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So while in Louisville about 6 weeks ago, I received a text from work that one of my employees was injured. Needless to say- she still isn't doing well and I am just now starting to get control of things at work. Went from tied with my lowest weight just prior to the trip to near nonexistent gym attendance, incredibly poor sleep, 60+ hour work weeks and shoveling in the food. As things have lessened and I am back to about 45 hours a week- I am struggling with how I ever was so committed to the gym and also fighting (and not winning) the urge to eat too many calories. How did I do so well before and wtf is wrong with me? Now I am eating because I am celebrating getting things back to normal. I just love to eat. And eating because of stress or especially after a stressful situation ends- are my favorite times. 🤢 Case and point (I had an abnormal psych instructor who used that phrase all the time- "case and point") I had a mammogram last year and of course they saw "something". 3rd year in a row they have seen "something" so I have to go back for a more in depth look at the big hospital where you cannot leave until your results are read. My mom had breast ca and so I sit there alone- waiting and my personality catastrophizes the situation whereby by the time I get the results- I have already been dead and buried and David is managing the kids alone and I am telling him what's in my 401K. I ate normally all day and then on the way home after the all clear- I think I consumed about 4000 calories. That is the story of my life. It is like a huge stress relief and then I want to eat. and I am so grossed out when fat people talk about their love of food and I think secretly it's because I am them. I had an obese friend who would use the phrase "I'm so starved" when she was hungry and it was disgusting because clearly she wasn't. And so I am at a crossroads. I can't picture ever being 190 or more again and god forbid over 200- I think I would die- and yet I know that if I continue to have way too much CI vs CO, that's what will happen. So here's to learning how to stop celebrating with food. Plan today- clean this filthy fucking house that has been neglected with the hubby and I working 12 hour shifts and barely seeing each other while raising two kids who love tik-tok videos and gaming and all things except helping around the house, hit the gym which is leaving me sore for days because I am out of practice- and hit my protein goals. And maybe find time to shop a bit. So May 1st. Here we go. 🏋🏻♂️🤸🏻♀️💪🏻💕
Diet Calendar Entries for 01 May 2021:
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1920 kcal
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Fat: 68.49g | Prot: 139.35g | Carb: 178.69g.
Breakfast: American Heritage Cheddar Shredded Cheese, ConAgra Foods Egg Beaters, Butter (Salted), Sunbeam King Thin Enriched Bread, Coffee, Equate High Performance Protein Shake - Chocolate. Dinner: Butter (Salted), Cooked Broccoli (Fat Not Added in Cooking), Crystal Farms Jalapeno & Habanero Jack Cheese, Labriola Soft Pretzel Bites, Grandcestors Colorado Hash. Snacks/Other: Franz Frosted Animal Cookies, Dannon Light & Fit Greek Yogurt - Blueberry, Goetze's Original Caramel Creams, Roma Tomatoes, Frigo Light Mozzarella Cheese Stick, Great Value Saltine Crackers. more...
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2351 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 30 minutes, Weight Training (moderate) - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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1 to 20 of 64
 Comments
Woah, DP, that is a lot. Don't know what to say. Yay for the relief and finding time.
01 May 21 by member: LaughingChevre
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So many similar feelings in this post, makes me want to cry...or scream and hit something...plus I have to add 20+ years more than you that I've been doing this. Really the only thing we CAN do is regroup, acknowledge, plan, and execute it. At this point I just strive for fewer, shorter, and farther between episodes. I wish for you a wonderful weekend to take care of yourself, recharge, and move forward
01 May 21 by member: Rckc
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The fact that you shared all of that tells me you’re going to be fine and are on track. You’re strong and an inspiration. One hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. You’re already ahead of me in May - I’m still on my back side 😂. Great diary entry!
01 May 21 by member: GardenOfHeeden
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I feel you. Man, I can relate to those fat people though. I get all giggly about food, lol! Then right after I eat I tend to go on a long guilt trip. I have a love hate relationship with food.
01 May 21 by member: morganstuart
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I can relate! {{{HUGS}}} You got this❣️
01 May 21 by member: Em GI
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Shopping is fantastic therapy and you deserve it! You’re definitely a person that is going to be “thin for life.” You have been making the changes in your living and getting to the bottom of the problem. You have demystified the issues from your past and you have put in the work. I’m so proud of you and I’m excited about your life free from the restrictions of food addiction. Forgive yourself for the ways you dealt with stress. Forgive yourself for the extra weight that you carried, forgive yourself for the extra skin. What you have done is far more meaningful than getting hung up on those things. You have healed yourself. Trauma from your past didn’t hold you down, and it won’t ever again. I’m proud of you, girl. And, you look like a tasty little snack 😋 Thank you for sharing
01 May 21 by member: KayBuckaroo
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Well! You open comments and I’m stuck on what to say. And you always say you don’t want people to say anything. 🤓 You’re a tough cookie to deal with girl. To reply or not reply, that is the question. And I’ve said enough to someone who hates us saying anything. 😑
01 May 21 by member: wifey9707
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Love you, girl! Great post. You'll get your drive back! Thank you for all your hard work at work and at home. I'm glad it's getting better for you! Love the cartwheel emoji you post lol
01 May 21 by member: -Diablo
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It’s some thing I experience also getting closer to that goal weight, the desire to catastrophize myself and sabotage my progress always increases as the numbers get lower. Don’t let the old nasty habits stop your progress. You can fight this. And you will win.
01 May 21 by member: KayBuckaroo
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DP- I hope your employee returns to good health soon so things will settle down for you at work. The relief of an all clear sign on your health is a blessing. The challenge you face with food seems to be a never ending cycle in your life. You are at a crossroads where you can continue this vicious cycle or take control. The one thing that will get you on a healthy track is to wave the white flag and accept maybe what you have been doing is not the best course for you. We all need to stop with our justifications and excuses for bad eating habits. You deserve better for yourself. That is my snap out of it and kick in the ass.
01 May 21 by member: crazycatchick
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Perfect. Gotta know your truth to make any lasting forward progress. And for the record, you're not the only one with a filthy fucking house! I let mine go, because we were hiring a service. They flaked. Now it's so bad that I am embarrassed for the cleaning service to see how filthy it is. So cleaning up for the housekeepers. Apparently, I have become my grandmother, pausing in the middle of a heart attack to put on clean underwear before getting carted off in the ambulance... Let's go! The range hood awaits....
01 May 21 by member: jimmiepop
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🤣🤣🤣🤣Jimmy! I own a cleaning business and get quite the kick out of those who clean before I arrive. Great assistants you all are! And the underwear comment made me laugh so hard, I was brought up being brainwashed with the exact same mentality!!!!!! Too funny!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂
01 May 21 by member: wifey9707
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DP you’re not alone in that struggle. Keep fighting!! 💪👊
01 May 21 by member: Mike531
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There is the boss babe we all know and love! Glad things are getting better at work! Nothing more stressful than having to do "extra" at the workplace. We all have your back. 💪💪💪💪🙌
01 May 21 by member: MamaCabral7
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DP your honesty and realness is what makes you so amazing. You’re one of the strongest women here on FS but never forget that the strong ones have their limits too. You call bullshit for bullshit no matter if it’s your own or someone else. You have your hits and misses just like the rest of us. Regroup, refocus and let’s get back to kicking ass. You motivate me something fierce with a full time job (1.5 for the past several weeks), kids and a hubby and you still get it done best as you can. I’m not going to provide suggestions or advise. You got this, I know you do ❤️
01 May 21 by member: Lowkeylife
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Your post just proved to me that some of my past moments have ended up in your head. I so love and admire your honesty. One of the things I learned (later than I should have) was that I am not good at juggling, especially when the kids were young. Of course, life consists of managing different things at different times, but adding to my then already heavy load was ridiculous and unwise. I am not saying that's what you are doing. What I am saying is that sometimes something has to be put aside in order to take care of what needs your immediate attention. Some balls need to be dropped in order to keep others in the air. You know what to do and by you knowing what you don't want to take place, you've already succeeded. Set your path and work on walking it. You'll get there. ❤
01 May 21 by member: _bec_ca
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Those stupid mammograms! They keep finding "something" with me every year too and then all the talk of dense tissue that makes it hard to see and I wind up having 5 mammograms and two ultrasounds. So much fun isn't it. You have to give yourself a little grace especially for getting back to the gym. It's hard on anyone who has had to step away. You've got this and you'll be back on track in no time. Hugs.
01 May 21 by member: C0bby
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What Becca said. Those are wise words. The more we have to do, the harder it is to juggle everything. The girls got older and like to do things on their own which gave us more time to focus on ourselves. Vacations and work dilemmas make it tough and can cause a temporary derailment, but we can always refocus eventually.
01 May 21 by member: -Diablo
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@Diablo, a husband's support and understanding makes a world of difference when the juggling gets crazy. ❤
01 May 21 by member: _bec_ca
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Hang in there, DP. I'm telling you that as much as myself. I've been struggling lately too, thinking this maintenance crap is just too hard and I'm not having fun because of it. I'm also trying to tell myself that because I lost all that weight, there's so many more fun things I can do now that I couldn't before. I haven't broken down yet, but I feel like I'm about this far. 🤏
01 May 21 by member: lonniehuffman
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