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I have been absent from this site for much too long. I am embarrassed to tell you all, if any of my buddies are still checking in on me, that I am significantly OVER 200 lbs, although I have not yet updated my weight history.
Why? Eating too much. Eating the wrong foods. Using food to "treat" my stress. Giving up. Being in denial. Not paying attention. Not weighing.
About the only thing I have continued to do (other than feed my face mindlessly) is to exercise. My joints hurt. Most of my clothes do not fit. I do not feel well, in mind, body, or spirit.
Today is July 4th. As good as any day to make a sincere effort to take better care of myself. I've started well, some steel cut oats for breakfast, plans to exercise, thinking about eating healthy today, planning on taking care of myself today.
I have NOT been kind to myself at all. I must tell you, I don't really understand how I can slide back into destructive mode so damn easily. I want to just say to hell with it but I know I would not be happy with those results. IF I feel like crap right now ... I can imagine how much crappier I would feel as the weight continued to pile on. I miss feeling like I did when I weighed under 200.
I know I am not in this "boat" alone and I know that when I visited here regularly, wrote journals (which indeed is a form of therapy for me) when I struggled I didn't fall as hard or as quickly. I find little solace in that at the moment.
Thank you dear friends who have continued to check on me ... Julia, Sharon, Cathy, Sarah, and so many others.
I have a very quick trip to Michigan in less than two weeks. I hope I can achieve some progress between now and then. I do want to feel better. And so I am the only one who can do that. Candy, cake, ice-cream, salty snacks, mindless eating ... regardless of how "good" it tastes in the moment doesn't make me feel better.
I've made a few "false" starts only to fall right back into not paying attention. I can't say that today isn't another "false" start. I've lost confidence in myself. I've lost me. I've found the former me ... the me who doesn't treasure herself. The "mean" me. The "me" who sees herself as "ugly", "fat", "worthless", "less than" ... I've fed her and she is now strong once again.
So ... anyway today is now. Today I will do my best to practice some kindness to myself.
Diet Calendar Entries for 04 July 2011:
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1680 kcal
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Fat: 56.01g | Prot: 90.02g | Carb: 208.02g.
Breakfast: walnuts, craisins, Brown Sugar Splenda, Steel Cut Oatmeal. Lunch: fat free cheese slice, Cottage Cheese, Sandwich Thin, ground beef. Dinner: butter, Artisan Petite Como Loaf, Carrots, Baked Chicken, Knorr Rice Sides - Herb & Butter. Snacks/Other: popcorn, Cantaloupe. more...
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2981 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Pilates - 50 minutes, Precor Elliptical - 46 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 24 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
Hey! I too have fell into not caring mode, and it is not a nice place to be. You came back though so that is a step in the right direction. It may or may not be a false start but if it is you can go back to the starting line and then start over and over and over until you get it right. Thats the nice thing about this, it is not a real race so you can start as many times as you need to until you get back on track. Think of it as a warm up. I will say that the "mean" you needs to disappear and and the "nice" you needs to reappear because seeing yourself in those negative ways is only gonna hurt you more in the long run. Just know we are all here for you, hopfully we will see you around more often! Take care of yourself.
04 Jul 11 by member: pixidaisy
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Hello dear lady. You are not the only one who has struggled and is now back here hoping to right things. I came back myself only yesterday and look forward to being better to myself and helping those who are also in need of support once more. {{{{hugs}}}
04 Jul 11 by member: dawn0001
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Dear Moose.. Maybe the time has come to change your avatar name...No more mad about because the time has come to let go of the mad and perhaps be Glad? GladaboutMoose because we certainly appreciate and care about you and think about you when you are gone. We all have desert periods which is the place we learn from. Please know how very dear you are to us. You've helped us and me so much by just being a good friend by sharing. Your weight doesn't define you, please remember this:)I hope you know how deeply you are cared for here. TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!
04 Jul 11 by member: Lisa Online
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04 Jul 11 by member: Helewis
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Carol, I am so sorry that you are having such a struggle with all the nasty issues tied to weight. I completely understand...I have been struggling with some of these same things myself. Why do we feel the urge to turn to food in times of stress? Why do we start to revert to the habits that made us so unhappy, when our emotional state starts to spiral out of control, when we are unable to control the events in our lives that cause us pain and despair? We know that in our minds that food is not the answer, but at the time it is feels like it will. I completely understand how you feel and where you are coming from. Sure hope that things turn around for you now. I am glad that you are back! We miss you! HUGS!!!!
04 Jul 11 by member: ctlss
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This JUST happened to me too! I gained back all kinds of weight, couldn't stop it like a demon was controlling my every action. But yesterday, I woke up feeling different, feeling disgusted but in a "fix it" sort of way. I'm back on the wagon. This time it will be better, for both of us! All of us!
04 Jul 11 by member: Stella1964
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04 Jul 11 by member: madaboutmoose
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:D, you fabulous 50 something woman!! You are awesome!
04 Jul 11 by member: ctlss
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I have been wondering where you went off to, always look forward to your morning post. Life does throw us some wicked curve balls at times. I hope you are going to come back regularily with your journaling etc. You are too important to to many people and I don't just mean us here, but to your family and friends and all who know you. Keep that head up high and be the best "you" that you can be. You ARE worth it my friend and don't you forget it!!
04 Jul 11 by member: HealthyBabs
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Come back Moose. We need you and you need us. Just journal those feelings instead of eating them. It's so hard day in day out but I love that you remember feeling better before and that's key. Hang onto that knowledge and find the strength doing the small things one day at a time. List the grateful things, list the kind things..stop by one journal cause helping others is such a great motivator....let july 4th be the start day...or the continuation day of all the really great things you've done for yourself already. Don't you dare forget how much you've already lost!!!!!!! Love you Carol
04 Jul 11 by member: sharonfriz
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Hi Carol. The journey is long. Hang with your friends when you can and trust that we know what you are going through even if you don't tell us - if we are alive, we have stress!
05 Jul 11 by member: abbadabba
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