FullaBella's Journal, 15 March 2013

I want to share something because the very kind comments on my journal this morning. Thank you. You're all very kind and supportive. Because of that, though, I feel an unsolicted yet 'keeping it clear' integrity need to reiterate I never claim to have this thing licked. I take this one day at a time, one bite at a time every single day. Yesterday is a huge example of that.

I never did get around to a full Calgon bath (long hot shower late last night) but when I fled from the shop I got a pedicure. So I'm sporting my new sandels with fresh paint today. Ta-da!

I'm sure there was some 'angel' looking down on me and taking care of me yesterday that got me out of the shop and into public and a footbath unscheduled because once the 'hold music' finally left my head I had the most overwhelming urge to 'fill' the empty part of my body this stress has eaten away, and in a big way. I wanted to binge, a full fledged eat until my sides hurt hide the dog binge.

I know where that came from; I have felt so out of control on this whole thing that I know I can always control a binge as I'm the one shoving food in my face. But fortunately, I was in the massage chair my feet were soaking forcing me to sit still and work through the emotions, even in my head.

I had to remind myself the 'control' I would feel for a brief time would be regretted later. I had to admit that I am only one person with so much power and am doing the best I can. I had to deal with my emotions like an adult despite the toddler in me who just wanted cake & icecream to stuff down the tears I felt bubbling beneath the surface.

I have no obligation to confess this to anyone. I share it as a reminder to myself not to get too smug or cocky when people think from the outside looking in that I have this all figured out. I don't. I just keep trying. Every day.

I even had a small slice of chocolate cake last night. No binge. No throwing open the fridge and licking it clean. But if I'd been 'home' when that 'empty out of control' feeling hit, I'm not sure I'd have done as well. I just pray for strength and protection the next time it does, cause.. I'm sure it'll come around again.

Well, I need to pack for a trade show this weekend so I'll wrap up my journal with an update on the identity theft fiasco still consuming my precious free time. Bullet points and answers to yesterday's comments follow:

*No, the hold muzak is some random weird melody devoid of anything catchy, peppy or remotely entertaining. It doesn't even make for good 'squatting' music. It seems more suitably composed for 'crossing leg, flicking foot and holding head in hands'. At least, that's how it affects me.

*The good news is (as if there could be any) per the IRS representative who did eventually answer the phone Thefty won't be getting their refund either and they take this very seriously and will prosecute when they catch them. As I prepay my taxes with quarterly contributions, that's a bit of good news.

*The bad news is they won't begin to clear up the confusion until I submit my return so I'll be shelling out the $900 for my hard copy return this afternoon and getting all the 'not me, fix it' documentation in the mail by Monday. While I'm out I'll pick up a calendar and begin marking off the days til resolution like a death row prisoner.

*The other good news is while I too have a temper that surprisingly hasn't landed me in jail and/or anger management I haven't yelled directly at anyone even the boneheaded lawyer this morning that drove me to the brink of insanity by wasting my time and trying my patience. (Sadly, MY normal, smart, brilliant capable attorney is out of the country ~ he'll be back next week and I'm strapping an ankle bracelet on him until this is resolved.)

*And in a weird 'I'll take whatever I can get' reaction I was actually able to smile when the nice lady at the police station gave me my identity theft report for free (because she did not want to break a $20 bill to collect the 20 cents for the cost of the report).

*The temporary frustrating realization, per dimwit lawyer above who really only seemed to want to refer me to another attorney because, after all, they aren't on retainer so let's run up a bill, was that by the IRS having my name spelled correctly (most people wouldn't put two L's in Bella) and my address is correct he feels it's someone who knows me. Sigh - that's your advice? Really? I'm a freaking business owner for goodness sake. My name is spelled correctly beside my address in about ten thousand google links at any given time. Well, maybe a hundred but you get the idea. I actually sat for about 15 mins giving his stupid advice it's due when I went 'oh... duh....' and decided to discard my list of potential suspects and targets.

That's it folks ~ I'm outta here. Thank you for reading and y'all have a good weekend.
Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 15 March 2013:
1143 kcal Fat: 71.81g | Prot: 72.95g | Carb: 54.21g.   Breakfast: Bacon, Egg, Onion, Spinach, Sargento 4 Cheese Mexican, Sauerkraut Libby. Lunch: planters nut rition, Cracker Barrel Cheddar, Romaine Hearts. Dinner: Campbells French Onion Soup, Cottage Cheese, Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: Smart Balance Peanut Butter, Chocolate Cake. more...
2058 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Bless your heart and yes being away from food is what I need to do at moments like that too. Nice job woman! 
15 Mar 13 by member: thynes
Yuck yuck yuck I can't even imagine trying to deal with all of that crap - I can't wrap my head around how awful some people in this world are.. how could someone do this to you??? It's unbelievable.. 
15 Mar 13 by member: erika2633
It really is unbelievable! I applaud you for not "licking out the refrigerator", because honey I'd have had to fight that urge too! This is really a load of fresh and robust bull product you're having to shovel. Wish I could offer more than virtual hand holding, but that's what I've got and if you need it, you got it! 
15 Mar 13 by member: CollyMP
Proud of you..its not easy to control those emotional eatings..but you did an awesome job..Keep it up...:O) 
15 Mar 13 by member: BHA
You describe those feelings very well - if I could just muster up the wherewithall to deal with them like you do but I'm too busy shovelling to stop and deal :) 
15 Mar 13 by member: sarahsmum
Great work with the self analysis. :) If I ever had an out of control urge to binge at home I would be SOL, all I have there is protein shake mix lol. 
16 Mar 13 by member: Savaticus
I hope your weekend is filled with smooth-sailing and success. The pedicure was a good thing to do for yourself. As I lie here this early morning with a stomach ache from "licking up" too many goodies last night while straightening up the condo prior to the maid's visit today, I'm learning from your introspection. I surpassed my goal, but I haven't "picked" my emotional eating issues, either. My painful foot & withdrawal pains from my Zumba addiction led me to consume more than I needed, sigh. Today is a fresh new day! 
16 Mar 13 by member: crabby Kat
I haven't "licked " or kicked, not picked, my emotional eating habits, oops, ha ha. 
16 Mar 13 by member: crabby Kat
I just got caught up on your past few journals, identity theft is a horrible thing. Its so unfair that you have to spend all that time and money to straighten it out.  
16 Mar 13 by member: fatoldlady
Perfectly said! I can just picture that atty with a ball and chain! Dang IRS, I've had to deal with them too, it does end, but you have to fight all the way, jerks. By the way, your journal helps me a lot! Currently I am doing well, but I do and WILL have those days where I want to lick the crumbs off the floor, your journal helps me and others, figure, we CAN fight it and work out the slimey binge thoughts that take over. Good job! Whoot! Now go box the punching bag...  
16 Mar 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
You are winning this war my friend!!! Choosing to pamper yourself over eating a vat of chocolate is so fantastic!!!!! If this were a war they would put up a monument on the 15th and it would say "on this day bella chose to self nurture and not self defeat. " bravo!!! Standing ovation over here. : )  
17 Mar 13 by member: sharonfriz
I think you need to give yourself more credit on avoiding that binge. Sometimes, even if I just have the thought and can't do it right then, somehow I've still give myself 'permission' whether I really want it later or not. You did amazingly well, especially in the face of that amount of extra stress :-).  
17 Mar 13 by member: blueniamh
Thanks everyone. I've never been in a structured 'recovery' 12 step plan but sometimes I feel that's what I'm doing 'here'. Whenever I reflect that in the past I binged to deal with my feelings and stress and yeah, it's been over six months now since I did that ~ I want a chip. A doritos cool ranch w/some dip chip :-) Nahh. I just share that because there are so many people here who are battling the same *(emotional eating, boredom eating, everything looks so good I'll eat one of each eating) and as I'm still in my 'first year' phase and haven't won the battle past toddler time I just keep working harder and harder to get the foundation right for when the terrible two's arrive. Thanks again ~ you're all great friends and wonderful support. 
19 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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