icymaiden's Journal, 17 May 2011

people closest to you can be scared/threatened or just have a resistant reaction to any kind of change, especially if it's a successful-to-you change like weight loss or a new interest, etc. It kinda shakes up their status-quo. Or he could just be being a selfish ass (which we all can be at times no judgement there). Either way change-sabotage by people close to you is very common. Tell him that you realize he may not be able to understand or support you in this but if he makes it harder on you it's just going to take LONGER and plus, you may never eat 'regular' pizza again. You won't ask him to change how he eats but it's something he will needs to provide for himself just as you are taking care of your new nutritional needs. But find a way to say all of that in two short sentences. Maybe even after a steak dinner for two and wear something sexy. 

I think it has to do with the fact that you are acting on a desire to do something positive or good for you....and when someone feels they should be doing the same thing but aren't...they make remarks as a defense mechanism to justify their unchanged habits (aka, guilt). Sorry for the run on sentence but it just came to me.  

I am sorry to hear your hubbie is acting that way. Mine kind of goes with the flow. He accepts that if he wants me to cook for him he needs to join me on this journey. So instead he does his own thing for meals. Works for us.  

When you get men figured out will you please let me know?  

Does he ever encourage you? I glanced at your profile, and I think it said you've been on it since March 14th. If he's like me, maybe it just slipped out. I talk way too much, and sometimes mix up thoughts a lot..but chances are, he isn't like me, haha. That sucks. Just tell him that you want support in what you're doing, and that he's free to eat what he wants. Like the others have mentioned, when someone finally decides to shake up their lifestyle and do something for the better instead of the worse..the ones closer to you will feel a little ashamed of themselves for not doing anything. They might also feel annoyed, if they're childish. I looked at your weight history, and Wow! You've done a great job =D Started at 200, and you're now at 164. I'm inspired by you, and I hope to have similar success. I started at 212 on the 28th of April, and I hope to lose enough to reach 180 as a starting goal. I'm trying not to think about my long-term end goal though >_< 149-168 as the BMI suggests. Anyway, it seems like you are definitely going to reach Your goal. Keep it up! 

I guess my resentment comes from the fact that a 43 year old man thinks that me not eating pizza is somehow forcing him to not eat pizza. He seems to not understand the concept of "if you are hungry make food, I'm not your chef" I got a small bit of encouragement at the beginning of the quest (before changes happened) maybe he was thinking I would fail and things would go back to what he thinks of as "normal" IE both of us eating unhealthy every day and not exercising and smoking like chimneys. As for my start date, it was March 1st, the first two weeks after induction I made the mistake of changing the diet to my own and back to atkins on the same day, thus creating a weird split and altering my true start weight of 195 to 185. BufferBear: Don't hold your breath, it may take several lifetimes for that. 

And thanks everyone for responses. I'm thinking it's a combo of guilt and him being thoughtless. 

I'm sure he's feeling intimidated by your success. Is he overweight or any shape? Because that will make it worse. Honestly, if my husband said something like that, I would just bring him a pizza home one night or order one for him - while I cooked my own steak dinner. No doubt he'd be jealous of my food anyway. :) I felt like I had to go out to breakfast with my husband the other day because that's something he loves to do on Saturdays and he hates that I don't go with him anymore. I honestly think that's what's made me so sick the last couple of days - because I don't eat out anymore it's been really, really tough on me. So what to do? Luckily, you can have pizza sent to your home and don't have to eat it. But it still sucks when our spouses say stupid things like that. 

He's not too overweight, he only eats one meal daily. He's terribly unhealthy though. I'm still trying to grasp why I would need to order food for a grown man who can dial the pizza number all by himself. Pre-diet it was fend for yourself most nights, with maybe 1-2 nights were someone would cook, and maybe 1-2 nights where we would go out to eat. I've never told him he had to change anything he does just because I've changed.  

I'm having a similar problem except that my fiancee needs to lose weight too. He has no willpower and then when he eats something horrible he looks at me eating my salad and says "See, this is why you should order for me." LoL It makes me annoyed because if I have the willpower to do it, so does he! Plus he lost a TON of weight about a year before we met (he was right at or slightly over 350 & then got down to 250 - he's 6'0). The issue is he had to drastically change what he was eating and he worked out 6-7 hours a day to get down in one year. I don't really know what to do with him; he picks his days to follow Atkins but then he'll drink beer on the weekends and then want in & out at 2:00am before he goes to bed. It's very frustrating to know that your spouse is unhealthy and not really being able to do anything about it. I think the problem in your case is that since he's not that overweight, he's not going to think he has a problem; until he tries to bound up some stairs one day and realizes he's out of breath! I totally agree with Moojuicerr - he's likely jealous that you've been doing so fabulously and feeling bad that he's not doing anything at all. 

Sublime: He feels terrible every day. No energy, always coughing. He drinks no water. His diet is affecting him in ways he is in denial about. If I tell him he will feel better if he just eats right, stops smoking etc He tells me he enjoys being unhealthy. If he would eat better he'd have the energy to keep up with me.  

Well i have to say....Boy you're doing great on this diet, gee that exercise is paying off even, your clothing is looking loose...( I think maybe he's insecure that you're a beauty that can get only more BEAUTIFUL. Stay strong....Good for you....have a healthy week....  

Deep down, he may be panicking a bit now that he has to face his own unhealthy habits. It's always easier to deny a problem when we have our spouse right along side us doing the exact same thing! Now that you've broken away and are making positive changes in your own life, he has no choice but to come face to face with the differences between healthy and unhealthy lifestyles. I have a DH who mentioned a few times, months ago, that he was thinking of ordering a pizza....because he was hoping I'd do my former-usual reply of, "Sure, sounds good." But, instead, I've just said, "Go ahead. I won't be having any, but go ahead and get one for yourself." Surprisingly, he never did AND he's stopped asking; making do with whatever Atkins food I had planned on having. (Yes, he's planning on having one in a couple weeks, but that's a whole 'nother story!) 

Interesting that the 'male' voice in this conversation just hit the nail on the head! Somewhere in the back of his mind is incredible insecurity! Men are incredibly visual. And he's seeing you change right before his very eyes!!! And I would bet this is triggering his comments, attitudes, etc. Are you two able to sit and really have a 'heart-to-heart'? Oddly, the only area my husband did NOT fully support me in, was going to the gym. It took a couple of conversations to get to the bottom of this issue... but turns out he was worried... because he knows how incredibly VISUAL men are, that other men at the gym would be 'checking out' his wife! (and they might be, and I can do nothing about that) But the truth is... I made some changes to honor his concerns. I agreed to only wear unattractive workout clothes to the gym! And nothing overly form fitting! These conversations actually helped a great deal, and now he works on his own changes, and goes to the gym w/ me a couple of times a week. I know it can be hurtful, disappointing, and frustrating - when those closest to you seem to be putting there junk in your way...as if to trip you up... but I would bet he loves you deeply, and fears losing you. or fears you not wanting him down the road. Sure hope you two can find time to talk! 

Thank you everyone for the comments and suggestions. JSfantome: "but I would bet he loves you deeply, and fears losing you" I'm sure that is true, but he is more likely to lose me due to his insecurities, his destructive habits and non-supportive attitude than some other men checking me out. Coach: Thanks, Sandy: the only low carb meal my hubby will eat willingly is steak and he won't touch the veggies.  

Ok, but what if ... this were the other way around? What if - you were back where you started, with no mindset to change... and he was dropping weight, going to the gym and starting to look "really fine!" And all these insecurities came up inside of you! But you didn't really see them for that. You just felt these deep insecurities about him. Wouldn't you want him to come and talk to you? Acknowledge that he sees your frustrations or concerns - and reassure you that his physical changes on the outside speak NOTHING to him changing his feelings for you on the INSIDE. You two need each other. Hopefully he will come to understand that what you need - is someone to LOVE you for WHO YOU ARE right now - the same way he loved you BEFORE - and will continue to love you in the FUTURE - regardless of weight, body shape, exercise abilities, food choices, etc. No husband is perfect, no marriage is perfect ... surely not me, or mine... but pls don't let your own hurt feelings over this take root and create 'unforgiveness' towards your husband. It's a hard road to come back from. Still hoping you two can find some time to really talk about this. Much Love. 

After my sister's son was born she started losing weight and her husband was incredible insecure about it! he was not very supportive at all but in their case, the marriage was still young and new. Last June she had her second child. Just from being busy with two kids and being a stay at home mom, she actually gained weight after having her daughter and in the beginning of Feb. she was 210lbs. She started working out and eating healthy and is now doing P90X...she's down to roughly 164lbs. However...this time around, her husband has been VERY supportive! They have had LOTS of communication though and he made stupid comments too and she'd bust him out ASAP when he did! Even though her husband is a very good looking man and naturally pretty lean, he was still a bit insecure about his wife attracting so much attention. I think life in the bedroom and her enhanced mood and energy has really helped though lol Def talk to your husband about what is bothering you before you blow up. I'm guilty of bottling up what is bugging me and then I explode. Don't let yourself get to that point. Great job with your weight loss and best of luck to you!!