kickingcarbs's Journal, 24 June 2019

I'm so happy that my journey is bringing me back to who I want to be and not who I had to be. At that size, everything I loved I could no longer do and I didnt have the drive to do. Let's be real here. For some people gaining that amount of weight is a form of selfsabatouge. I wont lie, I was so depressed but I knew I didnt want to take my life because it would be devastating to my family. BUT I figured that my health was poor anyway so why not enjoy all the foods I love every single day and if I die from health issues then I die from health issues. At the time I had my family trying to literally feed me till I was happy. Truth be told I hated everyone because it hurt to much at admit I hated myself more. People don't talk about weight gain as a form of trauma survival. But I was sexually abused from 12 to 19. And being that young I came up with a survival plan. No one will WANT me if I'm fat. Guess what it worked. But the problem was after the abuse stopped I had more time to focus on hating myself and how large I was. I had wished they would have just killed me. Since they didnt I tried eating myself to that point. With meds, support groups and counciling I got to the point where I felt SAFE enough to loose the weight. No one could talk me in to it. I had to know that when I lost it I wouldn't be hurt again. Sad part is no one can promise you that. I had to be willing to take the chance to live my life again and if I was put in that situation again I had to find my own empowerment to live. At almost 173 lbs down and only 84 lbs left till my long term goal I can officially say that I have power over my life NOT my PTSD. To all my survivors out there, if I can come back from the this so can you. Reach out, go to groups, hear other peoples stories and know you are not alone and most importantly you are worthy of self love. Until I truly felt that and not just said it I never felt any peace. I wish all of you self love and self empowerment.
264.3 lb Lost so far: 172.7 lb.    Still to go: 14.3 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
steady weight

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Comments 
Excellent! 
24 Jun 19 by member: HCB
Thank you for those powerful and inspiring words. To have been through all that and be well on your way to the other side shows what an amazing warrior you are. I hope to be at peace with past trauma and abuses as you are one day. Working through it 😓. Wishing you continued success on your journey. 💖 
24 Jun 19 by member: znastar1
I have said those exact words.."No one will hurt me/want me if I'm fat" !It was a wow moment when I read them coming from someone else.  
24 Jun 19 by member: victoriawalker1
You've been through a lot, and you should be proud of what you have accomplished! I'm currently helping a family member who went through something similar. May you continue to heal, live and love life! 
24 Jun 19 by member: SoHangry
Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman and your words will likely help someone else that is suffering now. 
24 Jun 19 by member: shiny50
Well said ❤️ 
24 Jun 19 by member: dlewis1234
I'm so proud of you for regaining power. You truly are a survivor and I'm so glad you got the help you need and thank goodness for your inner strength to overcome, learn and grow from your history.  
24 Jun 19 by member: kissangelgirl
Very sad story and a self defense I've used but I'm sure you have determined by now that weight has nothing to do with the predator and victim. Be strong. When you are faced with this again remember who you are and send that person limping away. 
24 Jun 19 by member: FullaBella
Great post. Thanks for sharing - we so often have no idea the challenges people in our lives are facing. 
24 Jun 19 by member: gz9gjg
Thank you for sharing... For being strong enough to help others, because being vulnerable enough to share will/is helping others. You are inspiring! 
24 Jun 19 by member: melissatwa
You are amazing! 
24 Jun 19 by member: shirfleur 1
Sending you love and continued strength.  
24 Jun 19 by member: babayjo
Wow!! So powerful and so inspiring! You are one strong brave girl to share this in the hope of helping others! Hugs!! 💕 
24 Jun 19 by member: mrsroboto
You are a young woman I admire for your strength and determination. You have proven that obstacles are meant to be overcome. Thank you for being in my life. ❤️  
24 Jun 19 by member: Erquiaga
What you experienced— feeling like if you were fat you wouldn’t be attractive to anyone who could hurt you, is literally the norm and is completely well known and understood to people who have even taken psych 101. It’s the person who has been traumatized that thinks they are alone. Their inner child has not taken psych 101. You are doing so well, just keep it up. We all admire your perseverance and commitment. 
24 Jun 19 by member: Kenna Morton
Ur story is my story, or at least it’s all too familiar. However, I live in a rural community n the mere idea of this concept seems foreign to everyone here. Yet I’m 100 pounds overweight, single, refuse to date, n just a picture on a screen at a weight loss class gave me a panic attack. It’s a good thing I don’t have P.T.S.D. !!! Lol. Congrats to u n best wishes to ya in the future! 
24 Jun 19 by member: mvpofpain
Yes, keep up the good work. Sometimes life is tough and I give you a lot of credit for working so hard. 
25 Jun 19 by member: Fishingwidow
Such an inspiring story. Thank you for being brave enough to change your life and live free again. You are literally a hero on Earth making our world a better place. You’re breaking the cycle of pain in your own life and are touching the lives around you. Letting your light shine, lighting up the world! Thanks again for your bravery. 😍🌟 
25 Jun 19 by member: Jewellynn
Wow! What a strong young woman you are--beautiful inside and out! Thanks for telling your story away from pain and suffering. You have helped so many. 
25 Jun 19 by member: DBakerrian

     
 

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