FullaBella's Journal, 08 May 2013

If Stupid Is as Stupid Does then I'm the Forrest Gump of the kitchen. I sliced my thumb open (AGAIN!) while making breakfast this morning. When will I learn? I think I'm going to start duct taping my thumb to my hand while I slice and dice as I just can't seem to get that sucker out of the way.

This was a pretty deep cut this time so it prompted deep thoughts. I reflected on how I've sliced the tip of my thumb OFF completely at least eight times in the past year. Yet, it keeps growing back. Not longer, not shorter. Always the same. Apparently I'm meant to have it despite my clumsy ways.

Thinking about the way bodies are able to regenerate and repair I had to give thought to the weight loss. Is it possible I'm MEANT to be a certain weight? That the way my eating healthy results in whittling off the weight is the paring knife equivalent of what I do to my thumb?

Yes, I've read the semantics. 'Don't say you lost the weight, say you release it. That way you can't find it.' Well, if literally slicing off flesh doesn't release it forever how can I expect it to evaporate permanently from the inside out?

Last week I announced going into maintenance mode for a while and started taking in a higher calorie total daily. Still healthy but more. But what began is 'I don't want to gain but I'm not focused on losing more right now' has evolved to testing a theory. I want to explore something physically while I work out more of this mental and emotional garbage.

I cannot ignore history. I've been battling an obesity and an eating disorder my whole life. I am now on my fifth experince of losing 100lbs yet this one is the opposite of my approach of the past. I had predicted this go around would take longer because I am older, my metabolism is probably completely destroyed from years of abuse, and I decided to EAT.

However, my prediction was wrong. There goes my job with the National Enquirer. Don't ask me when the next earthquake will be; I'm clueless.

The weight loss is following the same schedule as the past.

So what gives?

Here's the other thing I can't ignore and my only conclusion is 'no way to know short of an autoposy and I'm not ready for that today.'

Why never MORE? What stopped ME from reaching 350 or 400lbs? Not once, but four times. The same time schedule of regain each time. Taking off the weight takes about a year; putting it back on takes about a year. Then I stay at the same weight for years.

How is that? Did one slice of pizza, one pint of icecream more or less make a difference? Was it the 'not' supersizing? Was it 5 soda's a day instead of six? Half a cake instead of the whole thing? Three eggs, not four? How did I maintain 281 to 285lbs (as recorded at the doc) for five years in complete denial and indifference? That's five years of ice cream cakes and birthdays and holiday food and eating out and home delivery. How did I always managed to eat just enough to maintain that weight with absolutely no goal, direction or food diary?

This is why when I read journals, especially my own older ones, hinging on the whole calorie deficit compared to energy calculation estimate I just finally shook my head and said 'Stop! It's time to let the corn chips fall where they may!'

My deep cut reflections really didn't yield any 'aha' moment. I'm not going to toss my way of eating to the wind because I pretty much eat what I want now a days.

I do think I need to give consideration to the steak & cheese burrito I've had at 10pm two different nights this past week though. To think that can become a habit and be healthy is just being delusional at a time when I'm seeking clarity the most.

As always ~ thank you for reading.

Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 08 May 2013:
1799 kcal Fat: 94.74g | Prot: 106.23g | Carb: 142.83g.   Breakfast: Egg, Tomatoes, Bacon, Cheddar Cheese, Onions, Baby Spinach. Lunch: Onions, Sauerkraut (Solid and Liquids, Canned), Yellow Sweet Peppers, Dry Roasted Almonds (with Salt Added), Tomatoes, Pork Loin (Tenderloin), Cucumber (with Peel), Schwan's Strawberry Supreme Frozen Yogurt. Dinner: Smart Balance All Natural Rich Roast Creamy Peanut Butter, Pesto Sauce, Shrimp, Classico Creations Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto Sauce, Baby Spinach, Mariani Sun Dried Tomatoes, Kirkland Signature Artichoke Hearts Marinated in Oil. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Golden Fruit Blend, Cottage Cheese. more...
1934 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
You always hit the nail on the head. I'm going through the same thing. It started lasts winter, it became impossible to get my calories down to the point where I would lose weight. After stressing over it for a month or so I decided to just maintain. I would love to lose more weight and when the time is right I will. But I most definitely do not want to gain back any that I have lost and I think trying to force it will get me to the point where I just give up.  
08 May 13 by member: fatoldlady
you've got it, bella, i do believe it is about conscious choices. keeping mental clarity makes a difference, i believe that. it helped me with alcohol. it helps addicts all the time. and, yes, i freely and fully admit that i'm an addict - personally, i believe we all are addicted to something.... it's when we start to bring awareness, light and clarity to the "something" that we start to let go of the self-abuse... and for me, the overeating was just like the overdrinking - self-abuse. i'm giving up on that now - a dat at a time. 
08 May 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Sweet Ce - I agree I think everyone has something they are addicted too. It can be anything besides the ones frequently discussed (food, gambling,drugs, alcohol). Addictions can include reaing, sport, cars - anything that takes too much time away from what needs to be done - if that makes sense 
09 May 13 by member: elk2804
G'Mornin Bella Bella Bo Bella Banana Fana Fo Fella Fe Fi Mo Mella BELLA: You are my hero and I swear we share the same brain ;) My head is constantly nodding while reading your journal entries and I've even scared my dog by responding to your thoughts aloud with a "I hear ya BIG TIME Woman!". Your sincere candor & incredible wit are truely endearing and when I grow up...I wanna be just like you :)))))) Take it easy on that thumb, Yo Buddette Yeux 
09 May 13 by member: Yeux Lumineux
Morning Bella, love your ruminations and reflections. Your journey continues to unfold. Hope to goodness your thumb does grow back. Do the scientists know about you, you could grow parts for others, like a donation tree - LOL. Can wait to see what flows out of your mind next. And sweetie, I think sometimes you and I (and lots of others) just think too darn much. Which is why I like a drinkie now and then, it shuts down that whirling dervish part of my brain for a moment or two. Sometimes you just have to do what you know and see what happens. 
09 May 13 by member: sarahsmum
Hi Bella! hope you finger is doing better this morning. I am pretty clumsy like that myself..always in a hurry you know...lol I agree with Isabel...We do tend to think too much and really sometimes its just so confusing that it really hinders us from doing. I have slowly stopped thinking so much and slowly started doing more. I found that with all my thinking I was preventing myself from actually doing. I hope this makes sense..lol Have a great day Bella!!! 
09 May 13 by member: chattycathy1955
@Lady - yeah, part of this started because I wanted to slow the loss while I continued to work on not screwing up but then it evolved to a 'test' ... I realized I've lost this same amount of weight in this same amount of time four times... but in the past it was always low low calorie, no fat, etc. Now, if eating, and enjoying everything yields the same results.. well... hmmmm. Is it JUST Junk food my body can't handle? What is the 'secret' to this? @Ce - exactly - so many addictions. Eating that burrito at night wasn't over my limit calorie but eating when I'm not hungry is a habit I'm trying to break. @ Elk - I wrote a whole journal once trying to break down the difference between addiction and compulsion ... never came to conclusions but the fact that there are zillion's of books out there about it made me remember I'm not alone @Yeax - LOL - got that song in my head forever now... thank you, you silly! You are the first person who ever wanted to be ME when they grew up ... I'll never forget that! @Isabel - yeah, I know.. it's a thumb tip, not an entire limb but it did give me cause to think and while I do it far too much sometimes it helps. Sometimes I spin myself into a circle but other times I get that 'aha' moment and it breaks another link in the chain that held me back. @Cathy - well, the thumb is better and I'm only using the BIG knife now - something about that paring knife that takes me by surprise. I focus more with a machete I guess. I was thinking about the 'thinking' the other day and have a journal churning about that one but not today :-) Thanks again everyone! 
09 May 13 by member: FullaBella
I can contribute nothing, I'm somewhat infamous among my family and friends for being entirely untrustworthy with anything sharp, particularly pampered chef products. I have gouged out holes in my palm with the food chopper, and sliced off the tip of my thumb, including 1/4 of my thumbnail, with the apple peeler. Every time we get the knives sharpened I slice myself at least once, and I picked up the mandolin blade out of hot soapy water and sliced myself a good one...oh yeah, I cut myself on the storm window of this very office! The only thing I've learned from this is that I ought to have earned my dingbat wings by now. 
09 May 13 by member: CollyMP

     
 

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