Lotus's Journal, 05 July 2008

I have had a total ephiphany over the last week or so. I am doing something I should have done a long time ago, something more scary than Atkins or exercising 24-7. Something that may or may not get me to my goal weight. I am QUITTING DIETING. Yes you heard me correctly. Oh my gosh that is scary even to say. I am SICK of following one diet after another, only to rebel and eat large amounts of whatever the current forbidden fruit happens to be. I am SICK of obsessing over every up and down on the scale. I am SICK of re-routing my life around food.
I am not giving up on my health or diving headfirst into constant bingeing. I am not going to systematically regain every pound I have lost. What I am doing is beginning a long process(oh yes it will be long and not instantaneous!) of getting myself out of the diet mindset and to the point which I trust myself around any food, accept my body COMPLETELY regardless of whether my weight is up a pound or down a pound or if I am a size 2.
Now, I am not going anywhere, in fact I need support right now more than ever, because this is going to be scary and it is a learning process. There are guidelines I am still doing a program, it is known by several different names, Intuitive Eating, Mindful Eating, Non-Diet Approach. It is based on first legalizing ALL foods yes ALL foods. You eat when hungry, and are careful to stop at a comfortable level. There is a hunger gauge to use before, during and after meals or snacks. You exercise because it feels good not to punish yourself. There is much more but I don't have it in front of me at this moment.
I must do this because I am not getting anywhere anyway. I want so much to be normal again. I am a chronic dieter, and I want to recover from my binge-starve "thin is the only option" mentality. I don't believe that others that are not an "ideal weight" are any less of a person, so why do I judge myself this way.
I am still doing research and will keep you all posted. Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating was the beginning of my awakening. I truly beleive this is the answer. Even if I gain initially, which is a risk, the most important thing is to break out of the dieting cycle and the compulsive behavior which is ruining my life, yes ruining it. I am not being melodramatic. Dieting has become my god. It has beecome more important to me to be thin than my other hopes and dreams, sex life or parenting. It takes up far far too much of my energy.
Of course, i will have to maintain focus if I am going to make it. But NOT all my focus. Balance is the name of the game, as is forgiving slipups and using everything as a learning process. I will do this. I will reprogram my mind. Even if I have to gain weight. OUCH. It hurts to even say that.

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1808 kcal

Fat: 42.88g | Prot: 45.95g | Carb: 325.39g.   Breakfast: Vanilla Bean truffle, shredded wheat, banana,  8th Continent. Lunch: sugar free jam, cool whip, Tapioca Pudding, jif, Sara Lee Whole wheat bread. Dinner: chocolate syrup, breyer's free. Snacks/Other: All bran fiber drink mix, hot cocoa, biscotti, Premium French Vanilla Ice Cream, minute maid light cherry limeade. more...

1506 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Housework - 1 hour, Resting - 14 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...