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21 January 2015

Weigh-in: 162.5 lb lost so far: 9.5 lb still to go: 22.5 lb Diet followed poorly
   (3 comments) on diet Calorie Count   gaining 1.1 lb a week

06 January 2015

I started slipping into a depression recently and anxiety has been a big problem. Here is a poem that I started today to vent. I may refine it later because I don't like the second half as much as the first, but for now it is what it is.
* * *

There’s no bogeyman in the kitchen
there are no goblins beneath the stairs
there’s no monster hiding under the kitchen sink looking to catch me unawares
but I wake up in the morning
the alarm rings and I want to hide
the monsters aren’t out there,
no instead they’re trapped inside

a sense of danger on the fringes
I search the room but find no foe
yet the darkness from the other room seems to haunt me and bids me not to go
don’t try and face the day
you’ll only trip and stumble more, so why face it anyway?

this is where I’m stuck
and the prison seems so gray
hope appears a scary thing in contrast with today
complacency at least promises familiarity and reason
it is hard to press on, believing that this is just a passing season
I am not where I want to be
but I don’t know how to get there
it seems so far from where I am
   (7 comments) on diet Calorie Count  

05 December 2014

It has been incredibly frustrating that seemingly no matter how much I try to lower the bar I set for myself, I still fail to meet it. I haven't been successful yet in charting ALL my food. Invariably I get discouraged when I see how greatly I underestimated something I ate or I will lose track of how much of something I am eating. I am being deliberately mindful now to describe my setbacks not as failures but it largely feels like I an deluding myself and that I may not be able to break free from this cycle. I want to say I can't do it because I am scared it is true and I am tired of making the same bad choices and falling into the same destructive patterns. I don't know if I have the energy to try and part of me is afraid to look and be proven inadequate. It is entirely irrational, I realize, because I assume more responsibility by not doing everything in my power, though I really, REALLY struggle with the idea of not being in control because I am afraid of ending up in a painful situation I cannot escape...like my childhood all over again. Surviving that once was hard, what if I am not strong enough to do it twice?

Honesty sometimes feels like my only virtue, but right now it leaves me feeling ashamed because I see myself so much with the 'shoulds and should nots" and I can't stop myself from doing it. I feel like my faith must be the size of a quark because I keep getting stuck here and I feel guilty for it.
Weigh-in: 155.0 lb lost so far: 17.0 lb still to go: 15.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   (6 comments) on diet Calorie Count   gaining 4.2 lb a week

04 December 2014

03 December 2014

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