FullaBella's Journal, 27 September 2013

Really emotional morning involving discussions w/DH. What began with a comment on the obit page in our local paper morphed into a real eye opener or confirmation of something I'd suspected all along. In his own words he said 'I'd hate to have to write yours because it makes me aware of how very little I actually know about you and that's sad considering we've been married 25 years.'

It's true. I just never thought he'd actually admit to it. I didn't say anything, I just let him talk. I listened while he explained his version of a defense. He said my life, my childhood, the things that were done to me were so tragic he never wanted to dig any deeper. Again, true. But what about the past 25 years with me? He hasn't absorbed anything from that because of ... why?

This isn't a rant about him; it's what I've known and recognized all along. While I can tell you every single medicine, procedure, thing about him to the fine details of how he wants his toast, he can't tell you anything specific about me. At all. What does that mean? I'm no less candid with him than I am here in my journals but it seems the person expected to be the most involved in my life has invested the least.

Does it mean I was loved less? No. Just on the heels of his final haircut and comments I felt once again, he's preparing for the finale. And it was sad. It's as if he's taken a look at his role in our marriage and didn't like what he saw. Like he's asking me to forgive him for not being... better? Not necessary.

But having him voice his opinion on how tragic my life was, and his comment 'What would I write? Bella, born XDate, and survived despite everything done to her?'

Have I been so tragic to even HIM that he didn't want to get too close to me?

It left me feeling.. empty, sad, and a whole list of synonyms that I don't think I need to add here. So what does this have to do with weight and food? I realized when I feel this way, I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. But I don't know why so I wanted to explore it; maybe unlock yet another secret to my emotional eating to get it out of the way.

I felt like 'nothing', a shell, an empty box. Maybe I didn't want to feed 'the nothing.' Maybe starving 'nothing' will make it die and go away? How does this compare to when I want to eat just to feel 'something' and how to get the two to both just make peace? And in all candor, my apology in advance for the harsh image this may conjure, I think I figured out night snacking. I THINK it's because of FEAR. Not boredom, not hunger, but fear. Fear of going to sleep and what happened to me late at night when I was a child; preparation to insulate myself from that; fear induced eating.

I don't have the answer yet. Only time will tell. I know this isn't one of my more entertaining journals but it's mine and I found myself thinking 'well, I certainly can't record this topic on FS' and then remembered 'oh, yeah, I can. That's why it's my personal journal and this is what I'm doing to work through some of the emotional garbage that's poisoned my life thus far.

Thank you for reading,

Bella




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Dearest Bella... I hear so much pain and my heart aches for you and hubby. The day will come when you have your answers. I can't imagine what is going through your DH head, but to approach something like this, it took a lot of thought and probably courage on his part. And you... what a strong lady. I hope I have your strength should the day come when my hubby becomes a fatality of his MS. Loving thoughts sent across the airwaves. 
27 Sep 13 by member: ClassicRocker
This brought tears to my eyes. I want to reach through the computer and hug you.  
27 Sep 13 by member: 2ManyCurves
oh my dear Bella, just know you are worthwhile, you are inportant and you are beautiful!!! No matter what men think or dont think, do or dont do, feel or dont feel, we are women who have been wronged, beaten, hurt, but we are STRONG enough to be right, healed, and we are so Beautiful! I too have had a pretty bad childhood and early adulthood but now I know that I matter to ME! If I dont matter to me, I dont matter to anyone! Stop what you are doing.....walk over to the mirror, and smile at that wonderful woman looking back at you and say "Hello Beautiful!" Give it a try at least once a day, first thing....doesnt hurt to do it just before bed as well! Hang in there Bella, did you know your name means Beautiful? 
27 Sep 13 by member: PKs Grammie
First off, big hugs to you, my dear. Abuse as a child, especially the kind you alluded to, can cause life-long and deeply rooted issues. In fact, I'm not sure it's possible to experience anything like that without it transforming who you are so "can cause" should really be "does cause". I had a period in my life where I was abused by a male babysitter (I haven't ever typed those words before - I don't think I've even told my husband) and the thing I remember most was how, when I finally had the courage to tell my mother, she didn't say anything to me. But my babysitter never came around again. And that was that. So I can understand some of what you are feeling in that regard. As for DH and his not knowing you... the thing that comes to mind is that book title, Men Are From Mars - Women Are From Venus. We are the social calendar keepers, party schedulers, present buyers, detail noticers. Men are just not oriented to think and feel the way we do. So I don't see DH's absence of intimate details about you as a sign of not caring. You felt love and that's what counts. As for how you have been made to deal with an ailing husband for so long and the issues of mortality that it brings to the forefront, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I so very much empathize with you. I don't think I could speak any words that would truly bring comfort for I will close in saying that you are a special person in this universe and we are all lucky to have someone to love in our lives and to be loved. You are loved, dear Bella. You are loved!  
27 Sep 13 by member: evelyn64
I think it's great that you and your husband can talk so candidly. I have a feeling my husband couldn't write and obit for me either, he just doesn't think that way. He hardly remembers anything I say to him. You are such a strong person and so insightful. I think recognizing that your snacking might be related to something other than hunger is half way to figuring out how to stop it. Hope your day gets better and you have a great weekend. 
27 Sep 13 by member: SJacqueline
My sweet Angel! Thank you for sharing this most personal heartfelt exchange with your DH, and your thoughtful & insightful self reflections. You have suffered so horribly yet have maintained your compassion for others & have made such strides to love yourself in the short time we had to get to know each other. You are such an amazing woman and an inspiration as always. Sending you love & hugs! Xoxox 
27 Sep 13 by member: Ruhu
Bella, you are strong resilient passionate and giving. Every journey is so different. Your challenges can never be measured against anyone else's. Your husband has strengths, weaknesses, challenges all his own. If hes voicing the knowledge that he recognizes he hasn t known all the details over the years what a precious gift to have him acknowledge it aloud. As we all are getting closer to our own final chapters what a magnificent reminder...to wish we knew the ones we love better. You are a strong brave woman in so many ways.I had a thought today about size and relevance....it was a fleeting thought about a size zero being a nothing...discounted as not there and to be powerful you had to have some weight to you...just odd thoughts for the day. I bet if he were younger and stronger he d want yo know how you like your toast.  
27 Sep 13 by member: sharonfriz
My dear friend...Thanks for sharing your feelings with us..that is a hard thing to do some times...Maybe now you DH will learn more about you cause he wants to and not take it for granted any more...Love and Hugs...:O) 
27 Sep 13 by member: BHA
Bella your journal forced me to look at my own relationship with my wife. I am by no means a perfect husband, I'm a workaholic and she has graciously accepted my need to see my worth from what I do. The later years has slowed me down, and because of the jobs we do, we can get together for lunch a couple times a week. Yes, I could write an obit, but like your spouse there are probably many things in our past that we haven't explored. We all have baggage don't we? We carry broken pieces from our past as though they were random pieces of a zig saw puzzle. It my hope that if your spouse can't help with fitting together the puzzle that God provides someone to assist you in that role. It is courageous of you to admit your reality, especially one that causes pain. It seems to me that recognizing your reality is the first step back into a world where something healthy can grow. My thoughts and prayers are with you this night. May God sent you that angel that you have been looking for your entire life. 
27 Sep 13 by member: glen
Oh, Bella... I wish I could know you in person. You're such a wonderful woman, and knowing what you had to overcome to be such a person... But about you DH, men are selfish, he probably didn't notice you simply because he was looking at himself! That in no way means any other thing about your relationship. Stop overthinking this. But the reflections that it made you do about food and eating was great. They always say that the way to never regain back the weight is finding out why we got fat in the first place. You're so in the right path... Feel yourself hugged. 
28 Sep 13 by member: Re Becca
I agree with the person who said your husband loves you despite not knowing details about you. I was married for 21 years (+ 4 yrs dating) and like you, I knew all his personal details. I know my ex loved and still loves me but he didn't really KNOW me. I'm learning that communication is the key....your husband has opened a wonderful door....walk through it and continue your conversations. I would have given anything for my ex to want to talk to me. (hugs X 1000 to you) I know through trials in my life I have always leaned on God. I have family and friends but knowing He had my best interest at heart was what kept me going. Love to you from Georgia  
28 Sep 13 by member: sdowdyo
Bella, another challening journal. I commend you on your courage to write it all down and put it out there. I also commend you on recognizing the night time eating syndrome. And I agree, that fear, and insulating yourself and comforting yourself with food - it likely is the reason. I feel your sadness, your emptiness - that your husband couldn't write your obit, but he's hopefully wrong. He hopefully knows more about you than he think she does but if he doesn't 'know' you that deeply it doesn't mean he has loved you any less. Some people are 'unknowable'. I think many woman are so mercurial, myself included, and so changeable, over the years, that our partners can't keep us with the changes in us. I have been many people over the course of my 33 years of marriage and my husband has loved every one of those women, whether he liked them or not. I don't think I know him that well either, truthfully, but I love him despite the not nowing. This is a very difficult time for you and DH right now. You both know but likely don't speak of the fact that he is terminally ill and that every day is a gift. And with a big number birthday coming up and the planning behind it you are likely hoping that it will be a long time before you have to plan a different type of event to celebrate him. I have no words of wisdom, I seldom do. Your journals almost always amaze me, inspire me, make me sad, make me smile. You are a complex woman my dear and completely and utterly charming and lovable and so very dear to me. There is no way I can lessen your pain. Your thoughts are always changing, and they are what causes the pain. But I am hear to listen, to marvel, to wonder, to commiserate, to cry with you, to listen to you, to cheer you on, to encourage you, to remind you how wonderful, precious, dear and marvellous you are, to many of us on FS. Hoping praying that you find peace, that you have forgiven the bastards who hurt you. I don't know if the knowledge that God will sort it out eventually gives you any kind of peace but karma is a bitch and I hope you can smile while whomever roasts in some firey pit of Hell. Much love and huge hugs to a wonderful, brave, loving friend.  
28 Sep 13 by member: sarahsmum
Wish I could come through these wires and hug you Bella!! Sounds like you could use one. I know what you mean though. I know so much about the hubbster, and he knows some about me, but not nearly as much. Sometimes the conversations are one sided here. I just listen to his stories about his childhood, and the things he did growing up and in school etc. I've told him some of mine, but not all. I guess I was pretty content to just listen and not contribute. I hope you find those answers you are looking for. Love ya Bella, and big electronic hugs to you dear! 
28 Sep 13 by member: pumakitten
While I haven't "known" you for very long, I am in awe of your insight. Like the others, I, too, wish I could give you a reassuring hug and help you to believe that there's nothing to fear in the night anymore. :) 
28 Sep 13 by member: Sandy701
This breaks my heart. You have to be so brave to write all this and share it with us. hugs! 
29 Sep 13 by member: mntwins16
Your words reach right into my psyche and rip away my constructs I've built to keep me from looking at the same things in my own life. Dear lady, you could be my twin (the smarter one, of course ;o)). Should my partner write my obit, it wouldn't really reflect me; I was willing to share my history, but was faced with a rejection of that part of me. Thank you for looking so deep inside yourself and sharing with us; you not only help yourself. You hold up a mirror for me to face, your pain resonates throughout my being. Great appetite suppressant, thanks. I'm looking out the window at a lone squirrel methodically munching sunflower seeds on the deck, shielding his head from the rain and winds with his tail. He knew to come to me, was sitting under the overhand waiting for me to get up this morning. We survivors find a way to thrive. Having met you here has been a blessing to me. Wish you COULD have come to Vegas. ;o) 
29 Sep 13 by member: crabby Kat
Hugs 
30 Sep 13 by member: Rubie-sue
(((BIG bear hugs.))) I know you don't like them, but you are one helluva gal. You are a Phoenix, an inspiration to any woman who has been abused. Thank you for being brave enough to show the pain as well as joy.  
30 Sep 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
(((BIG bear hugs.))) I know you don't like them (hugs), but you are one helluva gal. You are a Phoenix, an inspiration to any woman who has been abused. Thank you for being brave enough to show the pain as well as joy.  
30 Sep 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
I read this and feel the pain I would feel for a wronged child and a loved friend. Ditto to what Sarah so graciously wrote. 
01 Oct 13 by member: Neptunebch

     
 

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