FullaBella's Journal, 12 February 2014

Wednesday - February 12th - and the sun is shining in Bellawood today. Temperatures in the mid 40's and I hope we do see the mid 60's predicted for Saturday as I have a new Spring blouse and pair of sandals I'm hoping to be able to wear comfortably to the theater. This is the quarterly 'boutique, lunch & theater' outing with Grace. Crossing my fingers we both remain in good health - I am really looking forward to a great day.

Not so sun-shiny emotionally - I'm having a day that began with tears thinking about Cutty. It's still lingering despite my best grin & bear it smile and as I told Stick when he dropped by earlier to visit, 'If you make me cry I'm gonna punch you in the arm!' I was reflecting how those last two days of his life I felt, I knew, it was coming but I couldn't bring myself to voice 'goodbye' out loud. I just didn't want to admit it. I kept expecting him to rally once again.

As for the 'most romantic day of the year' now counting down to less than 48 hours away: no plans. Work, maybe a pedicure. Kaddy has asked me to join her and another pathetic lonely friend of hers (lol) for dinner and drinks Friday night. Maybe I 'should' accept. I'll email her and see if the offer is still open.

I'm beginning to think ... I need a vacation. A real one. Not a 'couple of days off because it's a holiday' or 'taking this week off to process my husband's death' but a real honest to goodness close the store, turn off the phones and just take a few mini trips around to blow off some dust vacation. I'm going to work on that - have a plan, an agenda, otherwise I'd just go flop on the hotel bed somewhere and I can do that 'here'. I'm thinking maybe some day trips into the City for a museum or two; maybe even a night at the ballet or opera with an overnight at one of those fancy hotels. Things I've never done but realize it's necessary to get me out of this rut of 'oh, waah, I don't want to drive all the way to There because it's 45 minutes one way ...' type thinking. But I also know I'm also still processing grief and running away right now isn't the answer. I may need my first 'outing' to begin with that grief counseling group I so continue to avoid.

Cutty was the Captain of Spontaneity when it came to traveling. Within the first month we were married I learned to keep a 'go bag' packed in the trunk at all times that included jeans, dress slacks and an evening dress as there was no telling where we'd end up. Something as simple as asking me if I wanted to go with him to get a pack of cigarettes would find us eight hours away and me trying to find a K-Mart open at 2am because I hopped in the car without shoes. I used to joke he was either just that wild or really bad at directions. But over the years his illness and the exhaustion left in it's wake drained the adventurism right out of us. That and age (maturity). No more winging it. No more driving to San Diego with four bald tires and $50 in cash. Age is the killer of stupid youthful behavior, isn't it?

So the annual Lab work results are in: 'really good - even improved over last year'. That was the medical review from the Doc - who by coincidence came into my shop to do business with me today. I wanted to give her a magazine and ask her to wait and could have started by returning the National Geographic I brought home from her office on Monday. My cholesterol is even lower than previous testing a year ago and I consider that quite interesting as I really indulged my love of real butter this past year. All those years of avoiding it for the sake of cholesterol... bleh!

I did not make it to Yoga last night - I was so cold I ached all over and the thought of crossing the threshold into even more cold was too much to bear. So I cooked a couple of filet mignons (one for me, one for Ms. Mushy) and chopped mine as well as a hot baked potato on top of a a cold tomato & pepper salad tossed with balsamic vinegar. I'd not eaten all day so it was delicious. Later I had some oatmeal and the last leftover flakey biscuit after soaking in a hot bath. I slept pretty well last night.

Soaking in the tub I reflected on this Winter and the weather; it seems to be lasting forever although today reminded me we'd had temperatures warm enough to grill outside just a couple of weeks ago. Last night though I stood in the doorway watching Mushy potty and looked at my sad pathetic little yard and cringed as I remember the beautiful green vines and flowers of the Summer. I reminded myself 'they'll come back.' But I wondered what it would have been like to be processing all this grief during warmer temperatures. Would I still feel as cold and empty or would the weather at least help me wade through all of this a little easier? Would I feel less 'knotted up' to be relaxing out on the deck instead of huddled in a tub? I laughed at Cutty and chastised him for not passing at more weather friendly time. But I know, pain is pain. This summer will trigger sad memories too; probably even moreso when his hummingbirds return to feed.

What else is going on here? Seems the kitchen faucet needs to be replaced so I'll go to Lowes to pick one out for the plumber to install after I file my 2013 income taxes tonight (if it doesn't take too much out of me). Here's hoping for a healthy refund and I not fall victim to identity theft again this year, aye?

Crazy busy day starting with Mushy riding to the pharmacy with me this morning then browsing the shelves at Staples. I remember when I worked in the corporate world the monthly Office Depot catalog was like Christmas always looking for the latest cool gadgets. Seems a million years ago. Then we returned home and walked to the market to pick up fixings for chili but no chili meat so resorted to plan B: chicken soup. Blondie's husband stopped by to tell me the reason they were home today is because she wrecked her car last night. I won't even TRY to understand how she was driving so fast she lost control of her car on a corner less than half a block from her home; that must have been SOME wheel spinning. She crunched up the front of her car and knocked bricks and plumbing out of the building she hit. Can you say 'road rage'? Hmmm.

Thank you for stopping to visit with me. Your friendship, kindness and support are so valuable to me - better than a dozen white roses.

Bella