FullaBella's Journal, 06 March 2014

Thursday - March 6th.

'All Things Food' continue to go well including the 4th night of abstinence from PBJ on the oatmeal. I'm also noting that I haven't wakened middle of the night with leg cramps either - perhaps the absence of sugar just before bed?

The rack of lamb yesterday was fabulous and Mushy and I munched on a chop mid morning after putting three others in the freezer. My little Frigidaire is becoming a treasure chest with the prime rib and lamb chops. Yum.

For dinner I was craving a burger with mustard so ... I had one. Home cooked with grilled onions & mushrooms, steamed spinach, fresh tomato and a really zesty cheese. No bun - I would have liked a bun but of all things they sell individually, buns are not in that 'single serving category' and so far I've not found any that 'thaw from the freezer' all that well. ((because, writing THIS it just now occurred to me I could have checked THE BAKERY, duhhhhh))

This morning I'm totally loving the 'double decadent chocolate coffee' from World Market with coconut oil stirred in and topped with a cloud of froth. To borrow Isabel's quote... pure liquid gold. Color me one happy gal.

I had a great deep tissue massage last night. My magician (masseuse therapist who churns me into a puddle of soft butter in 90 minutes) asked if I wanted to continue weekly or skip a week to see if that's when pain returns. I thought, 'well, I could... but right now.. I don't want to...'

Something happened to us women, or okay, ME. But I know I'm not alone in this. Back in the non-working days of Lucy and Ethel a day at the 'beauty parlor' was a treat. For my generation it became a chore, like maintenance.

When I had to face the corporate chic gals, I had the 'nails'. And I HATED feeling leashed to a manicurist every other week for 'fills'. Especially as I traveled all the time so it was always a new salon as I didn't want to spend my weekends at home that way. And the fills rarely looked as nice as a fresh set.

And if you've been thru this you'll sing along with my choir... it isn't pleasant. Every single time my hand was jerked and twisted sharply as the technician would make a 'tsk tsk' sound and say 'oh, this is horrible, who did this set...' as they attempted to convince me theirs would be so much better. So what is considered a luxury for many women became a personal hell for me.

But back to the topic. I made an appointment for next week explaining 'I don't want to have to limp in here hunched over every time. If I can feel this good after a week (as last week was heaven on earth) when I was in pain, just imagine how much better I'll feel in another week when I didn't start in pain. Let's give the magic a chance, shall we?'

After all, I don't want until the car breaks down to get it serviced or fill the tank. I have the fire extinguishers service, run regular tests on the security alarm, and no longer wait until I'm so starved I make bad food choices. I'm not running on empty and I'm making myself available to get adequate sleep. And as I told Blondie the other day (discussing her latest 'no show' nonsense) 'I'm minimizing the people in my life who cause me stress and pain and keeping those who treat me with kindness and respect - to which group do you choose to belong?'

And as if magic, yesterday's 'Journey to the Heart' flowed right along with this thought. So sharing below.

What a Wonderful World, hmm?

Bells

March 5 Operate from Desire, Not Will

There are times when we need to force ourselves to put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. But when we operate that way for too long, we can be separated from our heart, separated from our desires, instincts, and healthy inclinations. Separated from that part of us that lives and loves naturally. Separated from joy.

After years of grieving the loss of my son, I needed to come back to life. To do that, I had to force myself through the motions of living, those acts that I knew would create a good life for myself and my daughter. I was operating from sheer will, and that will was struggling hard to overcome the desire to give up. After a time of doing that though, I noticed that forcing myself forward had come habitual. Somewhere along the journey, I had forgotten about relaxing, trusting my heart, trusting my desires to carry me through. I became tired. Tired of forcing myself. Tired of pushing through.

I realized something else. It was safe to let go of willing my way through life. I had climbed the mountain. I was over the top. I was coming alive again. I had survived the toughest time. It was okay to relax and trust the guidance and desires of my heart. It was safe to relax and enjoy life again, to celebrate being alive.

If you’ve been operating from will, that was probably what you needed to do at that point in your life. It helped you survive, learn the lessons, get to the place you are now. But it no longer fits, not on a journey of joy. Not on the journey to the heart. Let desire and inclination replace will.

Let your heart and soul lead you forward. Then trust that they will, and trust where they lead. Let living from your heart’s desires reconnect you to joy.

Beattie, Melody (2013-04-30). Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul (pp. 65-66). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.