notelaine's Journal, 03 November 2016

Long ramble ahead. Mostly for my own benefit, so that I can look back on this and remember my reasoning.

Even though my calorie total was too high yesterday, I had a big personal victory. I was able to stop a binge that had already started. Which, I can’t think of that ever happening before.

I had the best plans last night. I was going to make a brown rice stir fry with shrimp. Got home from work and threw the brown rice on the stove since it takes forever to cook. Then realized I had a ton of free time, so it might be good to do some cleaning/decluttering. Realized I needed garbage bags, so I headed to the store to pick some up along with some other groceries. Only on the way back did I realize I left the rice on the stove. Opened my apartment door to smoke just billowing out. Destroyed a pan, but luckily didn’t start fire.

So, stress levels were high, and it was getting late, especially since I had to spend the next hour opening up every window and setting up fans to air the place out. And this is around the time where my brain starts being irrational. That I had picked up whipped cream for a dinner party I have on Friday, so I thought I deserved that. Straight from the can, of course, lol. Then I think that it just doesn’t matter and ordering takeout would be fine since I deserved it and “couldn’t” cook. So I’m flipping through a newspaper ad looking for coupons for the most greasy carby thing I can find when I realize that these aren’t my thoughts. These are my stupid lower brain’s urges that my higher brain is rationalizing.

I forced myself to leave the kitchen and go to the living room, and write down why I wanted to order and eat takeout food until I felt physically ill. The first thing I wrote is that it would make me feel better. On paper, it’s obvious that this in no way would make me feel better.

Second I wrote that I deserved it because I had a bad day and should feel happy. Which made me think of other things, besides binging, that would make me happy. Reading a book, watching my favorite movie, having the energy to go workout in the morning, were all better things.

And then my irrational brain turned off. And it’s like I felt as if I had been possessed. 5 minutes earlier, a binge seemed like the absolute best thing I could do, and now I can just barely remember how I was able to rationalize it. It’s so bizarre. I’ve talked to friends who don’t have this issue, and they just can’t understand it. They think it’s as simple as “Just don’t do it, why is that hard?” And while in one light it can be that simple, in the moment it’s absolutely not.

Anyways, long story short, I ended up making my favorite healthy junk food, vegetarian buffalo “chicken” nuggets, with celery and greek yogurt ranch dip. Moral of the story is that brains are dumb.

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1635 kcal

Fat: 72.80g | Prot: 134.64g | Carb: 110.61g.   Breakfast: Mina Harissa, Egg, Egg White, Broccoli. Lunch: Ranch Salad Dressing, Skinless Chicken Breast, Great Value Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Thomas' Sahara 100% Whole Wheat Wraps, Trader Joe's Chocolate Lava Cakes, Yancey's Fancy Fresh Cheddar Cheese Curds, Rudy's Cole Slaw. Dinner: Stubb's Spicy Bar-B-Q Sauce, Onions, Butternut Winter Squash, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Apples, Olive Oil, Pork Loin (Whole, Lean Only). Snacks/Other: Dymatize Nutrition ISO 100 Hydrolyzed 100% Whey Protein Isolate, Raspberries, Chobani 0% Plain Greek Yogurt (8 oz). more...