Snowwhite100's Journal, 27 September 2020

I took my husband to the hospital a couple of hours ago. Since it is the middle of the night right now, there is no one to call. I can't imagine if I will be able to sleep. He was having trouble breathing or catching his breath even when on oxygen. I would guess it is his heart, and I don't know if I will ever see him again. Of course, they wouldn't let me in. It is the 5th time he has been in the hospital in a year. In the last couple of months, he often feels the need for oxygen even when his oxygen saturation is nice and high. He told me tonight he felt a big shock or thump in his heart yesterday.
He is 84 years old, we have been married for 59 years, and he has heart failure and COPD among many other problems. I am strangely calm but shaky. He has been on borrowed time for a long time. I thank the Lord continually for leaving him with me for so long.
My last words to him were asking him to accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. He said he did. It really is no comfort to me since he has been saying that for years while denying God, and saying things like Buddha is just as good as Jesus. He says all kinds of negative things about the Lord and hasn't wanted anything to do with Christianity.
I have done the best I can. We can't force others, only love them. If I had been a better Christian, I would have been a better wife and mother. In many ways, I have lived (almost) a wasted life, and even though I believe I will go to heaven, I will have to answer to God for every empty word and deed. Thank you, Lord, that you died for my sins, and that I will go to be with you for eternity since I accepted you as my Lord and Savior. If my husband dies I will never know if he did this recently. He is such a proud and arrogant man that I always figured he wouldn't tell me if he ever really did it. He always wanted his own way in life. Don't we all? Dying to self is the hardest thing we do. I am still very stubborn and unsubmissive. My constant task is to forgive him for his harsh treatment of me. I have many faults myself, so even though I try to be very good to him, I am hard to live with.
About eating I have been binging for some time but am only a couple of pounds higher than my last weigh-in. Tonight is Yom Kippur and although I am not Jewish I have been planning to follow the traditional fast from sundown to tomorrow sundown. I usually do about 16 hours of intermittent fasting daily, so that is what has kept my weight almost in control. Fasting more than about 18 hours is usually very hard for me: getting quite shaky, etc. I hope I can stop my binging after tomorrow's fast. Unless the hospital or a doctor calls early I won't leave the house to go to church. If anyone reads this and you are a praying person, I covet your prayers for my husband and myself. Thank you.