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MIL has arrived.Diet has departed.
I am definitely an emotional eater because I have been overeating small comforts for the past few days for no reason. Well the reason is probably the present company. And for those of you who asked...she is here permanently! In the South Asian culture it is the norm for the boys parents to live with him. As mine is the only son, there is no debate about which son she wants to live with.
What is so bad? Well, lets start off with her first day. Everyone who moves into a new home is curious about where everything is. So we gave her a tour of the house but she decided to give herself a tour of all our cabinets and drawers as well. Kids rooms, my dresser, my bathroom cabinets. Invasion of privacy!!
Next, she is the biggest exaggerator/liar in the world. We had meatballs two days ago and my hubby commented on how tasty they were. She said "Well I didnt have all the ingredients I normally use but I tried my best. I am so glad you liked them". The problem? She lied blatantly in front of the person who actually made them - me!
Then she is telling everyone that I still havent bothered to unpack my boxes from the container we shipped here. Thats also not true. I unpacked everything that belonged to me or the kids. The only boxes (and theres a lot!) in our basement belonged to her or her son. HE is the one not bothering to empty his stuff because of the lack of space to put the stuff in.
Why is she doing this? I thought about you guys and what advice you would have given me. I am sure some of you will tell me to confront her. I really am thinking of calling the people she has lied to and telling them subtly that I did unpack and the boxes she is referring to are her own and my hubbys. Am I being trivial?
I know I will have to take a stand but she is so bloody hyper-sensitive. For example, when we were packing dishes in Pakistan, she asked me which ones I wanted to take. I told her we should only take the valuable ones because we would be able to buy new dinner sets in America. She then asked me to select the ones I thought we should pack. I did and walked off. Later two of the servants told me that she was complaining that I didnt want to take anything of hers because I didnt like her stuff and that I had no manners. I confronted her and said "choose whatever you want, dont ask me. I only gave my opinion and if something here is not valuable but has sentimental value just go ahead and pack it." She then proceeded to complain to her neice that I had mistreated her!!
So if I stay quiet, I suffer, but if I speak, I suffer. It feels like a no win situation here.
I am going to take the advice of grams and try to get her to start sewing clothes. She isnt that good but it might keep her busy. We already have a sewing machine and maybe that will entertain her for a short while.
Lord give me strength. Please excuse me while I find a nice comfortable wall to smash my head against!!!
AAAGGGHHH!!
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 Comments
*puts a pillow between you and that wall* will utter several sacred novenas for ya N. Even if things are not good, we can get used to them to the extent that issues might not cause as much grief as they once did. I wouldn't worry too much about who has heard what from MIL, I am sure that they all know only too well what she is like and are empathising with you already!... thinking of you... get her bloody sewing!!!
06 Aug 08 by member: dave22
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Ugh, interfering in-laws...I do not envy your position. I had a pair of those when I was married to my first husband. Bottom line...your husband needs to address this with his mother, because, unfortunately no matter how she's going to look at it, you're going to look like the "bad guy" with her. Although, sounds like that may be bit of a challenge if this is custom for the mothers to move in with the sons. Have you talked to your husband about this, or would he never even dream of confronting this mother?
06 Aug 08 by member: Cheeks
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Cheeks has a good point. Both my sister and I have had our issues with our MIL's.. Mine has passed now, unfortunately, but when I first met my hubby, I was already a mother from my first marriage, and we were both young, blah blah blah... we had a few fallings out, but my husband finally stood up and just basically told her that he loved me and my daughter and she would have to deal with it, or he would not be around her. That helped, but I still eventually had to have a talk with her as well, and that was the real turn around. We both got some stuff off our chests and had a really good relationship after that. It may be a little harder for you at this stage in the game and so many memories and feelings from the past, but try working on ways to diffuse the situation at the time that it's happening instead of bottling it up inside, but without being confrontational. Approach it like you would maybe a boss....
06 Aug 08 by member: katrinat
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If she's with you for the long haul, try not to give her any new ammunition until you have a plan. I agree, it's your husband who's going to have to talk to her - if he can. In the cultural thing - when MIL moves in, is she supposed to become "top dog"? Maybe she's feeling unimportant, without her own house to run, so she's trying to dominate yours. Sorry you have to go thru this! But think long term... you don't want a battle every day for the rest of her time there!
06 Aug 08 by member: amryk
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Oh, my! I had no idea this was PERMANENT! My best advice would be this. It is pretty obvious that she is not going to be happy nomatter what you do. It seems to be her "thing" to be disapproving. So the only thing you have control over is you. When forced with a choice, ask yourself which one will make YOU happiest and choose that one. Placating her will only frustrate you further and not get you anywhere with her in the end since she doesn't seem to be the type who promotes peace and harmony. The only other hope would be if your husband were able to make a stand and be the one to confront her about some of the lies, complaints, etc. She is obviously "old school" in her values so she must see him as "the man of the house". Maybe she would listen to him (or maybe she would try to pull the pity card and tell him how badly you are treating her!). Oh, no. This doesn't look good. *hugs*
06 Aug 08 by member: evelyn64
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OMGosh, you have a full plate! I have sympathy for you. She sounds like one woman who needs to get a life. Is this a permanent living arrangement?? I hope not for your sake. My step-Mom is living with me for 5 weeks & I bought fabric & patterns & she has been sewing but she has "teased" that I am making her a slave to the sewing machine. Oops her she comes & she reads over my shoulder so I will check with you later. Good luck!
06 Aug 08 by member: pretty face
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I can't even imagine going through this myself. There'd better not be any loaded guns in the house! lol AH! Okay, for real... can I suggest, to try to be extra nice and complementary to her??? You know the old saying, "You can attract more bees with honey, than vinegar!"... lol =D Serious... start telling her how good she is at this or that and how thankful you are of her for this or that. Find the good in her and focus on it. She is who she is, and you will not be changing her, not anytime soon. Embrace her with all the good that is in her. Calling the ppl that she lied to... who's that going to help... do they really care if you've unpacked all or not? I would suggest letting it go, or taking it up with hubby. Tell him that she is telling ppl that "you" haven't unpacked everything, and you'd appreciate if he'd get that taken care of... whether it be him renting a storage unit or otherwise. I guess I can only think that if she is going to live under your roof and you'll have to learn to get along, that trying to smooth things out now, might be helpful. I think getting her into a craft like sewing is a great idea, too! She'll feel helpful and be too busy to be under foot. ;) Good luck!
06 Aug 08 by member: bullytrouble
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giving advice is sooo tough! you almost have to KNOW the MIL, to find the best plan of attack. I am so empathetic to your situation. MY mom, although she didn't lie so boldly, DID often twist the truth to suit her own purpose or to help herself outshine the rest. I ended up in more confrontations with her than I could count. I'm not sure that giving your MIL free range to act however she wants is wise, either. It's too bad that you and hubby couldn't partner up to find a way to deal with her. She'll soon realize ANY weakness you may have in your relationship with her son, and then work an angle to get between you like she has to compete with you, instead of live in harmony with you. I'm so sorry because you really don't deserve to feel so constricted in your own home! HOw can you relax when you have to constantly worry about what kind of stuff she's going to say or do next! IF you drew the line and set some ground rules with her, it might hurt her 'sensitive feelings' but maybe it'll be a one-time deal and she'll get over it, versus letting her constantly bang heads with you, day in-day out! Here you are trying to find her something to occupy herself with and gain self-confidence, but what if she doesn't appreciate that effort? Sit her down before she carves herself a comfy hole, dear friend. the inevitable for you is to set some rules...vent as much as you can here, CL. You're in need of an outlet! Wish I lived closer! WE'D take off to the park or gym with the Bear, and not come back for hours! :)
06 Aug 08 by member: BadAndee
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I guess I should be very blessed that I am single and letting go of the new guy that is most likely not good for me. Thank you Jesus!!!
06 Aug 08 by member: altoannie
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That is certainly a tough situation. First off, remember that if she gets to you, she wins. Don't let her get to you. Keep her busy and if she is nosy, you have nothing to hide. Even if she doesn't find something she will make it up, so it doesn't matter. Secondly, she doesn't sound like she will be happy no matter what so you have to do what is best for you and your family. Don't make decisions based on what will make her happy because nothing will and be peaceful when you do not prioritize her wants. Thirdly, always, gently but firmly, and with kindness remind her that YOU are the woman of the house. Do not rely on subtlety or hints, just be firm and say "this is my decision" and "this is what we are going to do". Fourth...try to figure out why she does this. Is she insecure? What does she gain from acting this way? Does she not get enough attention? This will help you figure out how not to let her act like a spoiled teenager. Let her know that she has a place in your home because some of this might be frear of rejection or abandonment or feeling like a burden. Tell her you gladly welcome her, but she needs to contribute. Set boundaries. Fifth, who cares if she complains to the rest of the family? If they ever confront you just say "I don't know why she tells you that". They probably know how she is and wonder what she tells you about them. Confront her right then and there when she lies in front of your husband and children, who cares if she takes it personally. She is exercising power over you and she has no right to do that, don't let her intimidate you. I think you handle yourself with a lot of grace and right now, unfortunately, this is a battlefield. What does your husband say about all of this?
06 Aug 08 by member: sararay
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Wow, my friend you face it on every front. Based on past history I am not certain the husband is going to stand up for you in these circumstances. Therefore if we scroll back several weeks you have wonderful advice for everyone on difficult situations from your challenge on facing difficulties. so this is a long term forever relationship She may in the future be your greatest help-your closest confident. It has to be scary to her too- moving to a new place without friends and trying to figure where she fits in. Her habits would drive me insane...don't go through my drawers, and don't you ever lie about who slaved over the meatballs you crazy old hag...I guess that would be my first set of unproductive thoughts...now- there has to be some zen place-some water off a ducks back where her crazy can't touch you. Come up with some ways to get some peace-yoga, meditate, take a walk, close the door and exercise-let her watch her grandson... don't have the perfect solution here. you are in my good thoughts.
06 Aug 08 by member: sharonfriz
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Wow, my friend you face it on every front. Based on past history I am not certain the husband is going to stand up for you in these circumstances. Therefore if we scroll back several weeks you have wonderful advice for everyone on difficult situations from your challenge on facing difficulties. so this is a long term forever relationship She may in the future be your greatest help-your closest confident. It has to be scary to her too- moving to a new place without friends and trying to figure where she fits in. Her habits would drive me insane...don't go through my drawers, and don't you ever lie about who slaved over the meatballs you crazy old hag...I guess that would be my first set of unproductive thoughts...now- there has to be some zen place-some water off a ducks back where her crazy can't touch you. Come up with some ways to get some peace-yoga, meditate, take a walk, close the door and exercise-let her watch her grandson... don't have the perfect solution here. you are in my good thoughts.
06 Aug 08 by member: sharonfriz
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ok,ok,ok I have read through everyone's advice, and I believe all this to be true. I DO believe that this woman has taken control of your household by taking control of its heart , which is you. NOW lets focus on turning this around shall we?
First of all you are taking this woman WAYYYY too seriously. I picture her with some kinda puss on her face all the time. Now you CAN'T be the only person who sees this face, therefore these people she's lied to about you are most likly seeing whats going on even if you don't know it at the moment,(you and family will compare notes in the future and all laugh it up).
It is my firm belief that you are taking this arrogant woman FAR too seriously! SHE IS A JOKE to walk into YOUR house and play these games!So in place of confontation, I say HAVE some harmless fun ! PLAY some pranks on the woman. little stuff. If she's the first in the shower every morning- put some sugar free koolaid in the shower head! or superglue a few things. black shoe polish is ALWYS fun! and and and if you ask ol' dave22 -with his three rascally boys, i'm sure they can come up with little things that are worth dening that you did-- Right guys - lets help this woman out the right way !!! the immature fun way!!!!go team f/s!!!
06 Aug 08 by member: gearhead
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LOL gearhead! There you go, the men's perspective. It does shed some lightheartedness on the subject. ;) I think it is sweet because he knows you are the heart of the household. Don't forget that CL!
06 Aug 08 by member: sararay
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There is so much good advice here. I'm sure there are some cultural things, that I don't have any clue about, going on here. But I think finding her something to do - and some new friends - should be a priority. Give here some other people to gossip about. Right now, you guys are the only people she knows. And I would definitely tell her that your bedroom is off limits. That is your private space. Make that clear. She might think you are being disrespectful, but she wil get over it. And she'll get the point. Pick your battles!! If all else fails, I have an extra bedroom!!!! I was thinking of planning an FS retreat! ha!
06 Aug 08 by member: Paige E
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There's good advice above CL. All I can add is that I'm praying that you get strength from above to help you get through this and show you the way. I'll be thinking about you.
07 Aug 08 by member: mbhpro
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Cannot repeat what Patricks suggestion was.... (but it involved your hands on hips and the words 'big fat cow'). I might give him a few years to work on his diplomatic side!
07 Aug 08 by member: dave22
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This is what I have found to help me in certain difficult situations; Think about the situation as a personal challenge to do the most caring, right and genuine thing. Handle her as a special soul on earth and treat her with dignity. Whether she shows it back or not and do not lower yourself to her level. Even with confrontation, if you handle it with nothing but good intentions and love, it usually works out.
Once I had a co-worker that hated me, set me up to try to make me look bad. I wanted to say MANY things to her but when I apply this method I went up and said to her,"I'm really sensing that I might have done something to upset you. I feel a tension there and I hope you know I would never do anything to make you feel bad, I hope that's not the case. And please know, if I have upset you, you could tell me." I just kindof switched it around, instead of telling her she was pissing me the hell off, I told her I was worried that I was upsetting HER and I didn't want HER to be upset. lol Anyway, it worked and she left me alone after that. Just turn it into "You care about her and you want to help HER and not upset her so what can you do to make it pleasant for her and her son & you to all live together." I know this doesn't work in some cases, but perhaps it's a start. See where it gets you, then take it from there. If she throws a fit, the jello in the shower is a good idea (lol dave), but use green or blue, not red, thats too scary to an old woman. My house was one full of pranks, believe me, I know this. lol Let us know how it goes! Thinking of you...~Vicki
08 Aug 08 by member: ImLuuvd
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11 Aug 08 by member: dave22
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