FullaBella's Journal, 12 June 2013

Wednesday, huh? A little weary this morning; had two great nights of sleep in a row but guess I pushed it by going to bed too early last night.

Dropped the car off this morning for it's annual service & detailing. I am virtually the little old lady who only drove her car to church on Sunday only I consider my backyard church. Barring any accidents I'll probably have this car at least another 10 years no more miles than I put on it.

Eating is fine. Have resumed eating 'fresh fruit without guilt' now that I no longer see that pie chart turn green on my food diary. I don't know why but that freaked me out; weird how I let things like that affect me.

Art party Friday - amazing how I let other things affect me too. When so many of the scheduled nights had been cancelled I'd asked the organizer to email me when she scheduled another. I learned of the one this week via another source and for a few minutes did the whole 'it's a secret, she doesn't want you to know she's having it because she doesn't want you there...' Why do I do that? Nonetheless, I just emailed her and wrote 'save me a spot.' Shut up negative voice.

Council meeting tomorrow morning - ugh. The agenda concerns property shared by one of my buildings; was another hush hush thing going on so I have to crash that little party too. Guess I need to pull on my big girl shoes and kick some behind.

Trade shows coming up two weekends in a row; probably the root of my sleeplessness. I always start stressing about packing, hauling, loading and displaying. I don't know why but I guess it keeps me alert and on my toes.

It occurred to me this morning I have not carried a 'purse' in probably three months. Of course, I'm never more than a few miles from home. I just carry my license, insurance and cash. Perhaps I'm having an Evelyn metaphor experience: lightening up my body and emotions is akin to lightening up the accessories too?

One of the things though that rang through that thought was the food (in case your wondering why I'm journaling about it.) I'd gotten into a habit of carrying cheese and nuts in the bag 'just in case'. This was in the beginning while I was trying to get my blood sugar under control with eating correctly but as it moved out of the 'very high' range I would have some 'very low' range experiences and would eat if my hands started shaking or I felt light headed.

But then time passed and it evened out and would just 'snack' because, like the food diary encouraging me to eat because I had room in my RDI, I would have that babybel cheese or packet of almonds because I was 'out of the house, in the car, and healthy food was in my purse.' Not because I was having a low blood sugar moment.

So realizing I wasn't carrying a bag led to the realization I hadn't needed those 'snacks'. I always carry a bottle of water with me, heck, always need more water. Anyway, I probably need to go FIND my purse now and see if there's some old moldy cheese or other snack food in it that needs discarding.

Final topic and I really don't know how to approach clearly it so here goes: do you ever wonder if the universe is prompting an action but are not sure how to proceed? See, I told you, confusing.

The driver who brought me home from the dealership was extremely overweight; I would estimate probably weighed 400lbs or more. Making conversation I said something about the new cars on display at the local fair; he started talking about the state fair and how he's gone every year on opening day for 28 years, etc. Cool... I was thinking 'man.. Bella... see, this guy hasn't missed a fair (like you did) just because he was overweight..'

But then HE continued with how he always rents a scooter and said, himself, 'I know I'm just being lazy but that's the best way to cruise the fair.'

I didn't say anything but silently reflected how I'd avoided the fair and so many other events that required a lot of standing and walking because of the strain from my weight; how I was excited to be able to go this year because I could go, stand, walk.

I mention this not because I was judging him - please do not think that's the point. I mention it because I'm a big believer in tipping points. Like, this 'time' for me, the tipping point was 'high cholesterol meds were giving me such horrible cramping side effects that I hoped eating oatmeal would lower my level enough to get off the meds.' That's really all it was. I did not wake up that day and say 'I weigh too much, I need to get ready for swimsuit season.' I just started the oatmeal to get my cholesterol down and the rest of it just sort of followed.

So I wondered, as we waited at a traffic light, if the universe was prompting me to share my story outloud or if it was testing me to keep my freaking mouth shut. I did the latter but wondered if I should have said something like 'this was the first fair I've been to in decades because I was never able to stand and walk much because of my weight....'

Maybe we all need our tipping points to just happen and it's best I kept my mouth shut. He didn't offer, himself, "I rent the cart because I'm too heavy to stand and walk." He just said 'it's a great way to see the fair.' But I never said 'I can't go to this thing because I can't stand or walk' either. I would just say 'you know me, how much I hate crowds of people...'

Thoughts?

Bella