnaise, StarKist Foods White Albacore Tuna in Water. Dinner: Schwan's No Sugar Added Fat Free Vanilla Ice Cream, Bacon, Onions, Spinach, Beef Liver. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Golden Fruit Blend, Cottage Cheese. more...

1934 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...