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Theoretically I understand what Romans 8:28 is about, but there are times where really believing that all things are working for my good is very difficult. I believe that G-d is able, I just am not always sure He's willing, or intent on revealing things in a way I'd anticipate. Perhaps today is part of an exercise to realize just how big He is.
So in less abstract terms what I am facing is the frustrating aftermath of unanticipated car trouble. My car is down (I managed to break the front left control arm holding my wheel.) I realize things could possibly have ended up much worse; my daughter and I were uninjured and no other vehicles aside from my own were harmed. Yet right now I can still imagine the same kind of dismay and anxiety that the Israelites experienced, standing between the Red Sea and the oncoming Egyptian army. These people saw the plagues G-d meted out to Pharaoh and his people. (Interestingly enough each of the ten plagues was a direct insult to a member of the Egyptian pantheon of deities. G-d defied them in order to show Egypt and Israel that He was the One worthy of glory and that the others were powerless against Him.) In spite of this fact they were still quite fearful when the charioteers were driving at them, intent on ending their liberation.
I remember hearing that courage feels exactly like being afraid, which I guess is somewhat encouraging because the times I've needed to be brave I often felt anything but. Learning to be calm by focusing on G-d's word can be grueling (at least it has often felt that way for me). I feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes because I keep thinking I "ought to know better", and yet I often relate to things with and through my feelings, so knowing how to accept them but not yield to them is challenging. I wish I could say I will. That I will trust, I will be still, I will wait patiently. However,I am so keenly aware of my weakness and my tendency to fail that I question the prudence of making such a claim. It feels like writing a check without balancing the register to know whether or not it may bounce.
Perhaps because I see my own inadequacy I feel silly asking G-d to help me to do what I know He wants me to because I feel so dependent and struggle to understand the purpose it serves...Or maybe rather it is hard to face that full insufficiency and recognize my deep need for G-d's grace because of my pride and fear that He somehow is fed up with me not pulling myself together and handling things like a grownup.
Yet what other option do I have? So with a visceral awareness that G-d is without obligation (at least per my merit) to help me I find myself looking up and asking G-d, show me again how big You are. My circumstances are bigger than me and I need to see again that You are bigger than them. Have mercy on me please, O G-d.
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