|
**Very Personal info ahead. I'm sorry to share it here. i don't have anyone else to talk too. =( **
My weekend was good. At least I thought it was until last night. I had alot of fun with my P. We talked alot, which I needed, and I THOUGHT we were in a good place. We have been kind of 'weird' since the fight we had last week. I told her how stressed out I have been and she talked about how she felt. A few 'kinks' happened when we talked but i will get into that in a minute. I didn't eat the best over the weekend, but I honestly don't care. I had beer, well 7 of them to be exact, and I don't care about THAT either. I NEVER drink and it was fun. Those of you on my FB page saw my 'drunk' posts. AND those HORRIBLE pics. Those WILL be coming down today at some point. =) It was fun though. At least I THOUGHT it was.
Ok so, my P is like a man. Thinks like a man, and isn't emotional at ALL sometimes like a man. She also has a libido like a man. We have issues in the 'adult time' dept. Or I guess I should say I have issues. I have always had issues with sex due to childhood 'reasons' and so it never was REAL important to me. I mean, I like it and stuff....but it honestly isn't on my top 5 priorities. is that bad? I don't know. Am I the only women out there, that sex isn't a top priority? I really hope not. =(
So a few years ago when I started my last job, it really took a toll on me. It was the most stressful job i have ever had. I don't deal very well with extreme stress. ( if you haven't noticed) So it propelled me down a bad road leading to extreme depression. Mind you, I have always had issues with depression, but it really came out full force. I started going to all these DRs to try to get a hold on my migraines and they kept putting me on all these medications and getting on me about my weight and my BP went up and it was a spiral of crap. The meds made me worse and my BP was OOC. I eventually quit the job but my depression was OOC as well. It was so bad I was sucidal. All during this, i was trying to talk to me P about it. She never believed it was that bad. Even when i told her. It's hard for me to really 'TALK" to her sometimes as she doesn't really HEAR me. Could be that I don't tell her in clear and consise words...IDK. Anyway, I was crying every day. i was never sad about HER it was always about me.... I was a loser. i was fat and ugly. i was crazy because no one could figure out WHY my migraines were so bad and they made me feel like it was all in my head. I sucked as a GF.....so manythings going through my head. AND my P was getting upset because we weren't having sex. I didn't want her to touch me. I was so repulsed with myself that I couldn't even look in the mirror. I mean, I honestly just wanted to die. I'm not ashamed of saying that. You all might think I need a straighjacket, but I've come back from THAT and, to me, THAT is such an accomplishment. Anyway, she was always on me about sex. i tried to tell her what i was feeling and she just didn;t understand WHY I didn't want to have sex too. Well, I'm dealing with other stuff that, to me, were more important then sex. She didn't think so. We HAD sex a few times, but I guess it wasn't enough for her.
fast forward to this weekend. ALL she is talking about is 'getting busy'. Friday night, we have this long talk about what is going on. i tell her I'm all stressed and all this crap and it's a GOOD talk. I haven't really 'talked' to her about what i was feeling last week so it was good to get it out. Saturday morning we wake up. I wake up sad. So we lay in bed and talk and I start crying and she then tries to have freaking sex with me. I got even MORE upset. I mean, WTF! I'm crying and you want to freaking do me? So she stops and after few mins I stop crying and guess what....she freaking fell asleep. So I just closed down and made some funny remark and that was that. sat was a good day as well as sunday. Sunday afternoon we went out for a fun mexican lunch and sat outside and then went and had a few beers. It was fun. Sunday night we went home and she got what she wanted.
Monday. We wake up and go about our day. We went grocery shopping and she is acting kind of mean. I blow it off. She gets meaner. i ask what is wrong and she says nothing. So fast fwd to last night. I made her homeade chicken soup and we had dinner. She is still acting all weird and mean. Finally, she tells me she is really pissed off at me but she isn't gonna tell me what it is. I get mad and am like, why in the hell would you tell me you are soooooo pissed off at me but NOT tell me what i did? I then think back over the whole weekend and can NOT for the life of me figure out what in the hell i did to make her so freaking pissed off. We go back and forth and I'm getting really pissed off myself and start getting mouthy. So then she hits me with it. She tells me she is sick and tired of me not wanting sex, that its been two years she has had to 'put up with me and my shit', she thinks i don't want her, that I only had sex with her because i was drunk, she is sick of hearing about my weight issues, and on and on.
A. I innitiate ALL affection in our relationship. We kiss and hold hands and cuddle ALL the time. We tell each other we love each other ALL the time.
B. I tell her ALL the time how hot I think she is. I send her texts about it because I know she sometimes feels it's her. Even when I have told her MANY times its me. i completely understand how she feels about thinking it's her. BUT IT'S NOT. She knows my childhood issues but seems to always forget.
C. Sunday night 'after' she sat there and told me how much she loved me and all this emotional stuff.
D. She was buzzed after having a few beers too. SHE had fun as well. I also told her before we even WENT TO THE F'N bar that she was going to get lucky.
So after she goes off on me for a while, she then tells me she wants an open relationship. So I shut doen even more and don't say a word. She THEN FREAKING TELLS ME SHE WANTS TO MOVE F'N OUT!!!!!!!! I was like WTF!!! After all this love bullshit this weekend, you tell me you want to f'n move out!?!?!?!?! So she got up and went to have a smoke. i then got up grabbed all her crap for work today and a pillow and blanket and threw it all in the hallway and locked the bedroom door. i then spent many hours crying thinking i don't blame her. I knew sooner or later she would leave me or cheat. I guess now is the time.
I'm numb. I know I have issues but so does she. i stayed with her a few years back when NO ONE would of stayed. She wasn't the best GF and I had many reasons to throw in the towel. But I stayed with her because I loved her.
I know I'm a mental case. I'm trying to hard to fix myself. i can't help that sex isn't as important to me as it is to her. i wish it was. i really DO. i try so hard to make her happy.
I don't know if this is the end or our relationship. I'm really just shocked and numb. My eyes hurt from crying. I have class today and i don't want to go. It won't matter anyway if she really moves out. i will have to get a fulltime job to pay the bills.
Am i wrong for not wanting sex as much as her? I told her in the beginning of our relationship I had issues with sex. I feel so bad that she feels I don't want her. I DO. that has never been the issue. It's sometimes like I have to reassure her so much but when I do, she never believes me. I know being with me must totally suck. Especially these last 2 years. I'm really trying, though, to not be that person anymore.
=(
Diet Calendar Entries for 06 September 2011:
|
963 kcal
|
Fat: 64.29g | Prot: 79.83g | Carb: 4.16g.
Breakfast: IMPRL DELIGHT QTRS, Medium Eggs, Turkey Sausage Patties. Dinner: IMPRL DELIGHT QTRS, Cream Cheese, Chicken Breast. more...
|
|
3381 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
|
|
 Comments
I know this is a hard situation. You love someone so much and things just seem to fall apart. All I can say is don't be too hard on yourself. You always tell her it's you not her, but in this situation it's probably not you it's her.
You are an amazing person who has accomplished so much. While it's tough perhaps this is good thing for you right now. You are working so hard to get your life in order, and this will give you a great opportunity to figure out who you are and what you really need. Remember that the most important person is YOU and you need to do what is best for YOU.
06 Sep 11 by member: diddoh
|
It sounds like you're working on your issues and that's HUGE. Do not feel guilty about not wanting sex as much as the next person, even if that person is your GF. Everybody is different. I'm afraid that I'm not going to do a very good job telling you how I feel about this situation here. It's clearly a VERY intense, emotional situation. Mostly you have to let the guilt go. You shouldn't feel bad about being who you are. Love and sex are two completely different things. You and your GR can share love together without the addition of sex. She shouldn't pressure you into it even if she wants it that badly. It sounds like she doesn't respect you like she should. Even if she was horny as all-get-out she should take the time to listen to you and NOT fall asleep during important conversations.
06 Sep 11 by member: kziemianski
|
You are not alone. You are a beautiful person. I don't know what will happen with your relationship; however, if it does end, it is not because being with you 'must totally suck'. I wish I had better words to comfort you, but even as much as it hurts now, that too will pass.
06 Sep 11 by member: MrsTofu
|
I know what you mean about the adult time. I think it was doctor phil or something I was watching suggested that you schedule it....and you might now want to do it but chances are once you start you will get in the mood. Sit down and talk to her and decide how often a week you could settle on....like one or 2 times a week and schedule it...the more you do it the more you will want it....I dont know if it makes any sense, but thats what my boyfriend and I did. I always wanted it he was always too tired....so we set up a schedule and now we dont use the schedule because it happens enough on its own for the both of us to be satasfied.
Cheer up! She may just be frustrated and need a while to cool off. Living with someone makes it hard to have space when you get angry and then the anger tends to explode!
06 Sep 11 by member: allieaac
|
me and my hubby had recently had to schedule it where I pick a day and he picks the other day and we have to stick to this, as otherwise, I can go months and months without it (I seriously think I'm the only woman out there like this - until reading your post!). I never ever want it, and I'm not sure what the reason is. It is really hard dealing with something like that and I always try and think how would I feel if the tables were turned and it would be a pretty crappy situation. I hope things work out for you. What about counselling or something like that? Especially since you seem to have some issues with sex stemming from your childhood?
06 Sep 11 by member: ADobs
|
I feel your pain honey. And your Ps pain. I am the one in my relationship that wants sex. I want it daily and am happy with twice a day. My dear darling is good with once a month or even less. It has been a struggle for me.
I have realized that I substitute sex for love. It is my way of showing love and getting love. I am not stupid and know that sex is not love but still, it is something that I can't seem to change about myself. I can't help but wonder if your P is like that. All the affection that you give her may cause her to think that she is going to be able to show you her love and receive your love but when the day ends, she does not get 'it'.
Also, I understand the depression and weight issues. but have you ever stopped and thought that she loves you at your heaviest. AND she wanted you sexually. The fact that you were not comfortable with yourelf was sort of like telling her there was something wrong with her taste in women. I know that was not at all what you were saying but maybe that is how she took it.
I hope that you are able to talk this out and not just throw your relationship out the window. BUT - this is really important - you can't be ashamed of how you are or how you feel. if your relationship ends, it does not mean that you are not a worthwhile person. It just means that the relationship did not work out. It has no bearing on your strength or beauty or worth.
Again, I really hope you can talk to each other and work this out. If you can get some counseling - do it. If she will go with you - even better. i would love to be able to get some counseling but can't right now. Good luck to you and don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk more. Goodness knows my relationship is rocky... maybe we can help each other :)
06 Sep 11 by member: esimnons
|
Thank you everyone. I've gone from sadness to anger. I'm totally in the nager zone right now. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I'm going to go to class and just deal with it when she gets home. I hope my anger goes away by then or nothing is going to get worked out. I hate talking about stuff in anger. We will see. I'm not sure what I'm feeling anymore. My emotions are all over the place. Anyway, Thank you.
06 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
Sorry you had such a rough weekend hon. You have some things you struggle with but you acknowledge them & work on them the best you can. Because of that I don't think you have any reason to feel like a failure. She is frustrated because her needs aren't being met, & from her perspective she's tried to be patient & accomodating for a very long time now because she loves you...but that's not meeting her needs. You shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with especially if there is childhood trauma associated with it, yet she shouldn't have to continue going along without her needs being met, so there's this big gap. Sounds to me like the big issue here is communication. I've found that when me & DH have had serious conflicts like this, nothing got fixed until we made an appointment to discuss it, meaning we agreed upon a future time/place when we'd both come into it without being all worked up so we could talk reasonably about it. When all those feelings of frustration are flying around, it's impossible to hear each other, & by mutually agreeing upon a meeting for the purpose of working through it, it's more likely each person's concerns can be expressed more clearly & they can really hear what is being said without getting as defensive. Give it some time to blow over. Focus on you, make sure you eat properly, go to classes & take care of your business. Just get through today & don't worry about tomorrow until you get there.
06 Sep 11 by member: kstubblefield
|
Thank you Kat. I feel terrible that she feels like her needs aren't being met. I think maybe that's why i overcomensate with other things. affection being one of them. I mean if she really feels like this is a deal breaker for her, then I guess I have to accept that. I'm never going to want to have sex every day. I'm just not. I like the idea of scheduling so maybe i can bring that up. I don't know. =( We will see I guess. You are so right about setting up a 'meeting'. Tonight when she gets home i will see where her frame of mind is and suggest that for tomorrow or Thursday. Today is just NOT the day. Thank you for your comment. =)
06 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
06 Sep 11 by member: pixidaisy
|
Thanks Pixi. Sometimes a hug is the best thing. =)
06 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
Oh Dawn, I feel your pain chick. I like the others' ideas about scheduling it also. I think it is at least a step forward, but you both have to be on the same page with it. Hopefully your P will be willing to meet you half way :) Like Kat said, just worry about today and deal with tomorrow when it comes....everyone else said it best. Sending ((HUGS)) to you too <3
06 Sep 11 by member: tntmom87
|
I am so sorry you are feeling so down on yourself, you will get through this you are a lot stronger than you think. There is some great advice for you on here. If you can't both go to counseling maybe you should go, just for you, it will help you deal with how you feel. Also write your P a letter explaining how you feel, and hopefully she could do the same for you. Then you have more of an idea what you are both thinking, especially if you both get angry. Then work from there. But I have been married for 37yrs believe me that is not easy and we have had a lot of things to work through. It's funny how sex is so huge when there are problems, that is just a small part of the big problem. I do believe as Kat says communication is at the root of everything. {{{HUGS}}} and we are all here for you.
06 Sep 11 by member: Yvonne19
|
06 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
The suggestion about writing the letter is a wonderful one. It would help you organize your thoughts and be less emtional when you have the conversation.
06 Sep 11 by member: esimnons
|
Yeah, what they said, plus hugs too, especially about taking care of you, only you can do that. When you take care of you, THEN you can care for others much better.
06 Sep 11 by member: gg-girl
|
I very nearly cheated on my husband because of "adult time" issues. My needs were not being met. I felt like I had been extremely patient with him and his issues, but he didn't seem to validate my frustrations. It's hard to be in a relationship and feel like your needs are being disregarded. In the end, we went to marriage counseling. It helped. We still have our issues, but we can work through them better than we used to. (Even though this weekend was a shit storm). You cannot make yourself want to have sex. You can work on yourself and get yourself to a better place mentally and emotionally which you seem to be trying to do. Maybe it isn't a good idea for you to be too invested in someone else right now. You need to be totally invested in yourself because you deserve your total attention. Maybe your relationship can be salvaged, maybe your relationship can't, but in the end, you still matter enough not to allow your relationship to consume you. *hugs* I truly pray for you to reach a better place. It can be scary.
07 Sep 11 by member: XPrettyXFaceX
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
HerStrawberri's weight history
|