HerStrawberri's Journal, 29 July 2011

**emotional break down ahead**


I just had the most horrible experience at Kohls. Well, horrible to ME anyway. My P is out of town for work until tomorrow so I kept the truck so i could go shopping. Sounds fun, right? Unlimited access to the cash flow and no one around telling me ' baby, we don't really need that'. SOooo, I'm alllll hyped to go. I get there, and what is the first thing I see? My big ass in one of those freaking pillar mirrors. Ok, well....I'm big and I know this so I move on. Well, i swear the pillars are following me. I'm seeing myself in every freaking area I go. So of course I start getting really self conscious and start looking around to see if people are looking at the big fat fatty walking around. I felt like everyone was laughing at me. It was so terrible. I'm not even sure why I do this to myself. I was alone. I was ready to cry. So I just left. I had all these 20% off coupons on top of power hour specials. I was going to do some major damage. =( So now I'm home. I feel so stupid. I really thought i was getting a handle on things. Maybe I am. But not today. I started crying on the drive back to my house. Sometimes it just feels like it's never enough. I just want to be that hot girl I used to be. I want to be like 'screw you pillar mirror...I look GOOD'.

I know it takes time. i KNOW THIS. I didn't gain 200 lbs in a week. i can't loose it in a week. Sometimes, it literally hurts when I look into the mirror. I'm sure all of this is residual PMS or sadness due to my P is gone AGAIN and we haven't really seen alot of each other.

It just freaking hurts bad sometimes. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm the reason I got so freaking fat.

Blah. Bad night ahead. =(

Diet Calendar Entries for 29 July 2011:
1343 kcal Fat: 82.91g | Prot: 113.62g | Carb: 33.16g.   Breakfast: Turkey Sausage Patties, Egg. Lunch: Mayonnaise, Heinz Ketchup, 93% lean ground beef. Dinner: 93% lean ground beef, Mayonnaise, Heinz Ketchup. Snacks/Other: Slim-a-Bear No Sugar Added Bars - Krunch. more...
3503 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
First... fuck those mirrors... seriously they make skinny ppl look horrible - Trust me I have a friend that is a twig and she looks horrible in the pillar mirrors... second.. you are more than the meat suit you wear my dear... I am sure if you P was with you she would have reassured you that you are beautiful person... but being as she isn't Ms.Negative Dawn took over... but you are a beautiful person.. if someone was staring at you thinking you were big fat fatty... screw em... they are are full on douche nozzel... seriously girl you have done an amazing job... and you will get down, and you will start feeling better about yourself.. you just need to work on kicking Ms. Negative in your head back every time she appears (its hard I know) what helps me... and this may sound bad but I seriously look in the mirror everymorning and say... You... girl in the mirror... you are awesome... it sounds dumb but it works.. ~hugs~ try not to think about it too much hun. 
29 Jul 11 by member: pixidaisy
Thank you so much Pixi! You are SO right. I leave myself notes on the mirror and stuff saying positive things and usually it works. i have to make new ones because I ripped them up when i got home. LOL. Thank you so much! You are right about my P, if she was here she wouldn't of let me go into a negitive spiral like that. I'm ok now. It helped getting it out of me and putting it into my journal. Your 'douche nozzle' comment made me LOL. =) i need to focus on my progress NOT on how far I still have to go.  
29 Jul 11 by member: HerStrawberri
I get how hard it is to not focus on the bad things (god do I get it) but there are so many good things you can focus on like how far you have come.. how much progress you have made, changes you know are there. I have seen your pic you are beautiful... but I have read more in your journals and you really are a beautiful person inside and out... so no more negativity.. I have a quote at home that I will find later and I will post it for you..it is the one thing that I truely live by now! and make new stickies with new positive things on them.. 
29 Jul 11 by member: pixidaisy
It IS really hard. Especially when that's what you have done basically your whole life. i try so hard every day to stay motivated and focused and try to help and motivate others...I really have become happy with that. Today was the first time in a while I let the dark place really take over my mind. LOL. Thank you so much for your kind words. Hey, aren't you supposed to be rockin out with Slayer and Rob Zombie tonight? Have fun girl! I think Rob Zombie is the COOLEST. =) I look forward to the quote! I L-O-V-E quotes. i always post them on my FB page. =) 
29 Jul 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Minor setback. Pixi said it all and well. You are a beautiful soul coming out of a shell made of past sorrows. Shed it and be free. ♥ 
29 Jul 11 by member: nolechick
i'm hugging you in my brain {hug} Things will get better and fight this then. Sometimes life does get the better of you and thats ok. Just dont(try) to not let it overcome you. I'm f'in psycho my girl tells me i need to relax all the time but i can't help but tied up over the littlest things because i knew how they used to be. Hope things get better. Maybe you could put on a funny hat to distract you and make you smile when you pass the mirror. Ok maybe thats just something i would do.... but it'd be fun! 
29 Jul 11 by member: Ninjapanda
I know what you mean. It's hard to look in the mirror & hate what you see. Gotta be honest, I don't love what I see in the mirror every day & I've lost seventy-two effen pounds. But most days, I am accepting of what I see & that's good enough, because I have the wherewithall to remind myself that it's way better than where I used to be. Some days, I'm in the shower & I hate that I still have so much flab & fat & I hate the way I look in my clothes & I get frustrated just like you. Fortunately those days aren't very frequent. Other days, I'll put on something I couldn't wear before, or didn't look as flattering before, & feel skinny & beautiful & sexy all day long. Those days are even less frequent...but they are awesome enough to make the rest of it all worth it. It's ok to have days you just get through. Tomorrow is a new day, darling. :) 
30 Jul 11 by member: kstubblefield
Thank you all so much! I feel better today. i talked to my P last night and she made me laugh about it. I know I shouldn't depend on others to make me feel better about myself and it's something that need to comes from inside me....but it still made me feel better. i have become way to dependnant on her and I know this about myself. I'm working on it. @Sue~ Thank you so much! I loved what you said. Short and sweet. Thank you!! @Panda~ Thanks girl! I like the hat idea! =) I'm gonna flip the mirror off the next time I'm there. Thank you for your comment! @Kat~ I HAVE to learn how to accept what I look like right now. I don't look like I did 3 months ago and won't look like this 3 months from now. It's hard though. I'm hoping I have more days like your good days. =) Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. THANK YOU ALL!  
30 Jul 11 by member: HerStrawberri
:) 
30 Jul 11 by member: nolechick
hugs! Know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that when God created you, he knew you before anyone else, and you are perfect. Life is tough, and people are so mean, but at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself daily. Shake off the negative, and enjoy your life. You only get one, to make mistakes and learn and become better. When all this is over, you are going to be a wise woman to be reckoned with. The journey is long, but that's the important part. Enjoy your journey and know that you are inspiring others like me. ** hugs ** 
30 Jul 11 by member: jalliebaby
Thank you so much Jallie! I'm inspired every day by everyone on this site. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a comment. =) 
30 Jul 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Man, Dawn, your experience at Kolhs is kind of how I feel when I attempt to ride my bike around the neighborhood. I get so paranoid that everyone is watching and laughing. We can overcome this, I know we can!  
30 Jul 11 by member: angie_rose10
Yes we will Angie! YOU can overcome your bike paranoia! I'm going BACK to Kohls tomorrow determined to shop. LOL. and you CAN get on that bike. You can do it girl! Small steps. =)  
30 Jul 11 by member: HerStrawberri
"You are doing the hard work it takes to make me healthier, happier, and stronger on the inside! Thank you!!!" - (now, look in the mirror, at home and at Kohl's... and repeat this to yourself over and over! Make friends w/ that lady staring back at you... love her enough to compliment her and her efforts... she is on your side! Much Love. 
30 Jul 11 by member: jsfantome
Dawn, love @Panda's hat idea. Isn't it crazy how we don't really look at the mirrors until we're trying to lose the weight and then, it upsets us. Like Paula said, you ARE doing it! Remind yourself and don't look at the mirrors.  
31 Jul 11 by member: Helewis
I second what everyone already said! This comes from a woman who only owned mirrors that showed her face and nothing else until a couple months ago. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror but I bought one just for the sake of having something I can look at and say ok.. this is where I'm at but not where I'm going to stay. Then I stick my tongue out at myself and walk away even more determined. Although.. when people catch you sticking your tongue out at your own reflection they look at you like you might be slightly off. 
01 Aug 11 by member: liltatgirl
Hang in there - I hate clothes shopping, I always feel like the mirrors in the changing room make me look my worst! But everytime you can buy new clothes that are smaller than your old clothes, you are winning! 
01 Aug 11 by member: HeatherKM

     
 

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