I've never put up an image of myself before. This picture is about 4 years old, perhaps even 5 now. I guess I didn't want my daughter to find me, but recently I told her most of what is going on in my life. She asked me once what my user name was, and I blurted it out, but without the 100. I have mentioned on FS a couple of harsh things that she has said to me. I may or may not take them out. They are certainly true. Probably I am too thin-skinned. I don't know if she is right when she criticizes me. I don't know much of anything anymore.
The relationship with my husband is hard. He is angry a lot of the time and lashes out. It's been years since I have shut down emotionally this much. For five weeks: he barely speaks to me, does not touch me, kiss me, hold hands, or say anything sweet. You young ones (and some not so young) here will speak harshly and tell me I should leave (as you said before). I am 78 years old and have a bad back. Should I really leave my home? He won't. He needs help, and he has me do most of the driving now, since last fall, when he almost died in September, and then had the TIA's (mini-strokes) in October and November. Besides I want to finish my course with honor. He has many health problems plus memory loss, and probably can't live without me. Fifty-eight years ago I promised, “for better or worse”. There's all kinds of worse. This isn't the worst of the worst. If I died, our daughter (who has stage 4 cancer) and her husband would come and clean out the house, sell it, and move him (unwillingly) to Arizona. I want to die, I just don't want pain before.
Maybe I brought it on myself. One of the things he “has” shared is that he says I called him a liar. I sure don't remember that and keep telling him that and apologized if I had, but he keeps bringing it up. It's true that I believe he would have no compunction in lying to me.
He told me 5 weeks ago “SHUT UP YOUR F---ING MOUTH. DON'T EVEN OPEN YOUR MOUTH.” So I've tried not to. I'm trying not to be a martyr, and I freely speak about household goings-on. But I try to not chit chat. Sometimes I say good morning, the rest of the time I wave. I told him the other day, I was trying to submit to him (dirty word for most young people) and he said I have never submitted to anyone my whole life, and that I do exactly what I want to do. In one way of thinking I guess it is correct that mostly we do what we want. I am choosing to try to be kind and to submit. I'm not sure I forgive “good enough”. I choose to and want to submit to God, but I don't know if I do it good enough. I don't know the wrongness of my heart. I am in a quandary about Biblical submission. Actually it's worse than a quandary. I am obsessing on it. He would say I am playing games.
The more he watches hard porn the more I become ashamed of letting him see my old body. Just last night at dinner he took ice cream away from me, and asked how much weight have I gained. Yes, I have gained 20 pounds, and now am at the grand total of 125. I had related here before that a year ago when I weighed 118 he told me I was fat, and at 113 he said I was letting myself go.
I can't compare with all the young bodies he spends his time watching. I got tired of walking in on it, but a year ago or so I decided not to say anything about it ever again. But I guess 5 weeks ago after he repeatedly hurt me emotionally, when I saw he watched it all day: morning, afternoon, and evening, I said he was committing adultery in his heart, and that he “made his choice”. We haven't talked about it since, but then we hardly talk. He doesn't tell me when he takes the car and leaves, or when he goes to bed at night. He has not approached me since then. After 5 weeks, my stance has soften, but he's just angry at me most of the time.
A couple of years ago, he told me I was using too much water, and our water bills are very high. We have a lot of roses and a water conditioner. Plus I think he wastes a lot of water. So I started trying to take only one shower a week and using wet wipes most of the rest of the time. Maybe that “is” playing games because he didn't tell me to do that. I don't even know. I'm so confused when we are supposed to do our husbands good. I don't use the dishwasher any more and did other radical things to save water. About 6 months ago when I mentioned the one shower a week, he said: “You should take two showers a week”. Now that is direct instruction, and I tried to follow it, and did, about 98% of the time. Well, maybe 90 to 95% in the summer. I know this sounds so compulsive, but I'm really trying here. A couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it, he got furious and told me to take a shower whenever I want. Wow, I am going to accept that, even though it was said in anger.
Should I tell you the story of the last 6 weeks about the chiropractor? How “I” should find a cheaper one than our $30.00 co-pay when I said I would like to go also. (he's going: I guess I'm not worth it). Then saying “I” should find one closer to home so “I” don't use so much gas. This chiropractor is 1.2 miles farther than our regular one. Last week, we were ½ hour early, so he said for us to drive down into Hollywood to just drive around to waste time.
A couple of week ago I told my pastor about the porn and the shower thing and asked him about submission, because isn't it right to do what my husband directs me to (2x week shower). He asked if we had money problems, and I answered no. Then he said my husband must be cheap. Maybe I told him about the chiropractor (see below) or maybe I didn't. The pastor told me that I should ask my husband what I have done that offended him? I know most everything I do offends him.
There have been other things going on in the last 5 or 6 weeks and I will share more, probably just to get it off my chest, but that's more than enough for today. I keep making false starts to get on the straight and narrow again. I have mostly done intermittent fasting while I have been gone, otherwise, the damage would be worse. I'm hoping to at least weigh in and log my IF (intermittent fasting). I hat to start measuring everything again, but obviously he wants me to lose weight. But then, nothing ever satisfied him anyway. Yes, yes, you will say to do it for me. Yes, and my brain, which I still worry about. I just don't know if it's normal aging.
