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Well here I am. This is me. The fat girl. Once again joining a diet site so that I can lose weight. Thanks to Jana for recommending this to me. I won't be tracking my calories so don't look for that. I'm not allowed to. Why? I'm bulimic. That's right, you can be bulimic at 246lbs. I'm in therapy at an Eating Disorder Institute and it's helping. Sort of. I have a "team" that works with me. A dietician - Mari, a psychiatrist - Olseth, a psychologist - Dawn. I see Dawn more than anyone. But that's just because she's my therapist. I tend to see her once a week. Olseth just chats with me and we tweak my meds if need be. Mari is great when it comes to making goals for eating and my diabetes.
So what are my goals? I want to lose weight. Period. I'm tired of being sick and tired and fat.
Oh the sick thing I should explain. I have something called Brittle Asthma. Meaning I'm fine one minute and the next I'm being rushed to the hospital because I can't breathe. It's not as bad as it once was, but I didn't have it until I was 25. Never had asthma as a kid or anything. Just onset as an adult. So about two to three times a year I'm hospitalized for about a week or so because of my asthma. No, I don't smoke. Anymore. I used to smoke, but quit for seven years. Then started up again for about a year and have quit again. Stupid, I know. It was my "Rebel Betty" coming out to play. She does that now and again. (I call her Rebel Betty because she's the one who goes, "Oh who cares...eff it all!" and over eats, doesn't work out, smokes, drinks, parties, skips work...she's the not so good one.) But for now Rebel Betty has been put in her place and Nik (me) is out to play.
My other alter-ego has been named Delores Umbridge. Now for Harry Potter fans you will recognize this. Delores is a mean, mean character in the Harry Potter series. She makes people feel less than. I have that alter-ego in my life. I don't make other people feel that way though...I make ME feel that way. I tend to do a lot of negative self talk. "You suck." "You're ugly." "You're fat." "No one likes you." "everyone hates you." "You're stupid." "Everyone is mad at you." "Everyone wants you to just go away." "No one will ever want you." etc etc etc. So I call her Delores Umbridge. And I have a friend (my best friend Sarah) who will say, "Hey Delores, it's time for you to go...I want my best friend Nikki back now. Thanks." when I'm being that way. It's something new we've started so hopefully it will work with my negative self talk.
Okay...goals. Lose weight. Eat healthy. Eat normally (as in 3 meals and 2 snacks a day). Exercise (I walk on the treadmill...sporadically right now...I'd like to get more consistent with that.) Be happy with myself the way I am at that moment (now I know this is one I will struggle with, as we all struggle with this. But it's important to me so I've made it a goal.)
So this is me...I'm just your average fat girl with more issues than National Geographic looking to come out from under the pile and live life the way it's meant to be lived.
Diet Calendar Entry for 09 June 2011:
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1986 kcal
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Fat: 49.77g | Prot: 127.32g | Carb: 255.98g.
Breakfast: Nonfat White Chocolate Mocha (Grande), Skim Milk, Honey Nut Cheerios. Lunch: Red Apple, Pasta Sides - Chicken Broccoli. Dinner: 4% California Style Cottage Cheese, crystal Farms reduced fat marble jack, Chi Chi's Salsa Mild, Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: nutella, sandwich thin, Werther's Original, Coke Zero. more...
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