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Weight History
showing entries 36 to 40 of 94
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07 March 2013
Body issues.
Body. Issues.
Many people have them - I'd even go so far as to assume that most of us on here have them. Otherwise, why would we be on here? I have buddies who are exceptionally beautiful men and women with (what I see as) great bodies - still working to "perfect" them. I think it's a bit like that meme we see on Facebook and Pinterest, right? Why are we comparing our whole lives to the snapshot of these beautiful models/actresses/actors/whoever.
I think it's because they are there. I'm sure it's a self-feeding cycle, that the advertising and media agencies follow what they believe we find beautiful, but also I wouldn't be surprised if they do a little bit of telling us what is beautiful.
I don't know if all my fear of relationship issues stem from my body issues or if there's more (I think there's more) - but I think that my body issues are a considerable part of it. When I was a teenager, probably even a late teenager, my dad told me that I just didn't have a body that men were attracted to. The terrible part about this is that I love my dad, and I know he didn't mean for it to be hurtful, or certainly to have an effect that's lasted this long - but man how that's carried with me.
I see women out there with bodies that are at least no better than mine (societally speaking - that's going to be the key assumption here because I don't always believe that skinny is healthier than not skinny and so on) who are happy in relationships. With men of all sizes - skinny, tall, short, not-skinny. You name it. How I'd love to watch movies of their lives to see how their brains, their thought processes on the whole thing, are different than mine.
But because they're out there, having these great relationships - I know it's not only my body that's preventing me from finding happiness in this area, there's got to be something else too. I think it's a fear of failure, a fear of picking the wrong person and hurting not only myself and him, but our children down the road. And then I think about what an idiot I am to have these thoughts on a first and second date. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm not good enough, that I'll always be watching him wondering why he's with me.
So for all that, I find I am frequently attracted to unavailable me. Usually after I decide I'm interested I find out they're married, or in a relationship, or just got out of one, or something - something that makes them emotionally unattainable. Please note - I absolutely never pursue the men in relationships. That's just a shitty thing to do and I wouldn't honestly want to be with him if he was going to do something like cheat on his girl. Even if it's with me.
Where does this come from. Well. One way that I tend to find these unavailable men is online (sort of). Not the online dating kind of thing - but through chat from playing online games. Oh god, it sounds so terrible to put it down in words. I swear am not a sexual predator - I do not go out seeking anyone online to meet or sext or anything like that. In fact I usually put the kibosh on things if I think they're getting out of hand because I don't typically know the nature of the person on the other end of the keyboard. But I will chat and if someone seems of age and interesting, I will flirt.
But I guess one of my thoughts in this area is (and I have this same thought when I go to a bar) - if I'm a good, reasonable person, and I'm online/in a bar - doesn't that mean that there is at least the possiblity that there are other good people online/in a bar?
So now there's this guy. One I've had the occasion to chat with some online a fair bit which has recently turned into emails, and for the past couple days, phone calls. Still nothing overtly sexual as I'm having a tough time being sure it's where I want to go. But what I know (believe?) about this guy is that he's from England, a little younger than me, hard working and very nice. We've sent pictures - clean pictures - I do have one or two of myself that I actually like and think I'm reasonably attractive in. And he's adorable. He's fun to talk to and he likes to read and the night I recommended my favorite book he bought it to read himself.
I can find myself very easily being attracted to this man - but we live a continent away from each other. How can you truly be attracted to someone you're not around? And then if he does come over for a visit as we've chuckled about, though I doubt ever seriously (the anxiety is already building) - what if I don't pass muster? What if he doesn't? And how do I work through all these issues? Should I brush this off as stupid flirtation and not give it another thought? Or do I consider trying to push myself to seeing something through?
I can be, and have been, charming. I'm fairly witty and fun to be around. I genuinely like people and like to spread happiness. Besides my "smooshes" and exceptionally large calves and head - I don't have any particularly ugly physical deformity. So people ask me why I'm single (oh, how I love that question) - and all I can really say is, "I just don't really put myself out there". Physically, as in, I don't spend a whole lot of time out trolling for guys - but I know also emotionally, I just have so many doubts that that guy, that cute one at the pool league at the bar, the one I've been mildly flirting with - is even remotely attracted to me. Or some other situation like that. So I guess in part I'm single for the worst reason of all, one that I think in person you wouldn't actually suspect. I'm single because I have no confidence in myself.
I'm single because I have no confidence in myself.
I can try to run, and track my food logs and lift as much as I want. But I'm afraid it's just not going to fix that. I don't want to have confidence just because my thighs are a socially acceptable size.
I want a hero. I have for a long time. I want a knight in shining armor who will come save me from my own insecurities, my own feelings of inadequacy. But under my present state of mind - I highly doubt I will attract such a man. I know I sure am attracted to confidence, he should be too.
If you've gotten this far, here's some good news. I think the position where I've been a contractor for the past year is going to pick me up as a permanent employee - for which I'm very excited. I guess the potential release of stress about this topic has opened up my ability now to focus...elsewhere.
Phew.
(7 comments)
19 February 2013
Yesterday's eating was half decent - half not. Oh well. Today will be much better. I have actually gotten sleep, and I'm back to my regularly scheduled programming.
I am finding though a much stronger connection to what I've eaten and how my workout goes than what I've felt in the past. So, because of that, last night's workout wasn't great. At least, the running part of it. The lifting went fine. But I didn't totally give up. The running hurt (someday soon I will buy new shoes) so that only lasted about half the time, but I finished on the elliptical to try to get a little more cardio.
Tonight it will be all elliptical (42 min maybe) plus abs. Up to 100 today - need to find some varieties that I like to keep me interested. I know (I believe?) the abs are all interconnected, but it irks me to only feel soreness at the top of the set, so think I need to try to add some leg lifts or something to "feel" it more in the lower half.
I've been avoiding weighing in - but I guess it's about that time. Soon-ish :)
(4 comments)
18 February 2013
Weekend visiting my sister - a success.
In a way we kind of ate our way through the weekend, but I feel like it was more French eating than anything. I really don't feel particularly over indulged.
The crowning point, of course, was dinner at La Voile. OMG it was amazing. French restaurant in Boston - if you're ever in the area, check it out. Very $$$, but for an every once in a while thing, totally worth every penny.
The best part? Pate foie gras. I'm blown away by the flavor in it. Drooling thinking about it.
Still recovering from no sleep last night due to laaate flights. Will try to resume working out tonight and my attempts at better eating. May take to tomorrow.
Happy Monday :)
(4 comments)
13 February 2013
My body is so not ready for three days of workouts yet. At least my legs aren't. It became very clear last night when I started into my run workout that I wasn't going to last. I'm not too upset about it - I did try to push myself a little more this week than I have in the past several weeks. I know better than that. So today I'm taking off - I'm not even going to feel guilty about not taking the stairs (not that I take them all the time yet, but I feel guilty when I don't :P ).
I did *finally* get to my 3x20 for bench press, lat pulls and tricep extensions. So next time I lift I'll be upping the weight and adding bicep curls. I know I need to keep things even in my body, and that I should probably be adding a leg lift or two - but I can't get inspired about it, especially when my legs are already pretty worn out from running and the elliptical (and soon, body, I promise you, the stairs at work again). Working out is no good if I'm not interested in it - so I think I'm going to leave it out for now. But I will start thinking about what lift I'm going to add after this round of 3x12 to 3x20. No inclined press, that just *kills* my shoulders. Maybe upright rows? Seated rows? Any thoughts?
(2 comments)
12 February 2013
Two good workouts in the past two days. It's not a habit, but it's getting closer. If I go work out tonight (and the plan is yes after coaching) then I will finally be at my 3x20 sets for lifting and next time I lift I'll be able to up the weights and down the reps and I'll add bicep curls. Never thought I'd be excited about adding bicep curls, but it turns out doing bench press 3x18 times is kind of boring :)
Need to get on the nutrition train as that is not coming along very well. But it's so easy to find excuses. I've officially decided to give up pork products for Lent (not because I'm Catholic, but because I like the challenge) - hoping this helps me think healthier for a while!
(4 comments)
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