Klynn82's Journal, 19 June 2018

Seize every moment you can, once missed they never come back around...

Happy Tuesday, my friends!!! I hope this day is treating you all well. So far, so good here!! Its what we call "push day" here at work, meaning all orders from Thurs of last week until this morning have got to go out today for the payout, which always means free lunch. I am hoping for bbq today, but we shall see.

Sunday was a hard day for me, father's day always is. I lost my dad almost 30yrs ago and every year is hard. People say "it gets easier" but thats not true, it doesnt get easier, you just get more adept at handling it. There are still times I cry like it happened yesterday, but then there are days I can go all day without thinking about him. I always wonder if he would be proud of who I have become. I try to be the kind of person he was, a kind, gentle, giving person. He loved everyone he ever met, and you never wondered about how he was feeling, because it was always so pure and written all over his face.

He died of a heart attack, he was 45. He was also nearly 600lbs. When I started Keto, I got so angry at him. I told my husband, because I was losing weight so easily, that I felt like he didnt WANT to be around. He knew that he was too heavy, that it would kill him. Yet he didnt make changes, he didnt do whatever it took to stay with us. He allowed food to kill him. David told me that things were different then, they didnt know the things that they know now, and that he was a truck driver, it was easier for him to eat fast food and prepackaged junk than to bring healthy things on the road with him. I know, in my heart, that he didnt want to die, but it hurts me to see how easy this is for me, and know that just a change in what he ate could have saved his life. It breaks my heart, even now, to not have my daddy there when I need someone to talk to. I wish I could tell him, just one more time, how much I love him and need him. I cant. So please, if you have your father, tell him. Tell him that you love him, that he is important to you, because there will be a day that you cant and its the hardest day you will ever face.

I use this journal to face my addiction, to face my hurts and fears. I know that at times, I am too raw, too open with who I am and how I am feeling, but I think that it helps. More than helps me be accountable for what causes my weight gain, it helps people see that there is someone there, struggling, and working hard to make one more tomorrow. Make it better than today. I hope you all know that I do share too much, because I want to show that a 500lb girl, who never loved herself, could get to a place where she can look in the mirror without cringing. A girl who felt so hopeless, can finally see that at the end of this journey, is the girl she always wanted to be and never thought she could. She is there, waiting for me to get there, and I am getting there!! Every tear, every overshare, ever heartbreak, she is getting closer, I am getting stronger. I will meet her, and as much as I always hated me...I will love her. I will love her loose skin, because it shows that she fought a battle that so many before her have lost. She will be beautiful.

Today I will pray for those who have suffered loss, for the Lord to restore and refresh them, heal the pain and make it bearable. I will pray that He shows that He is there and ready to love us, no matter where we stand. I will pray for our journeys, I will pray that he shows us the path that we need to take to reach the goals that we have set for ourselves. I will thank Him for the progress and successes that we have already made and give him glory for the strength to continue on. I will pray for those that stumble, that He gives them the will and strength to stand again. I will pray for love and mercy for all. In Jesus name, Amen!!

I am going to post a picture of me when I was at my thinnest, lol, its me and my dad at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I was...2 or 3...somewhere in there. He was and still is my hero and I pray everyday that I live a life that would have made him proud to call me his daughter.

Diet Calendar Entries for 19 June 2018:
1323 kcal Fat: 95.82g | Prot: 87.96g | Carb: 27.62g.   Breakfast: Carrington Farms Pure, Unrefined, Cold Pressed Coconut Oil 100% Organic Extra Virgin, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Land O'Lakes Heavy Whipping Cream. Lunch: El Pollo Loco Flame Grilled Chicken Thigh, Steak, Fresh & Easy Pico De Gallo, Cilantro (Coriander), Onions, Great Value Shredded Mild Cheddar Cheese. Dinner: Frigo Cheese Heads Original String Cheese, Homemade-Style Spaghetti Sauce with Beef or Meat. more...
3282 kcal Activities & Exercise: Fitbit - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Just here to send love and support. Father's Day is tough for me too. 
19 Jun 18 by member: Peasy3
Your words are powerful my friend. I’ve always described “grief” in the loss of a beloved person, as like losing one’s arm. The arm never grows back. The arm will always be missed. One simply adjusts one’s life to function without the arm. Some days are easier than others, but the reality wakes every morning. You are in my thoughts and prayers. 
19 Jun 18 by member: glen
A very heartfelt, touching post. My love and support to you. 
19 Jun 18 by member: Highland Heather
Keep being you, you're awesome!  
19 Jun 18 by member: Phil
Hugs & Love to you <3 Dads are special and the loss does not get easier, just more manageable in my case. I 'talk' to my dad (& mom) everyday. I love the way your dad is looking at you in the photo with genuine love <3 
19 Jun 18 by member: JMA312
Love it 
19 Jun 18 by member: HCB
Your Dad s kindness shines in his eyes !And in yours now ! So glad you share that with FS families! 🍒🍒🍒💕 
19 Jun 18 by member: gsn fan
(((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.  
19 Jun 18 by member: kattay
Love your posts, but especially this one. Even though my relationship with my father was never what you had with yours, I feel the love that was shared between you both through your words. Beautiful. ❤ 
19 Jun 18 by member: Becc@
Well we support you in your efforts to break that family pattern. I’m sure your nephew wants to keep you around as well. 
19 Jun 18 by member: Kenna Morton
This picture is so precious! We are lucky to have great dads and even though your dad left this world way too early, you can feel peace and smile knowing he loves you so much and left a loving example for you to follow. I believe you’ll be with him again after this life. 
20 Jun 18 by member: momma6224

     
 

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