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02 September 2014

Weigh-in: 147.7 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 22.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Lizzie983's own diet   losing 1.4 lb a week

01 September 2014

Weigh-in: 149.5 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 23.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well

18 August 2014

Hey buddies,
I am back to atsecret.
I have to admit, I have lost control over food and also over my own life during the past two months.
It's time to go back on track, so I am starting with recording my weight regularly, avoiding raptus eating, expressing emotions in different ways than through food.
For now I want to start eating regularly, slowly I want to reduce calories intake in order to loose weight.
I had to buy new clothes, cause all my usual one are quite small.

After the disastrous trip to Italy, which I spent having quarrels with my father every other hour, I have been for a short trip to Sweden, with a friend of mine.
Well, somehow I have been able to get some motivation again during this trip.
Being there with a good friend of mine helped.
She also always had issues dealing with her own emotions. I learnet a lot from her, she is a good example to me.
She is regularly writing a diary about her emotions and feeling every evening, then also drawing. She practises yoga every morning, and also 10 minutes before going to sleep. She eats healthy, has plenty of tea, and green tea instead of coffee.
She rewards herself with clothes and with small things.
She regularly walks outdoor in parks and natural environments.
She has a lot of self respect and she does lots of "self maintenance" to keep an equilibrium.

I see that in the past months I have been treating myself as a trash can, eating like hell when I did not know how to deal with my emotions and my "internal" conflicts.
I stopped taking care of myself in a healthy way.
I was practising sports, but in a kind of destructive way.
I have lost myself.
I have been dealing with a crazy situation at work, that ended up with me giving up for good, to somehow preserve myself.
I have been dealing with a horrible family situation, begging for some support from my father.
Well, as it has always been, my father is not able to provide support in a human recognizable way.
He is only able to criticize whatever I do (even my shoe laces), and push me, make me angry and stressed, because in his opinion it helps me dealing better with the outside world.
Well, after all this fighting to have some love from him, I decided to give up on him.
I will not take care of him, since he is retiring from work in a few months.
I don't want him in my life, he only does harm.
I just want to call him every couple of weeks to know he is still alive, and that's the distance I need to have between he and me.
I cannot stand him.
He has never been a good parent, never being able to listen or to be close to me, always emotionally and physically distant.
He believes he has been a good parent, just because when I was in middle and high school, once or twice a year he was explaining me some math (BTW, he never noticed that many parents help kids with their homeworks on a daily basis...).

He is and always been verbally abusing me, every single conversation we had, always making a point I was a zero.
I don't want him in my life. I had enough.
I am worth a happy life, I deserve better.
He has been so abusive in the last months, trying to convince me to give up on my job, my relationship with my partner, my friends and my life in Germany with the only purpose of moving to the small village where he is living in Italy, in order to cook for him, clean up his flat and listen to him verbally abusing me the whole time.
He does not care if his plan on me does not make me happy.
As it has always been, he does not consider me like a human being, with the right of pursuing happiness, but just as a kind of servant.

I really cannot stand this way of treating women, especially from Italian men.
He is just an egoistic old guy who instead of a (kinf of) wife wants me to be his kind of nanny.
I had enough.
I am happy living here.
I cannot get any love out of him, only hate, abuse.

I want to start again loving myself, stop feeling guilty for not fulfilling my father's plans on me.

Sorry for this long post!

A big hug,
Lizzie
Weigh-in: 150.8 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 25.1 lb Diet followed poorly
   (1 comment) on diet Lizzie983's own diet   gaining 0.8 lb a week

16 June 2014

Hey buddies,

I haven't written here for quite some time.
Things have changed in my life, and I don't know how to deal with change and emotions still.
I have decided to quit my job. Tomorrow is gonna be my last working day.
It is tough. Tomorrow I have to present some results and I am still not finished with the slides.
It has been tough to admit this job is not for me. The stress I absorb it way more than all the advantages I get back.
Still, it's tough to admit my failure... this seemed to be the perfect job, and I haven't felt happy or OK a single day since I have started working there. I really cannot focus anymore when I am sitting at that desk.
I know, I can see this as an opportunity to find out a new profession that makes me feel happy, gives me some sense of accomplishment instead of pure frustration.
I see I need anon-desk job, at least as the next job.
I have been forcing myself to go to the office every day, kept on working on a project I really did not care or like, now I am paying. I feel empty, I feel like none of the things I know I like sounds interesting or fun.
I have stopped going to the climbing gym, swimming, taking pictures, enjoying staying in a park and even hiking.
I feel like I am not able to enjoy anything.
I want to have a break before starting a new job or committing to anything.
This sense of emptiness is pretty strong.

I know somehow things are going to be better in a few months, but at this moment I feel like everything is falling apart in my own world.
I express this with my overeating raptuses. It is my kind of "self punishment" for not being good enough.
I see my past few years and I see I failed so many times.
Left this job and my past one. Ended badly my marriage.
My family is shrinking more and more, and I cannot do much.

I hope I will feel better in the next days.
My partner is supporting me a lot... especially by taking away from me the big package of Ben and Jerry's before I finish eating all of it.
I will try to go through my slideshow for tomorrow.
And maybe go in the nearby town on Wednesday for some retail therapy :)

27 May 2014

Weigh-in: 141.5 lb lost so far: 1.8 lb still to go: 15.9 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Lizzie983's own diet   losing 0.8 lb a week

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