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FYI: This ended up being much longer than I anticipated. Hopefully it will be encouraging for those who are willing to take the time to read it, though I will try in the future not to get too wordy.
This past weekend was rather nice-- a dramatic step up from the previous weekend where I allowed myself to get caught up on detrimental thinking and made a lot of small,short term/ short sighted, foolish choices. The highlights from this weekend though were being able to see my elder daughter's first dance recital (she did so well; I am one proud mama!!! :-D ) and going to church on Sunday. I missed church last Sunday, and I should know by now that that will ALWAYS negatively impact my week. I don't refer to myself as such, but I am a Christian. There is something fundamentally and qualitatively different about faith in the triune god of the Bible, the G-d of Israel that presents many challenges both to adherents and non-adherents alike. It is a counter-cultural way of life that will not settle for compromise. As a gentile, I remember reading a passage of Torah in Deuteronomy after the children of Israel had been given the Law and Moses was explaining to them the agenda for their next steps as a newly independent, displaced nation en route to take over the land of their inheritance in Canaan (modern day Israel, as well as large parts of Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Sudan, etc.) The passage was Deuteronomy 4.
"5 See, I have taught you statutes and rules, as the Lord my God commanded me, that you should do them in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. 6 Keep them and do them, for that will be your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples, who, when they hear all these statutes, will say, ‘Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.’ 7 For what great nation is there that has a god so near to it as the Lord our God is to us, whenever we call upon him? 8 And what great nation is there, that has statutes and rules so righteous as all this law that I set before you today?" (Deuteronomy 4:5-8 ESV, emphasis mine)
As a new Christian I remember marveling at that passage because of the truth of it in my life. 2 of the 3 people who witnessed to me before I became a Believer are Jews. They knew I had been raised Roman Catholic and I knew they cared about me as a friend. I had been in a dark time in my life when I met them and when I faced a crisis they challenged my faith, repeatedly confronting me with examples of what I had believed as a Catholic was in conflict with the Bible and showing me the reliability of the Biblical text.
Therefore, to actually make this faith a way of life and not just an unprofitable, empty religion of lip service there has to be a deliberate effort to keep the evidence in sight. (This is part of the reason mainstream orthodox Jews have tefillin and phalactery- the bindings on their foreheads and hands with little scrolls inside- because these outward symbols are supposed to be a reminder of the reason they are set apart and what that quality of being set apart means.) Christian faith doesn't happen by accident and Christian living isn't something you can stumble into- it's not normative to our first nature. In other words, you can't drift towards holiness/ G-dliness, and if you don't have regular reminders about what/ Who G-d's Way is, what you drift towards is dysfunction. That's what I found myself doing last weekend.
This past Sunday though felt so wonderful because what makes the "good news" so fantastic is that in spite of how many times I screw up, I know I won't be abandoned. As a survivor of emotional neglect during my childhood, this is HUGE. No reason to fear. No fear of rejection! No fear of abandonment! I am accepted- just as I am. But better than that, I am being rejuvenated and cleansed so while I am accepted, I am not stuck as I am, I am improving and being perfected, being made better than before. This is incredibly exciting/ encouraging to me. Seeing it actually happen in my life, it makes the words I read something even more precious and wonderful because it reminds me that it is not only historically accurate but also currently valid and constantly trustworthy.
I am continually amazed seeing what G-d has done for me and in me. This weekend was another sweet reminder/ glimpse of that. A decade ago I was a completely different person with many more insecurities who was less functional and more angry, depressed and hopeless. A decade ago I was trying to throw everything I had at looking "normal" on the outside so that I wouldn't have to face being ostracized by my peers and being lonely. The first time I took the written test to try and get a learner's permit in order to be able to drive was a decade ago--and I failed. However, by the grace of G-d, I've passed the permit test, passed driver's ed, fulfilled the prerequisites for and then passed the road skills test to get a provisional license (MD has a graduated licensing system...I won't have a full license until the probationary period is completed in about 15 months.), been able to get a car (which I am wowed about because it was nicer than anything I was hoping for/ expecting; DH got it for me because it's a robust vehicle with a really good safety rating with relatively low mileage. It's an '02, so it's newer than anything I've ever had before. :P). And for the first time ever, I got to drive it on Sunday!!! :) I drove to church with my girls (DH stayed home because he was feeling yucky due to a cold. :( ), and it wasn't as scary as I had feared.
It was tricky, and I made rookie mistakes, but I did it and I think I did a decent job! I know I can improve and I feel happy knowing that I believe I can be a good driver because I was afraid that I wouldn't be. I was afraid that I would be more clumsy, but so far I am doing ok. I am taking it slowly, doing my best to pay attention to my surroundings and stay calm. I've committed to being late rather than being unsafe and I feel good about my progress so far. (Part of my route to church involves the highway, including I-95, which is a major interstate highway. On my way home I wasn't sure if I could safely merge onto I-95 from the highway I had been on, so I found myself forced down the exit ramp away from where I wanted to go. I knew it was better to do that than try and merge in because late is better than dead. It took a few extra minutes to get to a place where I could turn around and go the right direction homeward, but I was able to adjust my car settings better and the traffic on the highway was easier the second time around so I successfully merged and made it home safe!! :-D !!!!) G-d is so good! :)
(I noticed a typo. O_o :P)
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