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Now that I'm back from vacation I am slowly getting back on track. I weighed in this morning at 199.8. When you consider not tracking what I ate while I was on vacation I think this small bump is actually a victory. Vacation was glorious. We visited my mom for a few days and then headed up towards Chicago to visit friends. Just being able to forget all the stress and drama at home was a blessing. I really didn't want to come home. If I could have stayed I think I would have. Unfortunately I'm a grown up and I have these responsibility things and tiny humans that rely on me and they missed home.
On the diet front.. I'm getting back into healthy eating and will probably join the gym at the new job as soon as I settle into things. I have my last yoga class in the session tonight and I can switch to taking classes at the new gym for a change of pace. Plus I'm working 60 hours a week and that doesn't leave a whole lot of time to be bored and mindlessly eat.
On the home front.. Can someone lend me $300,000? I found a house that is absolutely heaven but I can't afford it. I'm looking into places to move into as my marriage is currently exploding. I know I've never really written a lot about my marriage or our issues. Here and there I would but I've always considered a marriage to be a sacred private thing. Now that I'm done and I have to defend my reasoning to people since I'm the one that's saying I'm done... if I wasn't mature I would just fill several pages with reasons, copy them, laminate them... and hand them out.
Item #1... My husband refused to touch me or have sex with me for 2 years. I blamed myself at first and developed serious body issues but then I realized that some men actually find me attractive and my husband just didn't love me anymore. Now I just hope those muscles haven't atrophied and in a weird paranoid web search I learned lack of sex can create pee squirts. Thanks sexless marriage.
My husband doesn't want the divorce. He thinks after years and years of me saying I'm unhappy and pleading to him care and trying to make things work but nothing ever changed that I should keep trying because well.. now he wants to try. Now that I'm resentful, angry, and under the assumption that anyone who loved me wouldn't have treated me that way. They would have cared about me. They would have remembered my birthday, bought me an xmas gift, found the dish washer, picked up dinner for the kids when I was sick, responded to my text messages, held my hand, took me out to dinner once in a blue moon, gone on date nights, thought of me occasionally instead of only thinking of themselves.. I don't know who this person is but they sound like a Greek god. He says I need to communicate (because all those times that I would be in hysterical tears standing in front of him while he told me I was wrong didn't count), I need to try more (because all those things that I did in an effort to make him happier, make things easier for him, relationship books I read and tried, attempts to get him to see I was upset, all those suggestions I made like date night where he spent the ONE date night on his phone the entire time.. well those also didn't count apparently), and all those times that I told him I'm feeling ____ because of this.. or I'm unhappy and I can't live like this or I hate my fuckin life.. All those comments also don't count. So you know what? I gave up. I stopped trying. Then I decided I had enough and I could find happiness either on my own or with someone who loved and appreciated me. Which to be honest.. I haven't felt from my husband in years. Now I'm just a bitter, angry, resentful short chick who has to resist the urge to flip people off. Because flipping people off feels really freakin good.
Maybe I should take my anger and do something productive.. like lift weights or take a spin class. Yoga is great.. but.. well.. I'm feeling a little bit violent at the suggestion that I'm the one that needs to try now that he finally gives a flying duck. Ok end of vent.. thank you for reading. Who am I kidding? I will vent more later.
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 Comments
So many of us have been through similar journeys. It's emotional abuse - unintentionally or otherwise. You're a role model for your children. They look to you to learn how to be responsible loving adults (of course when they grow up they'll tell you you did everything wrong)! My advice for what it's worth is to close your eyes and envisage where you'll be in two years time. It kept me going through the hard times. No one deserves to be in a miserable relationship. Sending strength and support.
28 Jul 17 by member: mariewil
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Don't stop venting or talking about your situation, everyone here has a similar or identical problem that they have overcome or working on. A good vent really helps as it's not good to bottle it in. Jump up and down, punch a pillow, scream, swear, do what you have to do to make you feel better about your self and work to get rid of that ungrateful, selfish, worthless piece of shit out of your life so that you can get on with yours. Be strong and remember people are here for you and care. Well done
28 Jul 17 by member: thomas rutherford
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Hugs to you. You owe no one an explanation. Bit of a suggestion: Running...not that treadmill crap where you stare at a wall or the TV but outside on a trail or the pavement is the best place to pound out frustrations and find serenity.
28 Jul 17 by member: 2ManyCurves
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Running or walking is fantastic therapy.
28 Jul 17 by member: ApacheTiger37
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you are an amazing women and the fact that you know you went above and beyond means a lot..its easy for guys to let us down and not care but if things dont change soon it never will he has to change on his behalf as well..but the fact that your 199lbs is amazing i would love to be there just keep pushing forward and remember you have a reason to push forward and you will do just that..
28 Jul 17 by member: duran1988
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Check out Groupon. Low cost and lots of choices. I did a Groupon for 6 weeks of boot camp. Multiple ways to let out anger - from weights, to those crazy heavy ropes, to squats and lunges, and a bunch more. I was also in a relationship like yours, and my ex wanted to try harder once I said I was done too. Luckily though, we maintained our friendship for the sake of our son, and are better now than we were married. I wish you luck and amicable divorce proceedings.
29 Jul 17 by member: Bethlauren8
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Doing Kickboxing was the only reason my ex wasn't hurt or murdered during out divorce. The only one, even named my bag in my classes after him. When the class was done he was "dead" and I felt awesome!!! You can do this, stay strong!!
01 Aug 17 by member: Rubie-sue
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It is good to vent, verbally and physically. I hope all goes as best as can be expected in the divorce proceedings, it is never easy but one day you will heal and be better. It still hurts me (my divorce) however, I am content where I am now in my life and realize that (divorce & other unpleasant happenings) was probably something I had to go through to get where I am now. Please take care of you and your children and keep coming here for support.
01 Aug 17 by member: JMA312
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Do whatever is necessary to keep your sanity. Talk to others and get their support. I have noted through your posts that you have a great sense of humor, don't loose that!
01 Aug 17 by member: Sally Forest
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I feel for you lady. I married and divorced in just over a year and a half. Everyone looks at me with blank stares. I don't share my reasoning with a lot of people because I just don't feel it is anyone's business. But mostly, I deserved to be happy too. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I should've stayed longer, tried harder, etc., but the few people that know the whole story assure me differently. You have to be happy first.
02 Aug 17 by member: starbird
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