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27 November 2013

Today I actually got up on time, even though it was pouring cats and dogs outside, and I got ready for my ride to my day program. This was an unbelievable success for me, as a couple of months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed EVER. I am trying to turn over a new avenue in my life. Yesterday I went to the YMCA, another big feat for me, and I exercised. It felt good. I am looking forward to Saturday when I can go again. I am a bit scared about going into the pool, I might put on a pair of shorts for that instead of wearing the bottom of my bathing suit (it's kind of revealing). I don't want to embarrass myself too much. I had bought a new bag for the gym and it is stuffed with everything I will need there. As far as food goes, I managed to stay under calories today, but I did eat something like four snacks. I didn't eat much breakfast though, so I guess that makes up for it. I am getting a little infuriated with my staff for making up excuses as to why they can't help me with certain things. They could have helped me out tonight, but they chose not to. Now I am out of a med and I am NOT walking to their building to get it when one of them could have very well dropped it off cuz they were coming by anyway. Such hogwash! It is not a very important med, at least, not to me, and I don't think it will make the least bit of difference if I take it or not. Yet they were giving me a bunch of baloney about it. I say screw them. If they didn't wanna help me, then it's on them. It don't matter to me one bit whether or not I take it. Anyway, that's my rant for today. I am hoping things get better with my eating, but it doesn't look good for tomorrow. I fear there may be some complications at that time, seeing it's Thanksgiving and all. We shall see, we shall see. I am doing a lot of good stuff to keep me active and busy, looking forward to the new year. It will be a good one, I know. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

26 November 2013

Well, this is the first time I have been on here in almost five months. I have had a lot going on, several hospitalizations, an unwillingness to work on my weight, and a hatred of all who nag me about it. So I thought I would come on here and give myself away to God and ask him for his help to get through this. The one thing that has been a problem for me for so long is, I never move. I sit like a bump in a log day in and day out. I NEVER move. Well, today I actually made a commitment to start at the YMCA to exercise. It was my first time so I did the bike for 20 minutes (10 minutes first then after rest 10 more minutes), and I did 10 minutes on the treadmill. Saturday I am going again, and I will be doing the pool. How scared I am about the pool though. I feel like I will look like a whale in my bathing suit, I am so HUGE! I am trying not to think about that and just think of the fact that I AM going. Please say a prayer for me, as many times when I make such a commitment to myself, it is destroyed through self-sabotage. I want this for myself, I really do. But I get weak and give up a lot of times. Help me be strong, friends. I really need to get through this.

16 July 2013

Ok, so I have really screwed up the last few weeks. And it took a major epiphany to make me realize how badly I am doing. I have done nothing but stick my heels in the mud and wait for someone to do all this work for me. And I finally realize no is going to do it for me, it is something I have to decide to do for myself. I am at a standstill right now. I have to either shit or get off the pot. I need to stop being so willful and so stubborn about wanting to eat myself into oblivion that I am using my eating as a crutch. I finally get it now! I finally realize where the frustration everyone who works with me has towards me. I finally get how much I have been playing the damn victim. Poor me, poor me, I have been saying for years. I have been saying, I can't, I can't, when the real word I should me saying is, I won't. I am gonna get this. I am going to start writing here everyday, and start using the tools here that are allotted to me, and not only these tools, but the tools of OA, and the tools that DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Training) has taught me, and the tools my doctors have given me. I have the biggest toolbox in the world, and for God's sake, I need to start using them!!! I have been a stick in the mud for far too long. I need to get a move on. I cannot keep beating myself up and just eating over it. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. I need to take action. I need to live for myself and not food. I need to realize that this is the biggest and best journey that I could take for myself, for once the weight is gone, and I am fully functional and healthy once again (if I ever WAS healthy), I will be able to soar the mountaintops and break way to the skies. I will be free for the first time ever. I will break out of this huge prison I have made for myself. And this has to be my ultimate goal. Thank you and God bless.

06 July 2013

Did badly today. Cannot even record food as I had way too much and do not remember all I ate. will be careful rest of week. Going to Weight Loss Doctor on the 18th, do not want to keep doing this. No more junk in house. Lots of good food. Will make menu for tomorrow. Have a few high salt items in house but will bring the salt content down by mixing them with lower salt products. For instance, have a few Knorr Rice Sides that I bought, will add extra rice and extra veggies to stretch the meal into more than the portions allotted on the package so that I may some some for a couple days. Doing this lowers the original salt content and makes for a very good meal. Will also measure out some meat and add that to a single portion. The portion of the Rice Side salt content will also be less due to the extra veggies I will mix in. This works, believe me. It is a quick meal, with a lot of flavor, and is not unhealthy. Will help keep me balanced. Was told to add meat or poultry after measuring protein out. Liked this idea. Trying to eat healthier while keeping taste. Without taste, I overeat. Also must eat more fresh veggies. Have fruit too. Some fruit cups, but also fresh fruit. Anyone know how to tell an Avocado is ripe? Need to know. Going to make fajitas tomorrow with avocado instead of sour cream. Sounds good. Will try to stay under my own guidelines for the next few days. Will be going to Orthopedic Doctor towards end of month to ask for PT. Hopefully will be able to move again soon. Too much pain right now. Thanks for listening.

29 June 2013

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