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24 May 2013

Weigh-in: 193.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 23.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet RiverRes's own diet   steady weight

21 May 2013

Day 2 of the Curves program. I only get 1200 calories a day for this first week. Thank goodness for FS - it is so much easier to use than the Curves website. I absolutely refuse to eat some of the things on their plan - and FS helps me substitute food very easily. I just print my daily food entries and take that to my coach at Curves.

I didn't join Curves for the food program, I joined for the 1/2 hour daily workouts. My walking buddy joined - I know we will help each other; we walked every day at lunch for over a year. I am hoping that the next six months at Curves will get me to my goal weight - it is the first time I have joined a fitness club/gym/whatever since I was 21. If I do their circuits and walk a reasonable amount, it can only help.

I have been cutting back on my job. I need to focus on my family and our needs for a while and so work loses out. I am not sacrificing myself this time and that is why Curves is a good choice. My oldest son continues to improve. He is working and seeing a psychologist every week.

I will hear from the doctor on some referrals for my younger son with headaches. I will be taking him to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The mind is so complicated and when you factor in all the stuff we have been through in the past two years, I can't believe I haven't pursued it before. I didn't tie the headaches to the stress he was feeling and so I hope that talking out his feelings and working on his mental wellbeing will diminish the headaches.

I will also see about getting my daughter in with a psychologist. I had the opportunity to talk to her about what causes her stomach issues and I think it is her way of expressing how stressed she is. Funny how we got a stress causing person out of our lives and now all of us are struggling. I guess that is what PTSD is - you live in a hyper aware state for years and then it is gone. You are safe, but you are left with the all of the baggage, all of the pent up emotions that you were afraid to show.

Of course, my coping mechanism is what has put me on this site. Food was my friend; it never rejected me. Even tonight, I had to resist a snack. I am full from dinner, almost too full; and yet I just cruised the kitchen looking for a snack/reward for an emotionally exhausting day. Thank goodness for Bella: "I am not a dog, I will NOT reward myself with a treat!"

Thanks FS and have a good night!

17 May 2013

Weigh-in: 193.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 23.0 lb Diet followed N/A

17 May 2013

I took a break from logging and journaling at Fat Secret in the hopes that focusing my energies elsewhere would have some positive results. I found myself focusing on everything that was wrong in my life and using the forum here to vent and get through some very tough times. I thought that I needed to take the time that I was spending here and use it for other things.

I miss this. I miss my buddies. I need the structure that this site offers. I need to log my food to be held accountable. The only positive thing I have done by taking a break is watch my weight numbers go up positively.

So, I am back. I will take the time to log my food and journal. I joined Curves with my best friend at work so that we can work out immediately following our work day. I need to spend a week at 1200 calories (totally doable as I know from being here) and then 1500 calories a day from there. I had stopped working out in February and the ciruit training at Curves for a half hour session is really easy to fit into my day. I also leave work after 9 1/2 hours, cheerfully wave to my co-workers and say "I am going to work out!" Totally worth it. About time.

My children are very important to me and I thought that being more available to them was the solution to everything they are going through. Hindsight tells me that things work out in their own time.

My daughter and I are going to a home jewelry party tonight - just a way to get away and visit with family and friends. She is doing well, studying for her driver's permit and is working through the last month of school.

My younger son continues to battle migraines. 2 1/2 months with the latest migraine. I took him 50 miles to the Children's hospital emergency room last week and they hooked him up to the intravenous headache cocktail which started to help break the pain, but then they sent him home and it roared right back. He has missed another 2 1/2 weeks of school, but I got the neurology department to write a letter to the school so that we can explore alternative school programs. Classes that are self-paced and aren't attendance based would be ideal.

My older son had successful surgery on his hand last week (to remove a tumor) and started a job on Monday. Reputable company and a job that he likes. Win win. I hope that this position works out and that he continues to excel and build his self confidence and self worth.

Me. Busy. I have some perennials to plant, the lawn needs to be mowed (how did all of my kids end up with grass allergies??), and I get to play sprinkler roulette tomorrow as I turn on my sprinkler system for the first time for the season. Last year's sprinkler turn on cost me and I dread it since plumbing is not my specialty by any stretch of the imagination. I also am chairing my workplace Relay for Life team, organizing our sponsorship of the local county fair, and working about 65 hours a week. I had a meeting with my boss early this week to hire someone to help. We are losing a technician at the beginning of June and they have yet to authorize a replacement for her position. Completely unacceptable. My dad fell two weeks ago and we are struggling as a family to keep them in their own home. Unpleasant decisions in our future.

Thanks Fat Secret for the ability to journal and thanks to all of its members for providing such a safe and positive envionment for working on our goals in weight loss. Thanks to all my buddies who have kept me engaged in this site through the notifications tool.

Have a good day! Off to work!
Weigh-in: 193.0 lb lost so far: 44.0 lb still to go: 23.0 lb Diet followed N/A
   (3 comments) on diet Ornish Diet  

28 April 2013

Holy bouncing stress balls, Batman, has it really been eight months?

Why yes, it has been. Eight months of logging everything I eat. Trying to pay attention to what my body is saying - how it is reacting to food, activity, and stress. Experimenting with excercise, calorie restrictions, food balance, and everything for weight loss. Trying to find meaning and value in taking care of myself so that I can take care of others. It hasn't been easy. I have stalled. I have failed -utterly - for weeks at a time. But I logged it. I evaluated it. I learned from it.

In my past, I lived an unenviable life - I was married to an abusive, alcoholic husband. My children suffered alongside me and I was overwhelmed with personal guilt and self loathing. Our only escape was the weekend trips to care for my aging parents (also accompanied by a trip to a fast food restaurant as a reward for the kids). Before, daily stress caused me to give myself a "little treat", usually a piece of candy or some other food, for the things I was able to accomplish.

So, I got rid of the husband. I became accountable to my children and got involved in therapy for them and for me. I continue to care for my parents, but my responsibilites in caring for them has changed. I took care of the final item left from the divorce - I am now the sole owner of my home. I closed last Wednesday. And I am approaching 50 pounds lost and 50 years of age.

There are lingering effects from my past that continue to plague me and my children. The effects of my former marriage on the kids are profound and each copes in their way - or do they? My oldest son continues to struggle and is convinced he is a psychopath. No job yet, and he has shown little/no effort toward attending school. He has surgey on his hand in a week to remove a tumor that has been growing for nearly a year. It is troublesome and causes him pain. My middle son lives with headache pain every day. He overachieves. He is going to nationals for FBLA, is pursuing being a state officer next year and a national officer his senior year of high school. My youngest, my daughter, probably has ulcers. She has stomach pain and reacts very poorly to stress. She lives in the shadow of her brothers who are both larger than life characters.

Wow. That was weird to type. Very astute, but painful. It is hard to take the things that I think and write them down when they hurt so badly. I want to help my children, but I don't know how. My attempts to lose weight seem so superficial when I am looking into their faces and see the pain they have in their eyes.

So, where do I go from here? Thank God for Ruhu's daily reminder to pray the Serenity Prayer. I find I can only handle one hour at a time right now. When I think I have had enough, something else rears its ugly head. I have become resentful of the phrase, "God doesn't give you what you can't handle". I think it happens - you are sometimes tested past your limits.

The cheerleader in me tells me to soldier on - set new goals, concentrate on doing what you can, reach out and share. The pessimist in me asks, why? What has it done for you so far? I am worried that we are in a worse place than when my ex left. At least in him we found that one thing we could rally around and support each other in the midst of terror. Without him, we don't have that commonality of just trying to get through today and wake up tomorrow.

So, I do things that I can comfortably do. I have changed what I wear (thanks to my daughter) and that helps the external parts that the world sees. I have tabled my serious attempts at weight loss for the time being, choosing instead to just not fall back into old habits that lead to self sabotage. I will log my food and work at increasing my movement. Keeping it real and simple. I think I can handle that. The biggest thing I am working on is my family. That is where the need is the greatest.

Good luck Fat Secret buddies. This is my last journal for a while. They are too painful to type. I look forward to re-joining you in the future.
Weigh-in: 189.2 lb lost so far: 47.8 lb still to go: 19.2 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) on diet Ornish Diet   losing 0.2 lb a week

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