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Day 81
*Sigh* I f*£$*e'ed up ROYALLY yesterday and today. *tripple sigh*
It all started with a cookie baking assignmned that my daugher had for school. And there I was, doing exceptionally well ignoring the ingredients as we were baking. And even when the soft, fluffy, luscious dough was settling deliciously in the oven, and the nurturing voluptious smell of melted chocolate chip was wafting through the air, I was determined to behave. And it was good. And then I took 'em out of the oven, and they had spilled over the side of the baking tray, and I kind of wiped the hot cookie dough away with my finger. And it kind of sort of hurt. So I kind of sort of put it in my mouth and sucked.
And this is where the porno description ends, and the nightmare begins. Because a minute later, I was scooping up hot, not yet hardened chocolate chip cookies, with a fork and eating it. It just felt so damn good!! And while I was doing this, my thoughts were "Hey YOU!! WTF are you doing??! You KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!" But did I listen?? Nu UHH!! *shakes head*
*quadriple sigh*
So I had about 5 chocolate chip cookies. And then I was seriously contemplating my situation and my sins, and I decided that I'd been following this diet so exceptionally religiously, that I was bound to do something wrong sooner or later. And then I felt a little better. But then I thought some more. And I felt so damn tired of trying. And I was really in a space where I needed to forget about counting every single little morsel of anything I put into my mouth. So I decided to take 24 hours off. And I did.
And you know, I'm not sorry I did it. I didn't have dinner last night, because I was still full up on the cookies. I had some popcorn late last night, because I was really craving it. This morning I had a smoothie, and for lunch I had a three cheeses sandwich with REAL bread.
And now that it's dinner time, I feel ready to go back to my diet. Maybe I needed this. Maybe I just needed it for some reason. It really wasn't about the actual food. It was about the taste, and the texture of the stuff I miss. It was about the fact that I just wanted to have it without limiting myself every single minute of the day.
So there it is. On a negative note, I was exceptionally tired this morning. And I haven't felt like that since before I started the diet. And that showed me that the diet is working exceptionally well where that is concerned.
I think another reason I messed up yesterday, is because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I used to have serious sleeping problems, but it got better when I started the diet. This past week it's been terrible, and I've been getting less than 4 hours a night and I've been exhausted. Perhaps that contributed.
The aspect of this that bothers me most, is not that I messed up. It's the mindset around WHY I did it. It's the philosophy. I don't want to have to feel like the only way I can feel better is by eating something that's yummy. I don't want to feel that I should reward myself with good tasting food. That's how I got to be overweight for starters. And when I tasted that cookie, my entire subconscious was screaming at me - "You DESERVE it!! HAVE IT. "
That makes me sad. Because I do "deserve" it. But the "it" is not food that may taste good right now, but is bad for me in the long run. What I deserve is to feel good about my body, and my mind, and my spirit.
So here we go again. I know this is going to have a huge impact on my weigh in on Sunday. But it happened. And now I need to move on.
Low carb peace and much Love to everyone.
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