RiverRes's Journal, 29 March 2013

I think I have engaged in at least five of the seven deadly sins in the past 7 days. Gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.

Gluttony. I overate the past two days in an attempt to fill the hole in my heart and my soul. I knew exactly what I was doing with every bite and I just didn't care. There is healthy food in the house and I rejected all of it. I reached past the fresh fruit and vegetables and took the things that brought me solace in the past. It was as if the past six months never happened. It is distressing.

Sloth. I have kept up with my work obligations and I am militant about making the 2 hour trek to visit my son in the hospital for the one hour of visitation they allow every day. But, my house is a mess. Dishes in the sink, floor needs to be vacuumed, clothes washed and folded. And I have been watching TV. It provides an escape and there are plenty of shows on daytime TV that make me feel as though I am the normal person. I have made plans today to change that, but I am worried that I won't follow through.

Wrath. Woe are the people that contributed to my son's demise. His father that lives in another state and called him a &%$#ing piece of $&@% on his 25th birthday just before my son tried to end it all? If he even tries to contact his son without permission, I will seek a restraining order. His half brother who called him out and trashed him on Facebook (God, I hate Facebook!!!) just hours after his attempt? Same thing for him. Violate the restraining order I slap on you and go to jail. Assholes one and all. I have never been more validated in removing myself and my son from the clutches of such a terrible group of people.

Envy and Pride. Kind of redundant at this point, huh? I have the worst case of "why me?" ever. I wish this had never happened. I wish I was handling it better. But I am not. I am lashing out. I am angry. I am consumed with guilt and self-loathing. I am concentrating on all the wrong things. I am lost.

OK. Pity party. Party of one. Or is it two? Or four? This has affected all of us. My younger son's headaches are back with a vengeance. My daughter stayed home for three days vomiting from stress.

I pray that they are able to help my son find reasons to live. I hope he is not playing a game that will lead to him being released just so he can try it again. And be successful. He is brilliant (IQ >150) and I sometimes think he is testing me, them, everyone. How can I trust? How can I help him move on?

OK. Return to my strengths. Gather information, plan, execute. Baby steps. One day at a time. I hope to return a portion of my brain to self focus and taking care of me and my weight, but for right now it is all I can do to keep moving and taking care of the essentials for my family.


Diet Calendar Entries for 29 March 2013:
1780 kcal Fat: 71.20g | Prot: 71.87g | Carb: 215.50g.   Breakfast: Milk (Nonfat), Chili's Pepper Pals Cheese Pizza, Sugar in the Raw Stevia Extract in the Raw, Folgers Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee. Lunch: Healthy Choice Sweet and Sour Chicken. Dinner: Noodles & Company Whole Grain Tuscan Linguine (Regular). more...
2795 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Housework - 3 hours, Sleeping - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Desk Work - 5 hours. more...
on diet Ornish Diet  

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Comments 
i will pray for and your family  
29 Mar 13 by member: Bogarton
You are doing the best you can during an unbearable time, so go ahead & sin for now. Just keep taking care of yourself & your family as best you can in the ways that feel right. Take it one day at a time, or one meal or one moment or one bite or one emotion. And, keep journaling -- it is so therapeutic. Know we are here for you, praying for you all & sending you love & hugs through our computers. xoxox 
29 Mar 13 by member: Ruhu
You're handling it much better than I would ~ so I guess I just committed envy. My wrath on those causing him pain would have been far worse than a threat so there's two more for me as I would probably take Pride in mortally wounding anyone who threatened the safety and happiness of my children. Gluttony? Good grief - I plowed through girl scout cookies the other night just because I was feeling 'weird' - I can't even imagine what I would do in your shoes right now. Sloth? My house would be a mess and I'd be on family leave. You are handling this far better than anything I could imagine. Please love yourself more. No sin in that. 
29 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
I'm so sorry to hear about your family's situation. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you all. When all is too much and you are going through overwhelming times, it may help you to go into auto-pilot with the things you can control. Just clean the sink today, then tackle the next house to - do tomorrow. It may give you a sense of control and take your mind off the stress for a bit of time. I hope you have family and friends who will support you and of course you have many FS friends who care.  
29 Mar 13 by member: Josie Ann
Don't be so hard on yourself, this is such a difficult time and I think any mother would want to kill someone for kicking their child when they are down. Especially when its family where you would expect there to be more support and encouragement. I hope you can find a good counseller for your son to help him through his diffculties. 
29 Mar 13 by member: fatoldlady
You can do this. I know you are strong, just try to focus and eat healthy. If it isn't perfect don't blame yourself, It is just a day. HUG 
29 Mar 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic

     
 

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