kingkeld's Journal, 21 January 2014

Good morning.

It's still rough to be the King.

I'm STILL no sleeping right. I'm still stressing massively. It's continuously getting worse, and I can tell how it's affecting me.

Obviously, it's harder to eat right. I'm not doing all that bad, but I'm not great either.

The fast day yesterday went out the window. I ended up justifying to myself that it was okay to have a bunch of protein bars. I didn't exceed my RDI, but I went close to the max, and this is not what was supposed to happen.

It's ok, though. No actual damage done.

What worries me more in it is that I see that I have a HARD time moving as I normally do. I am much less active, and this is not good. It's clearly a "side effect" from the stress. I don't feel motivated like I normally do, and I just wanna sit and be left alone.

I still stand up all day at work. I do get that extra calorie burn.

I wanted to walk yesterday morning, but I just couldn't get myself to go. I know why, too.

My walk ends up with me going to work, and I don't want to go to work. Thus the walk turns sour. It becomes a full hour of convincing myself to go to work.

I called the doctor yesterday, and set up an appointment. I need some help with all this mess.

I also called upon my union. They're pretty pissed off about the whole thing. The way my boss has handled my return after a month and a half out on sick leave is NOT popular with them.

...

I'm still not sleeping right, and I wake up tired. Today's gonna be a long day. LONG day.

I took the medicine that doc prescribed, and it does help. I don't feel that I wake up through the night, but I don't feel rested at all when I wake up. It sucks.

...

I'm thinking more and more about getting out of that damn job. No matter what, it's tainted now. I have zero motivation, and zero interest in it. I can't just up and quit it though, as it's our finiancial foundation. I need to find out something else though - which is hard right now.

I wish I had a way to just go do my own company. Start up. Get going. But I need the financial stability of it before I can do such a thing. It takes quite a bit of clients to live off of it, and I'm not 100% there yet.

I'm working on it though.

...

Anyways, enough b**chfest. Happy mode, Keld. Happy mode.

...

Today, I WILL get my steps in. I WILL get my calorie burn up. I'm even considering if I should go work out, even if it is NOT my usual day. I worked out Sunday, so it would be fine going on a Tuesday, there is no problem in this. It's mostly a matter of just doing it.

I do want my walk. It's gonna be at least five kilometers.

Also, though work today I have a meeting at the other side of town, about 1½ kilometers away. This will give me an extra three kilometers, and about 3800 steps. It's all good. I want this.

I will try to focus on better food choices. I don't have lunch, so lunch has to be from a restaurant, and I will probably go with one of the pitas that I like. They're really not bad at all, as long as I have the calories to spare. I do have the calories to spare.

A pita with kebab (lamb) meat is about 700 calories. I can save a couple of hundred calories if I substitute the kebab with ham or chicken, but it doesn't taste as good. So, I'll probably stick with the 700 calorie hit.

It's basically about 150g of meat, some lettuce and tomato, and a 150g wholewheat pita. There's nothing really bad in it at all, as long as it's all counted.

Dinner will be pork, breaded in corn flour, and baked. Sides are gonna be mixed veggies. Generally, it's a good food day.

I will need to add some protein on top of this. I will probably lean towards shakes today, to keep the calorie intake down a notch.

...

The trends in my weigh-ins are starting to scare me a bit. I understand that the stress is affecting things massively, but I do not need the added stress of my weight going nuts.

Today, for the first time since I started recording my numbers in my new system, I have a body fat % of 13.

I hope it's a fluke, but it probably isn't. It was supposed to go the other way.

I have nine days left of trying what I'm trying now, and then we'll have to see what I can change. I'm still not gonna change anything right now. Ride it out, see the result. If the results are bad, then fix them. Simple as that.

I do think that the solution will be that I lower the factor for how my my calorie burn actually counts. If I lower this number, then it'll lower my RDI for me, I'll consume fewer calories, and I should lose a little of the weight I have gained the last week or two.

It's all a matter of finding that level where it all works out.

If I go to IIFYM.com and enter today's numbers, then it suggests 2700 calories to maintain my body stats as they are. 187g of protein, 67g of fat, and 304g of carbs. If I enter "weight loss", I should go with 2300 and about 250g of carbs instead of 304.

They're good pointers. It's not at all far from what I've been doing, but obviously what has changed the game RIGHT NOW is my crazy calories weekend. I went WAY above what is reasonable, and right now I'm paying for it. No regrets though. I just gotta fix it, and I'm doing that every day, nice and slow.

...

Being in weight maintenance mode can be a scary thing.

I'm TERRIFIED of the weight creeping back on. Last time I had surgery, I eventually ended up at 95 kilos. I do NOT want that to happen, so I get very anxious seeing the 85 kilo weigh-ins.

85 kilos is the absolute MAX I will tolerate. I do not want to go higher.

The mission has to - HAS TO - be to stay lower, unless I see an increase in muscle mass, and I can't exactly say that I see this happening today.

I'm not retaining water either. I'm retaining fat. :/

...

I do think my system works though. I do think that my calculations will ween be back to where I'm supposed to be. That's the idea, at least. Supposedly it will just nudge me to the right place again, and I will live happily ever after.

The tricky thing is that while I am expecting to see lower calorie numbers, based on the fact that I "owe" something like 4,000 calories to my system, I don't really see a change, becase I have also moved more and eaten less over the last month in general.

So the big question is of course if there are errors in my calculations, if it is just some "here-and-now"-fluctuations (I'm leaning towards this one, as the binge was two days ago), or if maybe all the stress is making my body act up?

I know that stress is a MAJOR play factor in all of this. I've never had stress like I have now. I have never been hit this hard. So I don't know how I react, and I REALLY don't know how my body takes it in, in regards to weight. I have no way of knowing.

...

And... let's not forget that I am down 0.8 kilo since yesterday. The weight is heading in the right direction, which ALSO make the body fat percentage rise. It's going up high, and there can be several factors that affect this. It's not ALL just body fat, it's also (I think) related to how much food is processing in your body. What did I eat over the last week?

Well, several pizzas are definitely gonna affect things. Not only are they huge and heavy meals, but they take time for my body to "get rid of" again. It's not something that happens in just a day or two. I have seen it take a week, even 10 days before. Patience, Keld. Patience.

...

So, keep on truckin'. Follow the system. Don't change a damn thing. Not until February 1st, as I have promised myself. Make adjustments once a month, unless I see the trend going REALLY haywire. This isn't haywire. This is more like "slow progress in the wrong direction, but nothing that can't be fixed".

Come February 1st, I will take a good look at the numbers again, and adjust from there.

...

Today, I have nothing going on other than work.

I will go walk in a few minutes, and end up at the gym. I will probably do my workout, though I am not convinced. I am so sleepy, and it almost seems pointless. I don't feel that I have the strength and/or energy for it, but I might as well do it since I'm there.

Training day really isn't until tomorrow (Monday, Wednesday, Friday), but since I worked out Sunday and pushed it a day, I could justify going today. Maybe it would wake me up a bit.

It's always uplifting to go down there, so I will definitely go see what's going on, then evaluate. I will bring a bottle of BCAA, in case I decide to go for it.

...

Other than that, I have work, and then I go home. Wife and I will probably watch a little TV, and then I'm off to bed. I need sleep. As much as I can get.

...

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Wife. She's super supportive of me.

Even with all the s**t going on, life is still good. Never give up. Never surrender.
187.6 lb Lost so far: 154.1 lb.    Still to go: 0.2 lb.    Diet followed 100%.
on diet kingkeld's own diet   losing 10.8 lb a week

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Comments 
your last line really says it all Keld, keep on keeping on man. 
20 Jan 14 by member: Kingstephen
Wow Keld, sounds like a lot of rough stuff is happening for you right now. Hang in there my friend, and I hope everything starts turning out for the better. 
20 Jan 14 by member: slacker36
I love the fact that u are so honest.. Keep up the good work. You are a huuuuuuge inspiration to me.  
21 Jan 14 by member: gizmodeedee
Wow, sounds like there is a massive amount for you to deal with at the moment. Hope you find some resolution with your Union over work, and can begin to enjoy it again. Have you tried anything homeopathic to try and help you sleep - there are lots of herbal things that can assist - with little or no calorie impact. Some are helpful without even being ingested - lavender is remarkable. Helped me sleep when my mum died and my mind was a mess. 
21 Jan 14 by member: clairebuxton
Keld, firstly thanks for your comment on my journal yesterday. You are a big part of how I am losing weight :) Next, I understand that stress is brutal on your body, let alone your mind. I hope you can pull it together somehow. It doesn't take long for bad habits to become ingrained and you have worked so hard. I know you won't let that happen. I too wish you could open your own weight loss business and get out of the job you are in. Even if the union straightens some things out, the 'bosses' will hold it against you. Once things go sour, they don't tend to get that much better. Hopes and prayers for a quick exit, a new job, something to get you happy again.  
21 Jan 14 by member: sarahsmum
Keld, I empathize with your situation. I walked away from a job of 18 years because I knew that the stress was killing me. I felt much like you seem to. It was scary as h*ll. I'm generally one of those risk avoider types, but I knew that I had to make a change. So I just took the plunge. Gave them a month's notice and decided that I'd find something else to do. I took a job that paid half what my old job paid, but I only worked 25% of the hours. It was in a small town with no long commute to the big city. A year and half later, I bought the place. My stress level has bottomed out, my health has improved dramatically, and I can see myself going on for decades to come. I can't tell you what to do with your life, but if your job is as stressful as it seems to be, you really need to think hard about making a change, because, believe me, it will kill you. IMHO, no amount of pay is worth shortening your life.  
21 Jan 14 by member: TXSnowman
I agree with Snowman, no job is worth killing yourself over. I was in the same boat, got so sick i ended up in the hospital and realized that not only did the workplace continue without me, but the bosses didn't care that i was sick. I left and have never been happier. I took a pay cut; worth it everyday. Now i LIKE going to work each day. I'm not waking up dreading another day. Good luck with whatever you decide- we're behind you. 
21 Jan 14 by member: meg52675
Thanks for being so honest with your struggles. When you share your story, you remind so many of this that taking care of ourselves goes way beyond what we put in our mouths.  
21 Jan 14 by member: Joelmel
Sorry to hear about this, Keld. Nothing sucks more than a job that piles on the stress and that you want to avoid. I agree with your strategy of taking things one month at a time and reassessing things. I'm sure you will make the appriopriate adjustments in time. I also am crazy scared of the huge calorie availability of IIFYM. I am looking at going full force on that in February, but at the 'reckless' fat loss level. Even at that scary sounding amount of intake, it's a good 800 more calories a day than I currently eat! I'm not sure I will have the guts to give that an entire month to work out if I don't see what I want to see... hang in there, brother. We are supporting you, for what that is worth. You are making an impact around the globe! 
21 Jan 14 by member: Draglist
Keld - I'm so sorry to hear about this job situation. I am of the same thought as Snowman. I have had a few businesses myself. The first one I had saved 6 months of living expenses and then went for it with no other income to fall back on - I was in that business for almost 10 years. The second time I started a business, I went in debt and "hoped" that others would like my idea and I could make money. Well, that one did much better than expected - which I sold in 2013 and from which I just retired after 20 years. It may take some guts for you to do what you want to do, but that kind of stress is WAY WAY better than the kind of stress you are experiencing now. My heart goes out to you and your situation - the stress is killing you. If I can encourage you at all, start your business small and build it up as you can. You don't have to go gangbusters all at once. It seems you already have a nice clientele built up, imagine what would happen if all of your energy went towards the love you have for your business. The Sky is the limit my friend! As Draglist said - you are making an impact around the globe! 
21 Jan 14 by member: Lynn1958
Melatonin will not give you the day after hangover that prescription sleeping aids give you.  
21 Jan 14 by member: ClassicRocker
Read up on tart cherry juice. I hear this really helps with sleeping. Hope you get back to yourself again soon. 
21 Jan 14 by member: iamachristianjesusfreak
Hi, I'm sorry you're so stressed with your work. And stress will cause the lack of sleep and lack of energy. But when I first read your journal the thought the popped in my mind was 'I wonder if something is wrong with your thyroid". My brother in law went through I period of not sleeping, stress and lack of energy and it turned out that it was his thyroid. But you do have right attitude and that's keep going and never surrender! 
21 Jan 14 by member: aggie95
Rescue Remedy Sleep (homeopathic medicine) will knock you out. Take it hours before bed. If you don't you will be too drowsy in the morning to get up. Best of luck with the job situation.  
21 Jan 14 by member: GlennM
I have found that powdered magnesium ( I use Natures'.s Calm) in a hot cup of water, really helps stress. It's a natural relaxed. Might take a few days to really get in your system, and you can gradually up the amount. 
21 Jan 14 by member: learning coach
Ah buddy ... Sounds like rough times. I've been gone a long time. You've got this. Hang in there. The last line in your journal really does say it all. Be good to you and remember the only control you have is over you. Take care.  
21 Jan 14 by member: madaboutmoose
Melatonin, found in the vitamin section, is a natural sleep aid. It gets you sleepy, but is not something that will keep you asleep. Four 3mg tabs oughtta do you in. Sorry you are going through a rough patch. Find joy in the simple things. I know, easier said than done.  
23 Jan 14 by member: Dipityday
Start out slow with Melatonin. 12 mg. might knock you out too much. Start with 1 mg. and work up a bit.  
23 Jan 14 by member: GlennM

     
 

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