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caged liberty's Journal

 
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06 June 2008

CHAPTER 1. OLD IS GOLD-SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MOLD?

I thought I was young, hip and happening. In fact I cant wait to hit my 40th birthday because I feel too young!

But my son is bringing me back to reality in terms of not being hip enough. A few weeks back, I went to the mall with him to buy some clothes. He wanted to buy some shorts so I told him to try them on first because I didn't want to come back to stand in that dreaded returns line.

Well he came out and displayed his shorts to me. Those shorts just looked really odd and baggy..the kind one would expect to see on a senior golfer somewhere in a retirement community in Florida.

"How are they?" I asked.

"Tight" he nodded, almost as if in agreement with my opinion.

"Well go get a bigger size then!" I replied. Suddenly he and his friend just burst into laughter and his friend nearly fell on the floor in hysterics. Yep, I was as confused as you probably are right now reading that.

Seeing my perplexed look, my son said.."its cool..in your language.. I meant tight as in its good" OOOHHHHH!! Well I had heard of that word many times but just didn't make the connection.

And today, I was taking my son to school and he suddenly blurted out " Oh my god, is that guy taking the piss?"

"Why, what did he do?" I asked thinking someone was acting stupid on the road somewhere.

"NO. he really was taking a piss...right at a bus stand. In front of everyone!" OOOHHHHHH - AGAIN! I think I have mold on the brain!

CHAPTER 2. THE END- Of a tough week that is.

My son broke his leg last week and this has meant a lot of extra work for me. Apart from running up and down constantly to tend to his ever growing demands of water, food, attention..(and occasionally a good kick up the ass...which he asks for when he gets sassy!), I have had transport problems.

Because of his crutches, he was apprehensive about going on the school bus. Our local transport service also provides a pick and drop provision for people with needs, such as my son.

Well, They showed up on Friday at 6.05am when I had scheduled the ride for 6.50am. Apparently, the 5 and the 0 got switched around.Well that was the time I normally would have started getting him up. So the bus driver left and I ended up having to drop him off.

Monday the bus showed up again..at 6.30am. Getting better but still, WRONG TIME! My sons school is only a five minute drive away so going there at 6.30 would have meant waiting 30-40 mins for the 7.20am school start. With a broken leg, theres really not much you can do in terms of trying to pass the time. So I dropped him off again.

On the way back, he got stranded as the bus service FORGOT to pick him up. Had to call them and get my boy back home! Next day I dropped him off and had him come home on the school bus.

Anyway, this has been the case the whole week. The worst part is..I had to get up around 5.45am every morning just to start getting him up. Normally this is hubbys job because if the 2 year old wakes up before his regular time..he becomes super cranky the whole day. I just sleep in until around 8.30-9.00am which is the only luxury in my daily routine.

I had trouble falling asleep because of the fear of not getting up on time. Son broken leg had exams this week so it was imperative that he went on time. So the whole week has meant I have barely slept. This morning I went to get him up and fell asleep at the foot of his bed while trying to get him up. Luckily, hubby woke us both up and we dashed to make it on time!

I am suffering from sheer exhaustion but the positive side..I get to sleep in for the next two months now!! September, my two year old will have turned 3 so I will be waking very early from then.

CHAPTER 3-SO WHERE ARE YOU REALLYFROM?

Some guys asked where my husband is from. Well we are both from Pakistan. The difference is that I was raised in the UK while he was raised in Pakistan, hence the differences. Not all Pakistani men are like my hubby, but the nice ones are fewer. Again, I dont blame him entirely because he is only a product of his society. What people have perceived as the right way to for a man to be is what one will strive to become. And if you meet a nice Pakistani guy, dont be scared, its ok to get to know him!! Two of my best friends are Pakistani men and I wouldn't trade them for the world !!

Me? I consider myself British first and foremost because that is my home and that is where I was raised. Funnily, even though I consider myself British, Caucasian Brits don't. I never tire of hearing "But where are you really from?" when I tell them I am British.

"Err...I was lying about being a Brit, you see I come from the Planet Mars. When my spaceship crashed in London, I decided to make it my home and now I consider myself REALLY British."

or.."Oh darn, you got me..you can obviously spot a Fake. I am actually from the African Zulu tribe. I just got my skin lightened and my hair straightened to try and fit into society. But I cant fool you, can I??"

Thats one thing I dont understand about America. You can be African-American, Native-American, or hispanic-American etc. Fine, I understand that you are probably proud of your heritage and maybe that makes sense. But arent you labelling yourself then into a category? Arent all Americans all originally from somewhere else, apart from the indigenous Native Americans? Even they have been found to have DNA connecting them to China and Japan!

I am happy to have South Asian heritage and would certainly want my children to learn about that side of them, but at the end of the day,if I really felt Pakistani enough, I would probably want to live there. I DONT! I lived there for three years just before returning to America and that was enough for me. I am too culturally different to assimilate. If I had white skin (or at least non-Pakistani looking), I would have been more welcomed as a foreigner in their land. Instead I got comments like "you're just a white woman trapped in a Pakistani body".

How funny I thought. As a kid, I was taunted,beaten up, spat on, called "Paki" and other expletives just for not being white and even yearning to live in a place where I could fit in, like around my own kind.

And now, there in Pakistan, I wasn't considered "Paki" enough!

WHAT A STRANGE WORLD WE LIVE IN! viva la Madness!!

THE END.

05 June 2008

Thank you so much to everyone for their wonderful and encouraging words. I just want to say that my marriage is fine and I am not concerned about it (At the moment!!)

Life really is what you make it. Through the process of self discovery, I have learnt that I probably contributed to some of my own misery over the years.

We are molded into what we are by our upbringing which is actuated by a pot pourri of parents, siblings, peers and environmental influences. Culture and society also play a strong role in how we develop into what we are.

Growing up in the heart of London as a 'non-white' makes you very savvy at a young age. I felt that I had to work twice as hard to be accepted into society so I would study hard and learn harder. I learnt to do everything twice as well as my peers and became very independent minded. Our mother encouraged us all to do everything. While I fixed cars, my brother was an inspiring fashion designer who would embroider designs onto his own clothes.I became a member of Mensa at the age of 16, (but all that proved was my ability to be very logical and retentive).

From childhood, I have had a lot of organizational ability, meshed with leadership and logical proficiency. So my personality is strong, with a definitive need for order and sense in my environment. There was no assigned gender roles in my home, with both sexes doing everything equally.

Then there is my husband, the only son and oldest of four siblings in a country where the male dominates in all aspects. The male species is venerated by society as almost a form of deity to be worshipped by the perceived weaker species, also known as woman. This may sound too generalized but in my opinion and experience, this is a fair analogy of the majority of males I have met from traditionally raised homes.

I remember when I first got married, the bulb had fused in a tall lamp. I asked him to change the light bulb and he mumbled "I cant". "Come on!I insisted "I am pregnant and I dont want to be climbing sofas to reach the lamp head!" He dropped his head to avert my eyes, mumbled again and turned his back to me. I was annoyed at his sheer laziness and apathetic behavior. I wasn't going to let him get off that lightly so I confronted him about his non-committal to replacing a simple light bulb.
"You don't understand! I can't change a light bulb"
"Why bloody not??"
"Because I have never changed one in my life"

"What??" How can anyone have NEVER changed a light bulb?
"I just never did. I never needed to. Someone else always did it"

How many traditional men does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find someone else to do it.

What was my fault? I was stubborn in wanting things done my way because it was certainly more logical and sensible than his. But the correct way isn't really always the right way. I have realized that I cannot change him but I can change myself so that is what I am trying to do.

I choose my battles much more wisely now instead of thinking that I must stand up for logic all the time. I guess patience is a virtue that is rewarded by peace and I am beginning to attain that. I am refocusing and reprioritizing my life to the things that are the most important in my life. Him not being able to change a light bulb is not critical to my well being so I let it fly now. Prioritizing my life has significantly reduced the stress as I concentrate more on being happy, not right.

Focusing on my own life and well being has also made a world of difference. I am trying to take care of myself inside and out through beauty products, diet and exercise. The most important focus I have had for the past several years is my mental well being. My emotional state was compromising my ability to mother my children effectively. So I really focused hard on becoming emotionally fit as well as physically fit.

Over the years, my western progressive upbringing has clashed constantly with his Eastern narrow minded philosophies. But time truly is the biggest healer and as time goes on, I have learnt to communicate more clearly and in a manner that will register with him. I think with time my husband has also changed a lot and has begun to mellow.

Motivation and self actualization really does work, you just have to want it and being willing to strive for it.

04 June 2008

Imluuvd, I FEEL PRETTY OH SO PRETTY...I AM PRETTY AND ITS A PITY LAH LA..LALA LAAH...(you'll never get it out of your head now)..lol! btw..guys, thanks so much for all your generous compliments.

I don't feel ugly..i just feel pretty..pretty fat! Actually, its really annoying to feel that your upper body doesn't match your lower body. It looks like one of those children's books where the book is split into two and you flip through the upper pictures and the bottom pictures to find the right pair. I feel like my upper body is part of one picture and the lower body was part of another picture but the two got mismatched together.

I developed the complex about not having my pics taken because 1) constantly being told what to wear and how to wear clothes by people around me and 2)trying to not be frivolous with money 3)not having good memories.

You lose your sense of identity and going shopping becomes a nightmare as you are always concerned with what those people will think of a particular dress or outfit. you never know what to buy and end up buying 'safe' but bland choices.My body shape presents the additional problem of a lot of clothes not fitting me. In dresses, if the chest area fits, the lower part is usually too tight. If it fits on the hip, the chest area looks too baggy.

I was always trying to save our money because my husband is the super spender. He doesnt buy loads of stuff but whatever he buys has to be expensive. That meant him buying 200 dollar pants from Armani exchange while I bought 20 dollar jeans from Walmart.

Finally, my marriage has had its ups and downs, mostly downs so the pics arent really associated with happy memories, just pics that for some reason have us both in the picture. They dont act as motivators because of the negative connotations they carry.

But I have overcome a lot of my hurdles now and am finally becoming my own person. The most important thing I have learnt over the years is people can only treat me the way they do if I allow them to. I have learnt to speak my mind and start doing things for myself. I have learnt that it is OK to splurge on myself because I am worth it.I am also learning how to get peace into my life and that has been the most powerful change for me. (getting peace is in challenge 4 in case you are wondering how to!)

03 June 2008

I finally made a board and probably will put my entire journal out of whack by placing it here..but what the heck..so little in life is free now..so lets take advantage of this free storage space!

I didnt realize how much I had internally tried to cover up my largeness. I had so few pics of me and none of the ones I found made me feel motivated or inspired..just embarassed. I have wasted so much time trying to buy loose clothes or cheap clothes that just have bad cuts. I also realize that I had no dress sense because of buying cheap but mismatched clothing. New resolution is to try and build a new wardrobe where firstly, everything makes me look good, not just ok. Secondly, to buy clothes that will coordinate with the rest of my wardrobe not something that I can only wear with one pair of jeans. Thirdly, to make sure the cut is fitted, though not tight because baggy clothes just make a large person look larger. I am glad I did this and oddly, this was not the outcome I expected from myself when I set up the project!

01 June 2008

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