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Trying to catch up on sleep I’ve missed due to overtime, and I decided to be more honest about that salad.... I added in the additional calories for tofu and missing mozzarella, and it boosted up to 700! 😳 well, my point is, I feel like it was a 700 calorie lunch vs a 5. It’s big and heavy in my tummy, 3 hours later! I’m completely fascinated by satiety, macros, calorie amounts of meals.... and yes it’s probably stemming from the old anorexic tendencies back when I starved myself and felt empty for days, weeks, months... being comfortable at this level of fullness has taken me over a decade, it was either feast or famine! I either oscillated from stomach-sticking-to-itself-starving to 8000calorie-binge-4restaurants-and-3gasstations-later agony. I’m not entirely sure how someone is naturally full and eats just enough when hungry, but I’m told people don’t all obsess over it like me. 🤷🏻♀️ I have binge eating since I was 8 years old, starved myself since I was 13, binge and purged daily for 10+ years and finally decided to get well at 28. I’m 34 years old now, 35 next month, and I’m going to be completely honest and tell you Im still figuring out how to eat. For the first 2 years of recovery, I quit purging and quit starving. The binges definitely would happen- BAM! All the sudden. But I wasn’t driving to fast food joints or gas stations anymore, for drive thru and little Debbie’s. Hard to believe that used to be how I spent my money, and my time 😢 I got comfortable eating every day and then the weight started coming on. I gained well over 100 pounds, and I’ve s l o w l y taken it off with modifications to what I eat, how much, and with exercise. I couldn’t STAND the sight of myself at the gym, or even just the anxiety I’d have exercising at home. I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude and relief now because I NEVER would have imagined my journey would bring me here. I NEVER thought I’d ever be 159 pounds without “ED” (#fuckyoued) I NEVER thought I’d be eating this much every day and still losing weight, I and I’m enjoying this wonderful point so much. It was TERRIFYING to transition from eating whatever (just how my therapist had me doing it) which was meatballs, pizza, pasta, egg bake, burgers, brats, large sandwiches, bowls of cereal, toast.... to being comfortable enough with my own self to say, well, now you’re overweight so let’s lose weight healthily. I refused to eat salad or fruit or veggies for YEARS because it reminded me of the old restricting mindset... And so, to understand that I have to add chicken and eggs and seeds and nuts to my salads in order to be full and healthy... and to be able to balance my calories in a day to not get upwards of 8,9, 10,000 has been the accomplishment of a lifetime.
For the record, my husband met me when I was still struggling with the binge purge starve cycle, and I cannot believe he’s stuck around for this long. I gained all that weight and we laughed and kissed over ice cream, because he thought I was a goddess. And when I saw photos of myself at 220 and I couldn’t believe I had let myself go, he told me that wasn’t how I look in real life. But I knew better. I gave up smoking, drinking alcohol. Most all animal saturated fat, refined sugar, processed foods, all processed carbohydrates. I started walking. I walked for hours, like 2 or 3. I then started running and walking. Now I run for a few miles to have a break from my day! I have loose skin, stretch marks, and emotional scars for a lifetime. But, my husband has to pick his jaw up off the floor when I take off my clothes, and for the first time since I was a young lady I am wearing 2 pieces in public. I’d still like to see 19 pounds come off, and they WILL. Slowly, carefully. And with love 💕
My highest was 345of something, and that was the first time I tried to recover back when I was 20, and pregnant. I relapsed and tumbled down the rabbit hole somewhere for another decade, and so now it’s unreal that I’ve got such a great routine going for months now. I thought I was recovered before, but I realized that I haven’t until now. I finally am eating with RESPECT to my body, and exercising because it’s GOOD for me.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’m not sure what else to say, but I’ve been feeling very introspective since getting below 160.
Diet Calendar Entry for 25 July 2018:
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1254 kcal
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Fat: 50.61g | Prot: 81.89g | Carb: 147.41g.
Lunch: Kraft Natural Shredded 2% Milk Reduced Fat Mozzarella Cheese, Firm Silken Tofu , Bing Cherries, Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables (Including Tomatoes and/or Carrots), Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables, Watermelon , Mozzarella Cheese, Kraft Natural Shredded 2% Milk Reduced Fat Mozzarella Cheese, Firm Silken Tofu , Grilled Chicken (Skin Not Eaten). Dinner: Great Value Half & Half, Skittles Original (Fun Size). Snacks/Other: Halo Top Creamery Red Velvet Ice Cream. more...
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