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This morning, I finally realized and accepted that I'm so lucky to have spent most of my life morbidly obese.
Okay, maybe 'lucky' isn't the correct word. Being lucky would consist of having the ability to claim 'I can eat anything I want and never gain a pound, never have high cholesterol or high blood sugar and never have to go up a size in jeans. Oh, and I have a 750 credit score too.' Yeah, that would be lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky.
Nonetheless, one of the really great things about this FatSecret Website is there are people here All sizes, All weights, All professions, ALL ages, and All with the goal to lose weight and /or control food addictions.
And from everyone here, I learn something. I read about a behaviour that mimicks one I have and collaborate about ways to stop it (or reinforce it if it is a good behaviour). And I am enjoying the heck out of the recipe forum.
However, back to my tongue in cheek opening. Except for four times in my life (check out the bio) when I've lost a massive amount of weight through starvation and stupid diets, I've always been very overweight - pegging the scale between 250-320 and at my optimum height (( I think I'm starting to shrink at my age)) I'm only 5'2". Yeah, I'm just short for my weight.
So I was probably at 290lb when MH married me 25 years ago so I am lucky I'm not married to a spouse who was disappointed that he married a slender athletic bodied cheerleader supermodel pageant contestent trophy wife and woke up one day married to a sumo wrestler.
Two of my massive weight losses have occurred during our marriage - once in my 30's and again in my 40's. But contrary to what people may assume, no, he wasn't thrilled.
MH is older than me and whenever I'd reach my healthy goal weight he'd stupidly listen to those moronic jacka$$e$ braying at him 'you better watch it... she's gonna leave you for some younger man!'
As IF the only reason we married was because I was so fat & ugly he was the only schmuck who'd marry me.
But he'd listen to them and his insecurities took hold of him and his suspicion overwhelmed both of us and his insecurities became my insecurities and I would eat just to please him (yes, stupid) and 'lo and behold the river reopened and in flowed the cheeseburgers, pizza, ice cream and nacho's.
It wasn't all his fault ~ no no, I do accept my own sabatoge in the process. Reaching goal weight 'then' consisted of starving and living such a restricted 'diet' (( if you could call 500 cal a day a diet)) that any deviation, any 'just this once, this bite of a cheeseburger' and I wouldn't just fall off the wagon, I'd drive the dang wagon over a CLIFF!
And all the way down the cliff I'd binge and purge and starve then just binged until I found myself back up at 250+lbs.
When I joined FatSecret I'd read bio's of folks who were '123lbs with a goal weight of 120lbs' and I'll confess, at first, I was like 'oh, bite me skinny.... give me a break... 120lbs.... waah waah waah' because here I sat needing to lose 100+lbs or so to reach goal weight.
BUT then I realized for this to be the last weight loss trip I ever have to take for the rest of my life, I would have to work on my insanity - ala - STOP doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
So I allowed myself to open my thoughts to finding food that was good for me instead of starving, finding ways to work on my behaviour towards food instead of my tired old 'gee, I'll only eat a can of sauerkraut today' diet (( believe me... you can SAVE a LOT of money compared to those GNC cleansing products... just eat nothing but dill pickles and canned sauerkraut and you'll be clean as a whistle! Lonely, but clean )) and opening my heart to people I would normally 'resent' and take a lesson from them.
For if *I* can reach MY goal weight and stay with Fat Secret and continue to log my food and correct my bad behaviour at 5lbs instead of 55lbs or 155lbs... then I CAN live a healthy weight the rest of the life I have left.
So why am I lucky?
Well, having been obese 'most' of my life, I don't have to eat in secret. I don't have anyone watching me put food in my mouth and commenting about it or judging me. MH never asks 'is that on your diet' other than when he's suggesting something for dinner and wants to know if I can join him with the same. He's also very supportive that I was able to bring my blood sugar down with healthy eating instead of medicine (as he had to start taking medicine for his diabetes). Now if I can just keep the braying jacka$$e$ out of our lives.
So, lucky me, I don't have the problem binging in private or at night or when everyone else finally goes to bed as so many people here struggle with. When he hears me open the fridge at night he asks 'what are you getting' only because he may want something too.
Oh heck, maybe I'm just lucky because I accept and love my body today. It's the only one I have, it's stuck with me through thick and thin and it keeps giving me the strength and energy to get through the days, weeks and years despite having abused it. Yeah, I'm lucky. And for this, I am grateful.
Thank you for reading.
Diet Calendar Entries for 29 November 2012:
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2911 kcal
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Fat: 197.23g | Prot: 118.38g | Carb: 168.86g.
Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Creamer, Flax Seed, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee. Lunch: Schwan's Chicken Breast, Wholly Guacamole, Sargento Reduced Fat Colby Jack, Bruschetta Crisps Asiago Cheese. Dinner: Yoplait Light Yogurt, Granny Smith Apple, Oatmeal Cookie, Sweet Cherry Peppers, Schwans California Blend, Sirloin Steak. Snacks/Other: STUPID BINGE WITH WEEK OLD ONION DIP!!!!, STUPID BINGE WITH CORN CHIPS!!!, STUPID BINGE OF BREAD WITH SANDWICH, STUPID BINGE WITH BRAUNSCHWEIGER, STUPID BINGE ON HELLMANS MAYONNAISE. more...
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3705 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Sleeping - 8 hours, Sitting - 6 hours, Desk Work - 6 hours, Standing - 2 hours, Housework - 1 hour. more...
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