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Today I am wondering.... WHY??
I have the feeling of not knowing what the heck I am doing this for. Yes, I started out doing it for me... because I don't wanna be insulin dependent like my mom, brother and sister. Yes, I feel way better and have more energy than I did just a mere 20 pounds ago (well...19 lbs as of today). But I don't know why I should bother. The energy and better attitude are not getting me anywhere.
I suppose, I had hopes of maybe something changing in my relationship, because I had the feeling that my weight and not feeling good had a lot to do with why it was so "stale", and void of any kind of affection (and I mean ANY kind) or emotion. I felt like it didn't really matter if I was here or not.
I guess I just had high hopes and the disappointment is gut wrenching. I wasn't just doing it for him, and it will never be that way. I have family I wanted to be around for.... but that isn't there either. I was doing it for me, but now I don't feel like I should even bother.
I'm still looking for recipes, foods, and advice. I haven't given up yet on the feeling better part. I think I am giving up on believing anyone cares if I am here or not. My life has always been existing in the background of everyone's life. I'm used to it. I just have to talk myself into coming to terms with the fact that it will be that for as long as I am around. I have to keep it in my head that I have never been and will never be the center of anyone's life and whatever I do....it has to be and will only ever be....for me
Diet Calendar Entries for 01 July 2016:
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1121 kcal
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Fat: 86.92g | Prot: 69.97g | Carb: 31.79g.
Breakfast: Patrick Cudahy Applewood smoked bacon, Dean's Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee, Splenda No Calorie Sweetener Packets. Dinner: Pork Loin (Country-Style Ribs), Frank's Kraut. Snacks/Other: bitter sweet chocolate morsels, Skippy Natural Creamy Peanut Butter. more...
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4378 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Stairs (Climbing Stairs) - 5 minutes, Resting - 2 hours and 35 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Cooking - 30 minutes, Working - 9 hours and 20 minutes, Watching TV/Computer - 3 hours and 30 minutes. more...
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1 to 20 of 25
 Comments
First of all, you need to know your real "why". Drill down to see what you're hoping will happen. Second, you're not without choices/options even within a relationship. For me, I found when I worked on me (internally/externally/situationally) all of a sudden I became more attractive within the relationship. Kind of like when we were in high school, when you stop looking for someone, they just show up. Might be a good time to relearn each other too? Hang in there.
01 Jul 16 by member: newnormal
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We care if you are here. You are worthy of health and created for a purpose. You may feel in the background, but start connecting more with what makes you, YOU. Do you like to worry? Then write. Art? Draw or paint. Find out what makes you, you. Weight loss solves health issues, not relational ones. But you are worth it. Put your self farther up on your list and find who you were meant to be. You'll be a better wife and mother. It's hard when we don't get the validation we need from others.
01 Jul 16 by member: bdmgoggins
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Try these...very tasty and sweet. https://www.fatsecret.com/recipes/roasted-butternut-squash/Default.aspx As for the mental aspect, There may be more to the problem than a weight issue. Perhaps there also is a female hormone imbalance. At 49 you may be going thru "the Change" which could explain the non-desire issue and the depressive thoughts. That's what my wife was doing when she was pre-menopausal. I'd suggest consulting a Gynecologist and they can let you know.
01 Jul 16 by member: robertpsxtreme
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Lol! No edit option! Don't worry! It should say write. Big difference.
01 Jul 16 by member: bdmgoggins
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@bdm... I do write...journal actually...in a tablet that no one has seen. Left it out once with a letter telling him to read it so he understood me a little better....he didn't. How do I know that? I "fixed" it so I would be able to tell..he didn't even open the cover of the tablet. That meant...he doesn't care...to me. I got used to knowing that way before. The journaling helped..still helps when I do it. As far as what makes me, ME.... I know I'm in here somewhere, just misplaced. I used to really live. It didn't matter if I was single or not. I was never alone or feeling alone. I guess that got covered up with the weight. LOL I used to draw, cross stitch, and crochet. I'm not sure where those things went. I even feel guilty sometimes that I don't do them. I know I withdrew into myself, and I think I even know when and why that happened. I guess it's just time to let go of thinking he will ever come back around, start getting out more and rebuilding friendships and other relationships I once had...or find new ones. Thank you
01 Jul 16 by member: Teacupsmom
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@ Robert... I'm sure you may be right on the pre-menopausal crap! However, it's been over nine years of the "non-desirable" aspect. Thank you for your thoughts...I do believe it is time that I start looking into the hormonal stuff. Maybe my attitude isn't as good as it should be or what I thought it was...
01 Jul 16 by member: Teacupsmom
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@ imitatingcrabmeat (lol, just the name made me chuckle today..thanks) I know in my head that you are right. I can only control what I have the ability to control. I am still going to work on the healthier side of me and maybe with that will come the confidence again to not care what other people think or want from me. I am in here somewhere..I know I am. I guess I got carried away with the feeling of not being good enough for anyone, when I should have been worrying about being good enough for me. I have YEARS of insecure feelings to erase! I hope I can keep me in the foreground and care less if people want to follow me through this or not. THANK YOU!!
01 Jul 16 by member: Teacupsmom
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01 Jul 16 by member: bdmgoggins
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what we think about most we become :)
01 Jul 16 by member: Sugar Waffle
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Truth, sugar! I needed to hear that today.
01 Jul 16 by member: bdmgoggins
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you like to crochet? you know there's groups for that you can go to... maybe go to a pottery group... join a yoga class.... I understand you are unhappy within your relationship. ..so go be happy outside of it. build a life that is fulfilling for YOU. meet new people.... I'm not telling you to cheat or anything but you don't have to sit around the house feeling unappreciated either.... there's also paint nights where you drink wine and paint... you can find those on Groupon I think. .... weightloss should make YOU HAPPY yo feel healthy... but it sounds like you need to do stuff that is out of the house and fun in order to make it all worth while.
01 Jul 16 by member: 8hunter6
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TCM, I had to make that journey of finding myself, it took me a few years, my marriage was on the rocks, I didn't care if he stayed or if he left, I was focused on me and becoming who I really am and moving out of the shadows where I hid myself behind the title of Wife, mother. I was a people pleaser, I did not even know what my own favorite color was, I chose things that made others happy. I discovered who I was, became happy in my own skin and learned how to love me....when I got to where I was going....hubby came back and we started over, fresh with a more equal relationship. I am still living my happy ending. Happiness begins with finding and loving yourself. The rest is just icing on the cake!
01 Jul 16 by member: debrafrederick
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Teacupsmom, you said above, "I guess it's just time to let go of thinking he will ever come back around", can you clarify what that means? Are you IN a relationship or are you holding on to something that's over, because if he's not around I'm not sure you can call it a relationship. You need to clearly define your reality as it IS, not how you want it to be.
01 Jul 16 by member: 1point21gigawatts
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@ Phil... I am in a relationship. I think. We live in the same house, separate rooms. We don't do much together at all anymore, hardly carry on a conversation unless it's about our fur babies. He's off on his own for a couple of hours every night.... expects supper when he gets home and me to drop everything I am doing because he has something to say that usually doesn't makes sense. There is absolutely NO affection or affirmation that I exist in his world... where once there was. He's never been overly affection, but once in awhile he let me know that I mattered...now...not so much.
01 Jul 16 by member: Teacupsmom
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So he's not around in an emotional sense. Gotcha. Stop hoping and start doing for yourself. You don't owe him dinner when he comes home. You don't owe him an ear to chew on. But you do owe it yourself to put yourself and your own needs above a person that apparently doesn't care about you. Relationships can be great, unless they're not, then they can really suck. Stop living a life that sucks, do something about it.
01 Jul 16 by member: 1point21gigawatts
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While the relationship and insecurity issues are a real "weight" that you carry, so to are the extra pounds. You've found some relief from the later and were probably hoping that those pounds dropped would help with the former....don't be discouraged that these issues may be a bit disconnected (mental/relational versus physical) and that you may need to address them separately. Speaking from the purely physical issue of type 2 diabetes....please use this as a huge motivator in your continued weight loss...this is a terrible disease, insidious, poisonous and severely limiting to your future quality of life. My thoughts are with you and hope you find peace and contentment on your future path...take care!!
01 Jul 16 by member: Steven Lloyd
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I just wanna thank everyone for their advice, thoughts, and support. I'm sorry I had my little pity party on here. I forget sometimes that I have my settings set for comments. I do appreciate what you have all said...and I thank you all. I went to cook my bacon, do some dishes, and get supper going in the crock pot since I have to work a second shift today and won't be here to make it. As I was doing all that, I was really absorbing all the comments I had seen to that point....and they made sense. I also decided to take a few pictures of myself since it was the beginning of the month, and I could see a difference even if no one else can. That alone should inspire me, but the support and reading of stories on here is what is really doing the trick. I'll worry about me. If I can't get back what I have lost or misplaced, I will carry on anyway and move on if I have to.
Thanks everyone... for reminding me that I am all that should matter and the rest will fall into place when it's time.... <3
01 Jul 16 by member: Teacupsmom
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There's a certain amount of soul-searching that accompanies the time near the change, even men do this (the so-called male menopause). Time to decide what you want from the rest of your life! The withdrawal you describe is self-feeding so you may have to really pep-talk yourself into getting out of your rut. I understand it is hard to get others (esp. family) to see and appreciate you beyond your role in their lives - I've been through and felt a lot of what you describe. Others have a hard time seeing your value if you don't value yourself. Uncover and play up your best features, try to act like you care even if you're not feeling it - "fake it til you make it." As others have suggested, get out of the house and do some classes or volunteering. And BTW, what's up with hubby - is he depressed?
01 Jul 16 by member: trackin64
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Oh sweetheart, I'm sure that everyone else has already said what I felt when reading this. Work towards being able to see your own true worth. The trouble with judging yourself by the way others treat you is that it hasn't got ANYTHING to do with you, it's all about them. x
01 Jul 16 by member: ForJandM
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Find yourself, TCM....regardless of anyone else in or out of your life. Find you... for YOU! You can only control what you do, what you think, how you react. Do this for you.... the weight loss, the crafting, the journaling. Doing it for someone else is a lesson in futility, my dear. I care that you are here.... all of us here do!
01 Jul 16 by member: ImLaura
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