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This journal has nothing to do with weight, nutrition, exercise, or anything like that. It is a personal dumping ground for what has consumed me for the past 5 days.
Just when I thought I couldn't take another brick on the load - was it the lunch lady arms comment I made three weeks ago?? - another has fallen on my head.
This time it is my oldest. My little buddy. My own version of "you and me against the world." For a long while, it was just him and me. We have a bond closer than most mothers and sons. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I coddled or favored him. At this point, I may never know.
He has slipped away from me over time. I likened this to him growing up, becoming an adult, moving on. I never realized how far away he was slipping - after all he just moved back in a month ago. He wanted to straighten out his life, get a better job, etc. I was more than happy to give him the rent-free leg up that he needed.
But things were different. He was different. Distant. Preachy toward his younger siblings. Don't get me wrong, when his younger brother was in the hospital a month ago, he was the one I called on for support. He has always been there for his mom. And vice versa. Or so I thought.
It is now his hospital bed I sit next to. He made two attempts on his life in the past week and now I am having him committed. What have I done? What will I do? What will he do?
It started off calmly enough. Just some sleeping pills. He said he wanted to sleep, but then I found out that he took 24 of the damned things. That is more than just wanting to sleep. Then, on his 25th birthday, he took an untold amount of antidepressants. He washed them down with whiskey and then tried to top it all off with a nice gash to his wrist.
I really don't know how I stopped him, a guardian angel perhaps? I followed him, wrestled the knife from his hand, and then drove him to the emergency room (we live in the country and ambulance service is a joke). When I got him to the hospital, I had to literally carry him in. He had nearly stopped breathing. I have never seen an ER response like that in real life before - only on television. They truly and simply saved his life.
He has been here at the hospital under 24 hour survellience since Sunday night. I go home to sleep and spend the rest of my time here by his bed. Trying to figure out where he/we/I went wrong and what to do about it. Will a stay at a psychaitric hospital "fix" him? I don't know.
He is wicked smart and uses that to manipulate people. I have spent the past two days in an exhaustive dance trying to outthink and outflank him. Making sure he didn't pull his IV's or try to escape.
When he talked to me about his desire to end his life, he was so matter-of-fact about it. I am unhappy, the only way I can be happy is to stop this. I have made too many mistakes. I am a 25-year old living in his mother's basement.
I tried to make it better by telling him that he can make the next, right choice. It is never too late to start over. You have so much potential, we just need to find what makes you happy.
But do I believe it? Sure, I am managing my weight for right now, but it managed me for a VERY long time. Am I managing my life? Or is life just managing me?
He is angry with me. I understand that even though I disagree with him. I am selfish. I want him in my life. I want him to be the person he is destined to be.
How can I help him find his way? How can I help him see that yes, there are some really boring, mundane, and nearly useless parts of your life. Sometimes for days and weeks on end. But there are those brief, glorious moments that make the mundane nothing but a distant memory.
I have a lot of work ahead of me as I try to help my son. I need to ensure that I don't lose track of my other two wonderful children in the process of helping their brother. I see lots of counseling for all of us on the horizon. I will be reaching out on many levels for support as we try to bring him back.
And I will pray. I will pray that I haven't lost him forever. I will pray that he sees the light and the good that his presence in our lives brings. I will pray that he buries me, and not I, him. Oh Lord, will I pray.
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 March 2013:
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1507 kcal
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Fat: 70.37g | Prot: 42.69g | Carb: 182.99g.
Breakfast: Instant Oatmeal - Apples & Cinnamon, Milk (Nonfat), Stevia Extract in the Raw, Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee. Lunch: Old World Veggie Pizza, Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables. Dinner: Wild Fries (Small), Mushroom & Swiss Burger. Snacks/Other: Reduced Fat Original Potato Crisps. more...
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2731 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 4 hours, Resting - 4 hours and 30 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Sleeping - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Driving - 3 hours, Desk Work - 4 hours. more...
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