kingkeld's Journal, 11 January 2012

Yesterday was a day of challenges.

The other day I bought a couple of "hunger killer" nutrition bars, to have in my back pack at work, in case I get the munchies. Well, I got the munchies yesterday, and I had one. They tasted okay, though not better than any other old dull protein bar. They're never gonna be my favorite. However, after I had it I got SO hooked on getting chocolate. It just got worse and worse throughout the day, getting hungrier and hungrier. I had the 2nd one. I was hoping this would fix it. Well, it didn't. It got worse.

Through yesterday, I had breakfast, morning snack (the bar), lunch, another bar, late 2nd lunch (as I was hungry!), then early dinner with wife.

Nothing seemed to satisfy me. I needed chocolate. I was also getting scary close to my RDI, or I would simply have bought chocolate and gotten it out of my head.

After dinner with wife, I walked to the school to teach the kids. There is ONE supermarket on the way, and I ended up in there. I wanted chocolate, but I didn't want to do anything "forbidden", like going over my RDI.

I ended up getting some other protein bars that I already know and like, for future snacks, some sugar free caramels (10 calories each, not bad!) and ONE BAR OF FRICKIN' CHOCOLATE! I don't even know how it ended in my basket! (well, I do, but let's just say I don'! lol...).

So, when I got out, I wanted it, but I felt SO bad. I decided to figure out how much of it I could afford to max out my RDI. I ate that portion, and walked towards the school with the rest of the chocolate bar in my hand.

Then, at some point I came across a house with the trash can outside. I simply stopped and threw the rest of the chocolate away.

I figured that it I kept it I would probably end up eating it that same day, and I didn't want it sitting in my back pack calling my name at work another day. I like to bring snacks to work, but I need them to be okay snacks. Chocolate is not okay for me - I usually can't control it.

I really hated that the nutrition bars did this to me. I will NEVER buy those again. It's a smaller Scandinavian brand called Nutralett, most of you will probably never encounter them. If you do, avoid!

I do think that considering the circumstances I did pretty good handling it. I did NOT go over my RDI. I did cave in to have chocolate, but I am okay with that as long as I didn't go over.

Since I have changed my RDI to 1800, I am trying to get as close to it as possible to fully know how it affects my weight loss. What use is it to set it at 1800 if I end up eating an average of 1500? Then I would still not know how it affects me.

I slept pretty bad last night. I was awake speculating about work. I hate when this happens, though my thoughts have changed. They have changed from worries to more of a reminder-type thought. Remember this, remember that. I usually fix it by sending myself an email at work to remember the things that keep me awake. This makes me able to let go and get some sleep.

Not last night, though. I didn't get more than 3-4 hours sleep. I'm gonna be tired today.

I'm thinking of looking into mindfulness, maybe take a class, read a few books, something.

We preach it and recommend it to people who are out sick because of stress and depression. It's good for them (for us?) and they are very happy to take the classes. I wish I could to take them too, but that's sadly not the case. You have to be sick and away from work to do that.

So I will take a look at things from another angle, see if I can use some tools from there to help myself. I need this cleaned up, to be the best version of myself that I can possible be.

I think this is an important thing for all of us, and sadly I think that it's a thing that not many of us can truly claim to be. The best version of us that can be.

We all have problems. We all have issues. We're all OCD at some level. Most of us like to do things a certain way, most of us worry about something, most of us slack when we should be doing something now and then.

Being the best the we can be will help us in so many ways. Just think of it in a weight loss related situation. Bad me will not care about the weight I have put on, bad me will just keep eating. Good me will be conscious and eat right and work out to get the weight off.

Fortunately, for all of us, Good me is taking over in this department. Even those, who think it's not the case - you are reading this journal because you logged on to FatSecret. Isn't that taking action? Maybe you're just not 100% there yet - but logging on is a huge step compared to doing nothing.

Of course, there is always room for improvement. We can always do better, trim the fat (pun intended), tighten up, work harder. But we need to try to find a place where we are comfortable and happy with EVERYTHING that we do.

I can honestly say that my weight loss has gotten me closer to that goal significantly. But I can also honestly say that I am far from there.

I have job in which I am inexperienced. It's a job with a lot of rules and regulations that change constantly. It's very hard to get settled in such a job, especially since my decisions directly affect people's welfare.

This is a huge weight on my shoulders, but I like that responsibility. I do get to help a lot of people, and I love that. However, there are so many things that need to be done, and it can be hard to keep it all in check. I do my best, though, and try to use all the tools that I am given to do this. I get better every day, and I try to see this as my "be the best you can", instead of expecting me to be perfect from day one.

Just like with my weight loss journey, really. None of us are perfect when it comes to weight loss. We can only do so much. We get tempted, like I did yesterday. We get tired from work and don't work out. We simply get lazy. So many factors come into play, and that's okay. As long as we are working towards getting better at it.

We'll get there, people. We'll all get there. Take a little step at a time, lose one kilo or lb after another. One foot in front of the other. This will get us to the goal, sooner or later.

But how DO we handle stress? How do we find the inner peace to not have those panic attacks or sleepless nights? For me, I will try to find out more about mindfulness. For those who don't know of it, it's simply put about being aware of what is going on around you right now, and focusing on that. When you have things troubling you, find out if they are just thoughts that are bothering you or if you can do something about the issue. If you can not do something about it, then learn to handle the thought and being nothing but "just a thought", and dispose of it. If you can do something about it, well, then do it.

Being able to distinguish this better will make us able to find a little more peace.

Another thing is to not put your own issues on the back burner. It's tempting sometimes. We all have people that we love, and want to protect. They have problems like everyone else. Being the kind and generous people we are, many times we put them first and let them wear us down. We have our own issues, but we just don't get to do anything about them because of these other factors. It would be family members, friends, or work for that matter.

I think it's important that we take these issues, that are ours, and start owning them. These issues are most likely what stresses us, and they very well could be what has made us gain weight, or what keeps us from losing weight.

If we can find out how to fix these issues, then we have a very valuable key to our well-being, including weight. The moment we are happy, we don't need to self medicate with food.

I could go on forever on this topic, I find it really interesting. I think you guys pretty much get what I'm saying though. I better stop before this will be a whole new book! :)

Today, I am thankful that
- I DID eventually fall asleep and slept like a rock for those few hours.
- A good weight loss. I'm getting closer to a new low. Let's do this!
- PROUD that I manage to throw out half a chocolate bar yesterday instead of going over my RDI.
- A nice, quiet evening at home tonight, with a good movie or two.
- Coffee.
- A productive day at work. I will try to catch up on a few extra things though the day.
- The decision to look into mindfulness. Next stop Amazon.com. :)
- You guys!

Wednesdays are happy days! Life is good!

180.1 lb Lost so far: 161.6 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed 100%.

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1856 kcal

Fat: 80.61g | Prot: 70.67g | Carb: 207.04g.   Breakfast: Sliced Ham (Extra Lean), Rye Bread, Egg. Lunch: Rye Bread, Frikadelle. Dinner: Cabbage Soup. Snacks/Other: dark chocolate, Sweet or Dark Chocolate, Cream Puff, sugar free chewing gum, Werther's Original Sugar Free Hard Candy, Kakaois. more...

3216 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 30 minutes, Standing - 3 hours and 30 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 2 hours and 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Sitting - 5 hours and 15 minutes, Desk Work - 4 hours and 30 minutes. more...