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19 June 2008

THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING A JOURNAL

We have all probably kept a diary or journal at some point in our lives. As a child, I remember trying to write daily about how my day was going. I probably did that several times but they were just phases.

But Fatsecret is different. When you journal on here, you still are writing about your personal feelings and experiences but you get the added bonus of support. While we may not feel comfortable with family members reading our personal details, the power of sharing with strangers is strangely incredible.

Strangers seem to allow you to remain anonymous and 'safe' and that in turns allows you to be yourself more. I once had a friend tell me that he loved me because for the first time in his life 'I can be myself around someone'. We are always playing a role, whether it be wife/hubby, mother/father, daughter/son, and all these roles are so complex and interwined that you seem to forget HOW to be yourself. You see parents, children, siblings every day so there is a lot of guidance on how to be one, but where is the guidance on how to be yourself?

What I have felt here is that I have finally found genuine friends. I dont socialize because you meet mostly fake people who are all trying to present an image which they feel you will like. Well I like real people who are honest with themselves and others. I also like proactive people who dont spend all their time complaining but actually try to find ways to solve their problems. Fatsecreters tend to be proactive people by the mere step of joining and journalling.

Reading other peoples journals has been a wonderful therapy for me. I get to see that there are so many others facing similar situations as me. Yes, we are all dieting and that is the one common thread but then when people talk about their day to day family lives and problems they encounter, whether it is the husband or the daughter or medical problems, I feel more connected.

Then there are members who have been kind enough to share their family photos. I feel truly honored when people share their photographs because it is as if they consider us part of their extended family. (I am officially adopting Leannes gorgeous son Finlay as my nephew!)Its not just about putting a face to all the words you are reading but connecting on a higher level through the constant sharing.

Inspiration is another word that comes to mind when I think of numerous journals that I have read recently. There are people fighting physical illnesses. There are people fighting mental or social illnesses and yet are strong enough to write about it. There are people who share before and after pics and that is truly inspiring because you also want to strive for that goal.

After perusing journals, I became confident about sharing my own pic online (something I NEVER DO!). I felt 'normal' finally after reading so many people going through the same problems and issues as me and also not knowing what to do. I could share my problems here and have all these amazing people take the time to give me advice. Even if they didnt have advice, they always shared support which is equally considerate. I have the most phenomenal buddy, Sharonfriz, who always makes a point of checking in on me and making sure my exercise and diet is going well. Just knowing that she is there in case I stumble makes me more confident about my dieting. Its like walking on a tightrope but knowing that your buddy is there with a safety net to break your fall.

I have changed my diet goals as well because of peoples journals and pics. After seeing Lucybells and Kellybos before and after pics, I realized that 140lbs will be a decent target to go for. Anything more than that is going to be my bonus. I have also learnt that I dont need to stick to a particular size or a particular weight, I just need to be the healthiest number I can be. People weigh more than me and are several sizes smaller. There are also people who (claim to be anyway) lighter than me but are wearing the same size clothes as me. Knowing all this has helped me become more comfortable in NOT wanting to be a size 6 or weighing only 114lbs. Also, because of learning about all the health tests people have done, I am now determined to get myself also checked to find out my health level. I havent done this in ages and have always been meaning to do so, but reading about other people having the sense to do so, has also encouraged me.

People may not realize that by simply journalling as often as possible, you are not providing therapy for yourself by putting your feelings to paper, you may actually be helping someone else in their lives. What may appear as an insignificant comment or picture, could speak volumes to someone else. What we say on our journal, could impact and change someone elses life without us ever knowing it.

So, I want to take this opportunity to thank every single person who has been journaling and allowing me to share in their lives. You all have impacted my life in so many ways and all for the better.

Finally, PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE TO JOURNAL REGULARLY!!

Long live the journal!!

(14 comments)

17 June 2008

Wow..the effects of my weed are trailing off now...LOL..no..I dont do drugs..or weeds or anything even slightly intoxicating..(no drinking or smoking)!

The euphoria of discovery is quite a high in itself.

Yesterday, I discovered;

-The key to peace with my hubby is when we are not talking to each other. I have always known this but I havent had this 'not talking to each other' fiasco in a little while now so I forgot. When hubby is not talking to me, he is also not criticizing me; he is not nagging me; he isnt commenting on my every word and action; he isnt being anal about every small little tiny thing. It is so peaceful because I can get on with my life without fear of what will he say now.PEACE AT LAST!

-I DO have control over my daughter. My daughter has tortured me so much mentally that I have had a couple of meltdowns from sheer frustration and helplessness.

Even my oldest thinks she is rude and recently at her birthday party..she was screaming at me in front of friends and her own friend said 'you cant talk to your mother like that'.

But when I tried to get support from my sister, she seems to blame me."Well, if she has an attitude, she must be getting it from somewhere and if you arent nice to her she is just copying you!"

But for the past couple of days, I have stood firm and not gotten phased by her disgusting repulsive behavior. Because of this, life is getting a little easier now. She is slowly giving in to helping me out and has started making me coffee. She is deliberately making it as vile tasting as possible so that I dont ask her any more but I am still drinking the crap to put a damper on her schemes.

I also fought with another demon and won. I am one of the most organized people you will find..except when it comes to doing housework, which I hate so much. I stuck to my schedule of cleaning the first floor of my house on a Monday, scrubbing down the bathrooms, dusting and vacuuming. I then went to the grocery store and bought a whole bunch of cleaning supplies and some containers to store them in. Cleaned out the undersink cabinet and organized all the cleaning products which were previously just stuffed sporadically in there. And then..took on the biggest monster of them all...ironing. I stopped ..didnt finish..ironing at 4am. Caught up on about a months worth of ironing.

I dont think I quite matched 08's record of housecleaning for 10 hours but I am still proud of myself for having accomplished so much without stressing. I think that the fact that its almost my time of the month and I usually get into a weird Mary Poppins mode around that time has helped alot!

So 3 wins for me-0 wins for my disturbers of harmony-AND THE WINNER BY A SCORE OF 3 WINS TO NONE IIISSSSSSSSS

NISSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(8 comments)

16 June 2008

I GOT NEEEEEEEEEEEEEWW JEANS
KNOW WHAT I MEEEEAAAN?

I GOT NEEEEEEEEEEEEEWW JEANS
AND I FEEL SO SEREEEEEEEENE

I GOT NEEEEEEEEEEEEEWW JEANS
I LOOK LIKE A QUEEEEN

I GOT NEEEEEEEEEEEEEWW JEANS
AND NOW I FEEL SO KEEEEEEN

I GOT NEEEEEEEEEEEEEWW JEANS
I AM BACK ON THE SCEEEENE

Ok...I bought a pair of jeans a couple of days back and I feel like I died and went to heaven. I had two pairs of jeans from 5 years ago. One is in hiding in a bag in the basement labelled 'I wish...' and the other one fits so tightly on the thighs and gives me a massive muffin top(size 10). I purchased a 3rd pair of jeans from Kmart (size 16) but the cut is so horrid and baggy on the thighs that I use it only in emergencies. So basically, I had 1.5 jeans. Now I have 1 pair of jeans that fit divinely. Not too tight on the waist..not too baggy on the thigh..and just enough looseness on the butt to say..'hey, see my butt really is not that big!'

It feels so good to wear a pair of jeans that are comfortable and yet not reminescint of hand me downs. (baggy, oversized)

When I tried them on in the store, I wasnt sure about the fitting because they were size 12 and I didnt think I was, so I only bought one. Now I am kicking myself because they were boot cut, my favorite; they were on sale for only $14.99; and there were so many size 12's laying around!!!

Lord, please help me to get back to that mall asap!

DISTURBERS OF HARMONY

For the past few days I have been dealing with one of the disturbers of my harmony, namely my daughter Princess 'serve me'. She doesnt do any housework or chores; doesnt clean her room; isnt very concerned about her hygiene and is obnoxiously rude to me to the point of ordering me about.

So, the first thing I did was ban her from the computer a few days ago for a week with the option of regaining her comp privileges if she displayed examplary behavior. Today, I made her help me do some house chores. It was so hilarious to see her whine and moan and grumble and snort and kiss her teeth and every other noise she could make to show her displeasure at being made to lift a finger.

The task? To use furniture polish to clean her and my bedrooms! The way she was acting was as if I had asked her to clean the entire house!! All she had to do was dust about 7 items of furniture but it took forever as she would dust a nightstand..whine hiss and curse under her breath...or lay on a bed as if exhausted, then being made to do the next item and again..laying down..once even on the floor in some sort of protest! LOL ..I would have had sympathy...if I could stop myself from laughing so hard!! She just huffed and puffed and tried to blow my house down..but girlfriend...

I am a brick...Hooouse...I'm mighty mighty..just letting it all hang out!

So my disturbers are going down..and I am back on top!!

YEAH BABAY!!

(8 comments)

16 June 2008

HALLELUJAH! I can finally get rid of that 'weigh in now' tormentor! I have moved the scales past my last weigh in, which was way over two weeks ago. The interim grocery drought and the memorial day weekend trip knocked my weight up 5 lbs, so the 145 lb reading was false for a little while now.

A funny little ancedote about my weigh in this morning. Woke up, went to the bathroom, did the morning routine of brushing, washing etc..and went downstairs to where my scales are tucked away (to prevent obsessive compulsive weighing 100 times a day!).

146lbs. A momentary disappointment as I know how hard I have been controlling my urges for the past few days and being a good girl, even with an increased sugar cravings.

Walked around, did a few things in the kitchen. A short while later got an urge to go to the bathroom again..for bigger things! Being a person always seeking knowledge, I decided to see how much difference the 'deficit' would make. Weighed myself again.

145.6lbs. OK...the weight has dropped already in the space of half an hour. Now I am thinking. How can I make this go down even more? Of course...take my clothes off! Took off my pajamas and weighed again.

145.2lbs. Wow..these pjs dont weigh much! Gotta go down more! The wiring in my bra and those metal hooks must weigh alot ;-)..so off with the top and the bra!

144.8lbs. Brilliant! Finally moved past my previous 145.4lb reading! Hold on...wait...whats that I see on my wrist...a watch?...a metal watch?...that must weigh a ton! Gotta take that off!!

144.2lbs!! WHOAH...WHAT A DIFFERENCE BEING NAKED MAKES!!

Birthday suits rock!

Weigh-in: 144.2 lb

lost so far: 3.8 lb

still to go: 9.2 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(7 comments) losing 0.3 lb a week

15 June 2008

Today was an average day. I was rather hoping that being Fathers day, hubby would step up to the plate at least for one day in the year.

NOTHING. He went swimming and then to watch a sporting event and then wherever else he may have felt like going. (I called to ask where he was and he said..'whats it to you?')

Came home and saw me in the kitchen and said..shall I help you with something..I replied are you running a fever? And then my little bear showed up so I said 'if you want to help me..just babysit him for a little while so I can finish making dinner'.

I handed the food on a plate and saw hubby come back two or three times for seconds so I assumed that little bear was eating. Then my two year old walks in and says..Mummy I want dinner.

But isnt daddy feeding you? 'daddy no give me dinner mama'. I went to the living room and saw hubby pigging out instead of feeding my little bear.

OK..I know I was supposed to be calm and think about my disturbers of my harmony...but I blew it! I was so pissed off that he would neglect a two year olds food needs in favor of feeding himself first. A perfect compromise if he was that hungry was to eat and feed little bear at the same bloody time!

So I threw a mini fit and he started going on about how I didnt want him to eat and wanted him to starve. Its always about HIM..he is not listening to anything I say. I am saying that you could have fed the little one first and then yourself or just eat together instead of neglecting him completely.

But like every other disagreement, the whole argument turns into me 'victimizing' him.

Am I wrong in my thoughts? Please, if you disagree definitely speak up so that I can rationalize this situation better. I am so livid right now about the fact that he would do this (and this is a daily occurance in every single situation...he sees his side of a story only)

AAGGHHH!!

(10 comments)

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