FullaBella's Journal, 06 April 2017

Ever since I got that (now nearly faded henna 'keep calm') tattoo in San Antonio Blondie has been after me to get a 'real one'. While that WON'T happen I decided this morning if I DID get another henna it would read "not for public consumption". But more on that later.

Grocery store visit last night - reminded me why I am so elated with the fresh boxes I'm getting. After a few weeks of recipes I'd been thinking 'okay, I got this, I can pick this stuff up at the store and go it on my own'. However, going INTO a grocery store reinforced WHY I don't want to go INTO a grocery store anymore than necessary.

For the life of me I'll never understand this concept: the aisle is designed for two baskets to travel and pass without playing bumper baskets. However, experience and observation yields 99% of shoppers push the basket on one side of the aisle and then body block the other side of the aisle browsing items from those shelves across from their basket. This results in oncoming shoppers, generally... ME... being forced to wait. And breathe. And chant. And reflect, 'thank goodness I only have to come here about once a month now.'

End Rant.

I didn't quite get all of my food recorded yesterday and I'm not going to sweat it. I'd already exceeded RDI by lunch so having the numbers on that homemade cheeseburger was informative.

Returning here will not be the 'numbers' game of the past. I'll not be doing calculus all night in bed ala 'Well, let's see, at my weight the energy I used today should have burned X calories and I ate Y calories so my weight loss should be Z'.

Returning here was truly, whether ANYONE believes it or not, merely to find that breakfast from 2013. Then visiting in private messages with some of my dear friends from before who noticed I was online helped me began thinking of being aware of what I'm eating and the nutritional value.

So being back in the fold of it will be a bonus but I am not going to repeat the 'all or nothing' I have in the past. That was a fail. Every.Single. Time.

The AON consists of measuring and recording every single bite and doing my best to only consume 50-80% of the RDI. Of course, because I'm generally 300+lbs when I start this the over all the impact is immediately noticeable as I'm able to drop 50lbs in two months; then another 50lbs within six months so I'm down 100lbs in less than a year but that's when the real work kicks in.

By then the whirlwind loss is over and the maintenance without any real noticeable changes gets harder than losing the 100lbs. Plus, by then people are asking DAILY 'how much have you lost now' and when I say 'still the same' they display disappointment and I feel like a loser, like I've let them down. Seems silly to read but that's my experience.

So I do like fresh food and generally enjoy cooking my own meals as long as they are like the ones provided - something that can be put together in a half hour or so. I'm eating fresher and that has to have a better nutrition. If any weight loss is a bi-product, wonderful.

I'm not going to weigh in because I don't want it to be about a number. I'll know if my clothes start feeling loose or if my ability to stand or ambition to move increases. Being more conscious of sugar will help my labs improve and if those improve it means my health will follow suit.

Would I love to wake up in the morning at a healthy weight and ready to walk across the state? Sure. Do I sometimes HATE myself for what I've allowed to happen when I have to stop and pause when walking lengths or of course dread the upcoming summer knowing I'm going to spend most of the time in a pure puddle of sweat and discomfort anytime outside of A/C? Of course.

But at some point in my life I have to stop the AON. I have to be able to accept myself for today with the goal to do better simply because it's better for me. I'm not going to freak out or rant about GMO'd vegetables or shriek when presented with something high fat, carb, sugar or all of it. I'm not going to live on healthy eating websites and let my entire conversation be controlled by talk of such. Today is this meal. Later will be another. All I can do is better. Not best. Trying to be the best was a fail. I'll settle for better today.

I've always had something akin to a light switch that flips everything at one time and when it does shift I'm 110% gung ho about the health and weight mentally, physically and emotionally. I've been waiting for that switch for about a year now. I regained the 2013 weight loss by late 2015. Fifth time.

So, the switch may never flip on. Maybe this is the flip - just a calm, hopefully steady approach. Maybe this will be it.

Until then... today I am what I am. Trying. I'm trying. That's what I am. Today.

I remember when I first started the food boxes and shared how much I'm enjoying the process people commented 'oh my goodness, you're going to lose a lot of weight this way.'

For the life of me I could not convince them it was about avoiding the Pajama Party at the Grocery store. It became my own version of the 'less filling, tastes great' beer argument.

I know, from past experiences over and over, the very second I decide and then ignorantly announce I was attempting to lose weight, two things happen: A) every morsel I put into my mouth becomes under the scrutiny of those thinking they are supporting me and B) Those pretending to support me but secretly resenting me for attempting what they are (not) will offer me food with 'oh, a little bit isn't going to help you' and when I say, "thank you, but I'm not hungry or craving that (thing) right now" I'm then lectured with 'don't you think you're being a bit extreme?'

I will get better about calmly saying 'my health, my weight, my way of life, is not up for discussion. Thank you but time to change the topic.'

I'll talk about here. Rant. Try. Explore. Experiment.

But otherwise...nope, not for public consumption. Now where's that Henna artist...?

Bells

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723 kcal

Fat: 45.59g | Prot: 28.65g | Carb: 48.68g.   Breakfast: Land O'Lakes Salted Butter, Eagle Brand Fat Free Sweetened Condensed Milk, Sunset Sweet Bell Peppers, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Boar's Head Smoked Gouda, Fresh Express Baby Spinach, America's Choice Bacon Thick Sliced, Onions, Egg. more...