Tulipgirl6's Journal, 10 June 2014

don't do a futuristic budget. Instead do a past expenses budget. Maybe track all expenditures for the past two months and compile them into a budget...three months is best really, it shows patterns, and trends. It will help him to understand the trending line of your spending. Not what you will spend but what you have spent. And then you have to clarify that inflationary rates will only make these expenditures higher over time. Not only do things get more expensive, but children do too...as they get older their clothes cost more, their activities..etc. That may help him to understand. It sounds like he's a business man, if he is, he will understand the salient nature of all those points. and the validity. 

Thank you everyone! There is a lot here for me thing about and digest! My husband said he wants to have a better day today; not like yesterday; I was antsy to go to the gym and was running late, so I asked him if he would watch the baby for 1 1/2 hours; the gym has babysitting but baby's sick and getting him in there would have made me late . ... So I did an invigorating acqua class and the steam room and showered and now I'm back. . . . . It's a crazy few weeks for me; lots of family things going on and the end of school stuff and personal things to take care of . .. . .  

Hang in there tulip. Try to apply some of the suggestions and see what works. Looks like your hubby recognizes that things are not right ..... I hope he will recognize his role so things can change. 

I am having marriages issues as well not the same ones you are having but nevertheless issues. What my husband and I are going to try is to write down a list of things we like about the other person and a list of things about our self that we need to work on. Several people have suggested this. What this hopefully does is get you focus on your husbands good qualities and help you realize what areas in your self needs to be worked on to improve your own life as well as your marriage. We are just starting to do this so I don't know how well it will work but it is worth a try.  

DEBORAHMARIE1, that sounds like a very positive step in the right direction. Sometime we have to accept responsibility for our own issues and fears. Lord knows I have them. I have this on my refrigerator ... I'd be a saint if I could do all of these all the time, so I'll just keep trying. 20 Keys to a Happy Life: 1. Compliment 3 people everyday. 2. Watch a sunrise or a sunset. 3. Be the 1st to say "Hello." 4. Live beneath your means. 5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated. 6. Never give up on anybody ... miracles happen. 7 Forget the Joneses. 8. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage. 9. Be tough-minded, but tender-hearted. 10. Remember someone's name. 11. Be kinder than you have to be. 12. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to be appreciated. 13. Keep your promises. 14. Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don't feel like it. 15. Smile, at yourself in the mirror, and love yourself. 16. Leave everything better than you found it. 17. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do. 18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the 1st thing you say brighten someone's day. 19. Don't rain on people's parades. 20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone that you love them. 

Htown, thanks for that posting.... those 20 things we can all benefit from doing in our lives. So simple and yet so compelling. 

JennBuck61, Aww, thanks, I'm glad you like my 20 things. I have it printed out on my frig. I'm still trying to remember them all. I think that's a good goal! 

Good things to try to live by.  

gosh I itemized my expenses and tried to have a conversation with my husband. the bottom line (according to him) is: he does not make enough money to cover all these expenses; according to me: he does not have a love of life and he is petty, so regardless of income and expenses the attitude stays the same. needless to say, this was not a logical un-emotional conversation. we did not reach any conclusions or make any progress in this arena. i am frustrated and don't feel appreciated. money is power. i wish i had never stopped working. at the time, i thought it was important to raise the kids myself, and still do. i just feel trapped. 

stop beating your self up.  

Progess doesn't happen in a day. You've had the conversation, you've started talking. You now realise that he wasn't blind to the issues, he was just hoping against hope that in spite of the fact that he doesn't make enough money you had found a way to make the dollar stretch into more. Maybe it wasn't a logical un emotional conversation but these conversations aren't! Especially when you are scared of the answers you will find. You've started the dialogue. Continue it, continue it in your head with his responses and see if his responses give you new ideas or help you think outside of the box, have the conversation with him again in a few weeks, but with an understanding that he's as stymied as you are. over time, he will either come around and learn to work with you, or you will learn how to solve it yourself.  

How close do you have to be to your goal before the weight chart turns green? 

I understand the not having enough money to cover some things. Those are sacrifices my husband and I chose to make so that I could stay home with our boys. We budget out per paycheck amounts that can be spent on basically everything and anything that isn't a bill. There is never enough money to do everything you want but if you are careful with money, prioritize and watch for deals on what you do want- there is normally enough for what's important to you. Money is power but it's possible that he is being honest and there just isn't enough as far as he can figure out. Sit down and figure out what you do, realistically, have to work with and see how to make that work for what you want. It's nearly impossible to pay for everything you want. But even on the tightest budget you can make things work if you are really careful and thrifty about it. You can work life out with nearly any amount of money if you try hard enough- that's something I've learned. You may have to get creative and show your husband how befor he'll to feel more comfortable with it though. I'm one of those people who is ok at a lot of things but not really good at anything. However, everyone who knows me knows I am good at making money work out. I've helped a lot of family and friends (and some family and friends of family and friends, lol) with their budgets and if you are really unsure how to start or what's realistic feel free to message me. 

thank you everyone; i am still trying to digest all the comments; my hubby losing his job also happened to come after we moved into a new house and I started to pay a little more attention to myself. i have been giving and giving to others for so long, i just wanted to give to myself a little bit! i know it's not the best time to spend on myself on these extra things like the gym / trainer / better food etc . . . .but I also feel like he is very conservative and has coveted some savings; he goes out for coffee in the mornings and lunch; he is honestly a difficult and oppositional guy so while I understand the logic of it all, that is just the tip of the iceberg and there is so much more to it . . . . 

See if he can watch the kids so you can have some alone time - an hour or two does wonders! Also see if a friend can watch the kids - and you will watch theirs later - and have some mommy and daddy time - it can be just a walk. I have been exactly where you are now. Today things are much different - I am the one working and my husband stays home. the pressure to provide for the family is incredible - that may be driving him to work so much. 

I echo the notion that hubby might be intimidated by your weight loss. Your hubby sounds like my dad. I was the only teenaged girl in my social group who had to ask permission to open the refrigerator in my own home. We were also given strict rules about toilet paper. Seven "squares at a time." We laugh about these things now but - inside - they are not so funny. Keep the faith, Sister. We believe in you! Be good to yourself. Sometimes you are all you've got. Your kids will be so proud! 

If I'm remembering right he is still job hunting. Really tough to figure out a budget when your normal income is gone. Together you might have to make some heavy cuts till a new job is secured. Losing a job is a major ego blow to most men, he may be having a really rough time handling that, more than he will admit.  

Wholefood ... I think you have a point about job loss and ego. Tulip: Hang in there "This too shall pass".