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05 December 2014

It has been incredibly frustrating that seemingly no matter how much I try to lower the bar I set for myself, I still fail to meet it. I haven't been successful yet in charting ALL my food. Invariably I get discouraged when I see how greatly I underestimated something I ate or I will lose track of how much of something I am eating. I am being deliberately mindful now to describe my setbacks not as failures but it largely feels like I an deluding myself and that I may not be able to break free from this cycle. I want to say I can't do it because I am scared it is true and I am tired of making the same bad choices and falling into the same destructive patterns. I don't know if I have the energy to try and part of me is afraid to look and be proven inadequate. It is entirely irrational, I realize, because I assume more responsibility by not doing everything in my power, though I really, REALLY struggle with the idea of not being in control because I am afraid of ending up in a painful situation I cannot my childhood all over again. Surviving that once was hard, what if I am not strong enough to do it twice?

Honesty sometimes feels like my only virtue, but right now it leaves me feeling ashamed because I see myself so much with the 'shoulds and should nots" and I can't stop myself from doing it. I feel like my faith must be the size of a quark because I keep getting stuck here and I feel guilty for it.
Weigh-in: 155.0 lb lost so far: 17.0 lb still to go: 15.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   (6 comments) on diet Calorie Count   gaining 4.2 lb a week

04 December 2014

03 December 2014

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03 December 2014

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02 December 2014

Oh the truth can hurt. I decided for the first few days I am not going to try changing my eating habits. Instead my focus will be to record EVERYTHING I eat, since I have often failed to keep track of what I eat. Honestly it is embarrassing seeing the data from the foods I've eaten because it is so gluttonous. I know better, but this is representative of choices I made against better judgment.

To make this a sustainable change I don't think I can do too many changes at once at have these good habits stick. So baby steps it is. Cognitively I know that THIS is a big part of accountability, exposing one's self to correction and not hiding mistakes. Cognitively I know that generally this is a encouraging community, but facing the truth is terrifying right now because I feel guilty. I am guilty of gluttony and poor food choices, guilty of lack of self control, guilty of being afraid of condemnation because those vices are NOT praiseworthy and are destructive and should not be encouraged. Yet I am still trying to figure out how to separate myself from my choices so that I do not make my identity a culmination of all my past mistakes.

"...the truth shall set you free." Well, G-d, help me to find my freedom in You because I know I should not do these things, but I do, and I can't change them myself without Your help. I have certainly tried enough times to see consistent results in that failure. So help me to stay honest, and then help me to change so that I will no longer be ashamed about what I have eaten and how I have treated my body. Amen.
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