FullaBella's Journal, 30 September 2013

Thank you all for the kind, warm, wonderful comments of love and support on my previous journal. I'm sorry if it felt like I left you hanging all weekend; I had a trade show Sat & Sun so I was away from FS and journaling. Thank you for the many kind privates messages as well. I'm saddened by the number of people who shared similar experiences and congratulate all of you for being champion survivors in your own lives as well.

Regarding DH not really knowing the fine details about me ~ I'm actually okay with it because I've known it all along but hearing him voice it as a confession just seems like he's going through a 'last rights' phase. That in and of itself is taking a toll on my emotions.

Not knowing the specifics of one's spouse may very well be that Mars vs Venus gender variance; it may just be personalities. I think having my husband rattle off my statistics the way he can talk about cars or some of his other interests would be a bit unnerving. So this follows along the dynamics of most relationships.

Raising children for example; few will remember it as being 'just right'; most memories will yield the parents were 'overbearing and controlling' or 'uncaring and absentee'. Bottom line for me I often yearn for a George Bailey moment to know for sure I'm making a difference and marking a positive impression on those I'll leave behind but short of a Clarence or the Ghost of Christmas Future visiting I just have to do what I can and hope for the best.

And in all fairness, it may be hard to know me close up but not because of my childhood. I myself have blocked a lot of that from my own memory so how would anyone else know it? But as an adult I do seem to reinvent myself every few years with not only the multiple massive weight loss and regains but age influenced personality changes. The past year along has been a kaleidoscope for the outside viewer. I was reflecting on that as I dug holes in my backyard this morning to move the hibiscus. I'd say a year ago I'd have paid someone to do that for me but a year ago I didn't even have an interest in having a back yard much less one full of beautiful flowers.

I agree DH likely knows far more about me than he thinks but there's something emotional going on with him to make him 'wonder'. It may be pure surface level because of his upcoming birthday as he recalls his Mother passed away on (hers). Or it may be just the sheer exhaustion of trying to get through his days staring at the TV, watching the clock, and wondering how much time he has left.

For these reasons, I find I let myself get lost far too often giving him a wide berth. Were we of fairly equal health I'd be more demanding; probably even create flash cards to grill him. But it is what it is and I did follow up the next day, reassure him that while he'd score low on a Spouse-Aptitude-Test I didn't feel any less loved. And if there was anything he wanted to know beyond that, just ask.

Thank you for visiting me and for being my friends. I'm going to go try to catch up on your journals now. Hope you're having a wonderful Monday.

Bella