I just spent the last 20 minutes sobbing in my husband's arms. This little girl in the picture, Cookie, came and snuggled into my robe and kissed me until I calmed down. She is my little therapy dog. I have a lot of medical issues, but the one that has been with me the longest (and the most horrible to live with) is anxiety/panic disorder and PTSD. My first panic attack happened when I was three years old. I'm now almost 68. It has been a huge struggle all of my life. I've been fortunate enough to have wonderful doctors and a behavioral psychologist that is beyond description who have helped me have it under control for several years now....enough so that I have been able to get off several meds, cut the dosage of others and still have the panic/anxiety under control. Until this last week....
My hubby told me to get on FS and write...get it out of my circular thoughts and down in writing. So, that is what I'm doing. It isn't easy. I want to come here and be positive; be happy about the progress I've made getting off some diabetes meds and making healthy dietary choices. I want to come her to support others who are traveling difficult paths on their individual journies. It's hard for me to admit that I'm in trouble. It's very hard.
Almost a year ago, I was hospitalized with Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV). It's a virus that basically shut down my lungs and required me to be on oxygen in the hospital for a week and continued oxygen at home for a while. On top of that, I developed cellulitis (staph infection of the skin) while in the hospital, but wasn't diagnosed for a few weeks after. I was on 5 rounds of antibiotics, taking 6 weeks to heal. It was painful and nearly septic. I was blessed to survive it. During all of that, I had no panic. I had no anxiety. Now, I'm healthy again, making healthy decisions and changes to my life and I HAVE PANIC!
The last three nights in a row, I haven't been able to sleep until after 3 a.m. Cookie, my sweet little pup, has been hovering and wanting to be held to comfort me. My shoulders keep rising up and up until I feel like my head is going to disappear. My hands are tingling from the muscle tenseness in my shoulders and arms (I have carpal tunnel also). I have worked so hard for so many years to have this under control. I can't even begin to explain everything I've done, had to learn, had to change my life and the way I look at things to be able to do it. Now, I feel like the last ten years have been in vain...having it come back with a bang was NOT expected and is debilitating. I have only been out of the house 6-7 times (that weren't connected with doctor appointments) in months. I can't go back to that life! I CAN'T!
I finally gave in and took a Xanax to get through this morning. I don't like to take it during the day. I take one at night for sleep, but try not to take it more than that. When it first came out, it was viewed as the "wonder drug" for panic disorder. It was claimed to not be addictive. WRONG!!! They put me on a regular dose of it for 5 years. When they decided to take me off of it...whoops..it was addictive after all. What was supposed to be a safe "wonder drug" put me in drug treatment for a month to get off of. It's withdrawal symptoms are equivalent to heroine withdrawal. So much for "safe" prescription drugs! I kicked it and only use it very sparingly. I don't want to have to go back on meds to get this under control.
The worst part is...I don't know why???? Why is it here again??? What am I doing wrong???
I can do this...change my eating habits, get off my insulins, start exercising. Those things are a challenge, but I can do it. I can't do it with this panic and anxiety. It's a struggle to do ANYTHING when your body is constantly in a "fear" mode. Your heart pounds. You struggle with breathing. You jump at the slightest sound. Your muscles ache from the tension in them. Your hands shake. You have pressure in your chest that makes you feel as if you are having a heart attack, but you aren't. So, it plays tricks on your mind and causes everything to increase it's severity...the anxiety and panic grow worse. The only release from it is sleep...but, you can't sleep! It's a vicious cycle until you get to the point where you break down and sob in your husbands arms (with your puppy kissing your tears away) until the panic eases a bit.
Everyone knows what it feels like to be tense. Everyone knows what it feels like to be afraid at times. There are usually things you can point to that explain the tension...stress, nearly having a car accident...whatever. But with this, there isn't a reason for your body to do what it does. There isn't an outward cause that you can point to and say "why did you jump out from behind the door and scare me to death!!??". You body says "FEAR" and there is no reason.
Someone once asked me what it feels like to have a panic attack. The only way I could explain it was to ask them to image themselves in the most peaceful, beautiful place they know..sitting with their eyes closed soaking in the feeling. Then to open their eyes to see a gun two inches from their face pointing at them. Imagine what your body would do...heart race, feel faint, have trouble breathing. THAT is a panic attack only without the cause.
I can do all of this. I can change my life style. I can get off the insulin. I can lose weight. I can exercise. I CAN! I will find my way through this. I will get this under control again...but, today...I don't feel like I know how. It will pass, right?
