Simille's Journal, 05 September 2008

Hey Everybody!!! I didn't post last night because by the time we got home from the Thanksgiving dinner around 11:30 last night, I was just too beat to do anything but go to bed. I had a great time, we won't discuss what I ate. I thought seriously about eating low-carb, and really wanted to (I even brought Michelob Ultra as my beer contribution) but aside from the turkey there was NOTHING carb-friendly. No cheese plate, no salad (except potato), no plain veggies--it was a healthy carb wasteland. While I did partake in some no-nos, I am patting myself on the back for attempting to plan ahead, and before we went I made myself a pretty hearty yes-yes snack so that if a) I was too nervous to eat, or b) there was nothing good for me to eat, I would have at least had enough nourishment to prevent me from eating the refrigerator when I got home. This is the first time I have actually made a plan of action before an event, and as this WOE is about creating lifetime habits for me I feel that I was successful even if I did eat some yucky stuff--but because I had planned I didn't eat as much yucky stuff as I would have before becoming conscious.

I also discovered last night that my nervousness, as always, was completely unfounded, and that I am a total biahtch when I'm nervous before an event (I put sweet Sarah face on when I get there, though--I'm always the consummate actress!). I am very lucky that Hill loves and understands me, 'cause if I had been him in the couple of hours leading up to the party I would have spent the first couple of hours at the party looking for someone new! I'm just always sure that no one is going to like me, and I won't find anyone to talk to, and that I will be repulsive to other people. This is completely CRAZY thinking--and I'm amazed at how much I am and have been affected by my weight, or more correctly, my own perception of my weight. I'm always afraid that people will be disgusted by watching me eat or that the only seating will be flimsy lawn chairs, and after 2 seconds in sitting on one I'll be sprawled in the grass unable to do anything but roll around like the kid in "A Christmas Story" who's wearing too many layers of winter clothes. I feel like people will only see the outside shell and not see the person on the inside. And now I have the added pressure of being with Hill--he is very handsome, smart, gentle, kind, thoughtful and handsome (I know, I said it twice). I never thought I would ever end up with someone like him; somehow it seems like some cosmic mistake, and I have these fears that one day we'll be out with a group of people and he'll turn to me and realize that he's made a horrible mistake. I have discussed this with him, not because he has ever done anything to make me feel insecure, but because he needs to know how I'm feeling (he says sometimes he feels the same way about me--that I'll wake up one day and realize I made a mistake!)and why I turn into a raving harpy on occasion. Huh, it's interesting...this is the first time I have written this stuff down (I had to take a break to cry--Silly Sarah)and I am shocked by how deep my insecurities and my body issues run. I really need to work on this, because it is TOTALLY my issue. The only person around me who has a problem with me IS ME. I have never been made fun of because of my size (I usually beat them to the punch). I have never been excluded because of my size--I have always had boyfriends when I wanted them and friends when I needed them. I have never broken a lawn chair within two minutes of sitting in it. These fears are all mental constructs that give me an excuse, an out, if I fail. I am discovering that I am not very brave, and that I have been using this body as an excuse to be afraid--more times and in more ways than I ever realized. I had a great time last night, met lots of wonderful people, had great, funny conversations all night and Hill spent the evening telling everyone I was introduced to that I am the REAL Miss America (his favorite thing to say about me) and making sure I was okay, and looking at me with the kind of love that lets me know he sees no one else in the room but me. I am a very loved and lucky woman, and I need to start giving myself, as well as others, the benefit of the doubt.