Smollettri's Journal, 16 July 2013

Ok, so I have really screwed up the last few weeks. And it took a major epiphany to make me realize how badly I am doing. I have done nothing but stick my heels in the mud and wait for someone to do all this work for me. And I finally realize no is going to do it for me, it is something I have to decide to do for myself. I am at a standstill right now. I have to either shit or get off the pot. I need to stop being so willful and so stubborn about wanting to eat myself into oblivion that I am using my eating as a crutch. I finally get it now! I finally realize where the frustration everyone who works with me has towards me. I finally get how much I have been playing the damn victim. Poor me, poor me, I have been saying for years. I have been saying, I can't, I can't, when the real word I should me saying is, I won't. I am gonna get this. I am going to start writing here everyday, and start using the tools here that are allotted to me, and not only these tools, but the tools of OA, and the tools that DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Training) has taught me, and the tools my doctors have given me. I have the biggest toolbox in the world, and for God's sake, I need to start using them!!! I have been a stick in the mud for far too long. I need to get a move on. I cannot keep beating myself up and just eating over it. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. I need to take action. I need to live for myself and not food. I need to realize that this is the biggest and best journey that I could take for myself, for once the weight is gone, and I am fully functional and healthy once again (if I ever WAS healthy), I will be able to soar the mountaintops and break way to the skies. I will be free for the first time ever. I will break out of this huge prison I have made for myself. And this has to be my ultimate goal. Thank you and God bless.

Diet Calendar Entry for 16 July 2013:
1402 kcal Fat: 28.43g | Prot: 74.95g | Carb: 215.58g.   Breakfast: Peanut Butter, Oatmeal, Bananas, Soy Milk, Honey, Celery, Plain Yogurt. Dinner: Knorr Rice Sides - Cheddar Broccoli, Tyson Foods Fajita Chicken Breast Strips, Broccoli, White Rice. Snacks/Other: Chobani Greek Yogurt Bite Coffee with Dark Chocolate Chips. more...
on diet Calorie Count  

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Comments 
It sounds like you've had a real breakthrough--good for you! Now might be a great time for you to turn your intentions into specific goals regarding what, when, and how much you'll eat. Keep up the realist thinking! 
16 Jul 13 by member: Miss_Elise
You CAN DO IT, Melanie. YOU CAN. YOU CAN. Great idea about goals. 
16 Jul 13 by member: Helewis
Thanks Guys, I need to stay focused, that is the main thing. DBT teaches a lot about being mindful and that is what I need to remember to do. I feel as if I just emerged from the lion's mouth and am ready to make some breakthroughs. It is good to have you all here to help me. Thanks guys. 
16 Jul 13 by member: Smollettri
Good luck, what has helped me focus and kept me motivated is knowing that there are people here who have lost 'huge' just like I have to. One of my favourite weight histories to look at for that purpose is Kingkeld. He is part of my '40s with +100lbs to lose' group. Maybe there are people like this in your group?  
17 Jul 13 by member: dandelionSKY

     
 

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