FullaBella's Journal, 16 July 2013

I feel as if I'm sitting in front of an 'all you can type journal buffet' today. So many things happening and lingering with me that I want to get out of my head. Journaling has helped me so much over the past ...nine months? Interesting. Women give birth to babies in that time. How appropriate as I've practically given birth to a new me through the journaling.

We had storms most of yesterday but the sun returned this morning enabling me to enjoy my coffee and Sudoku puzzle out on the deck. When some residual rain held in the patio umbrella splashed down on Mushy and me I had to factor a little 'special effect' into my 'ocean liner cruise fantasy'. I've never been on a cruise so I don't know if the waves could even splash that high short of the Titanic.

Well, I've stared at the buffet long enough. I guess I'll pick the steak as I've been chewing over this topic the most: the human mind and power of faith.

I'm not sure if I this is the wild child or if there's someone new to recognize and reconcile but I'm thinking about the voice of the subconscious sabatoger. The villian who creeps into my sleeping dreams with such vivid presence that it manages to linger in my thoughts and influence my waking hours. I've experienced it many times but will address the most recent from Sunday night.

It had to do with the boutique shopping experience. I dreamed I regained a lot of weight and was enduring public scorn as the only thing that fit was a pair of shoes. I woke yesterday with the residue of that dream shadowing my thoughts; even journaling of the positive didn't shake it. I felt anxious and wanted to eat and by the end of the day I'd done so several times when not genuinely hungry. My inner voice asked 'are you trying to make that dream a reality?'

I crawled into bed last night and decided to break the dream down as if a therapist had asked 'what do you think it means and what do you plan to do about it?'

My diagnosis: the anxiety in the dream was energy wasted at a time when I should be resting. My conclusion: The Past may be Prologue but a Wrinkle in Time can change the future and I've certainly experienced my share of those.

I fell asleep last night mixing my prayers with varying phrases similar to, "I am doing well and my dreams will reflect the same. I shall not have that dream again nor let worry invade my rest." Although I woke as usual at 3am I was able to return to sleep and today feel I have regained my comfort with food.

I tried this same process last week with a different 'anxiety' dream I'd had far too many times to count; it has worked but in my 'talk' then I'd been specific about 'that' dream as well.

So I shall now modify this phrase to include with my prayers: 'I am doing well, my dreams will reflect the same. I shall dream only of peace and happiness so that I wake rested and positive'.

My friend says she feels dreams are just a way of letting the brain 'defrag' itself at night; like a computer. I tried to let mine do the same but I'm tired of it affecting my 'prime time.' I am going to try something new and have the faith it will work.



I envy people who pray. I'm glad that it helps people but it does nothing for me. I was raised Catholic and did my share as a child and an adult but came to realize, for me at least that it just didn't do it anymore. I do think that your mantra at bedtime is a good idea though when going to sleep. I may try something similar and let you know. How can positive thoughts hurt?  
16 Jul 13 by member: cjmurph
I have never been on a cruise either...don't think I ever will..not with all the news on what goes on any more...I'm not to fond of sinking or getting sick from someone that gets on and spreads it around..or getting stuck out there in the middle of no where with out a toilet or clean water to drink or food ....I used to dream that someone would steal my purse or I would leave it somewhere and can't find it...I finally stopped the dream by looking down where I had it and it would be there..then I can go back to sleep...I heard you can control that dream if you try...so far so good..no lost purse in quite a while..:O)...Have a great day...:O) 
16 Jul 13 by member: BHA
I believe that dreams can certainly reveal our inner hidden agendas. Yours reminds me of the alcohol dreams I’ve had since getting sober. In the program, we call them “drunk dreams” even if we aren’t actually drunk, just the fact that alcohol is imbibed in the dream makes it a “drunk dream”. And when I’ve had them, I have woken with a “hangover” of sorts, or just a sense of “guilt” that I screwed up my sobriety. Sometimes it’s just, as you say, anxiety. The way I dealt with anxiety (or anger or fear or joy or contentment or just about any strong emotion) for so many, many years, was to drink it away, eat it away, stuff it in any way possible. Now that I’m taking those coping mechanisms away, my subconscious wants to say: look, we know that would make this anxiety or discomfort disappear, let me just indulge a little here on my own. But as I integrate the different sides & parts of me, I realize that the subconscious can’t do things that won’t affect the conscious. It all needs attention and integration…a day at a time, a step at a time… a dream at a time… Wishing you sweet dreams, fulfilling and empowering.  
16 Jul 13 by member: Sweet Ce
My Angel of course journals the reminder I so need right now -- the power of prayer -- something else my detour has taken me away from. Good for you for figuring it out so quickly. You inspire me again! Xoxoxo 
16 Jul 13 by member: Ruhu
Your journals are always so thought provoking, it sometimes takes me time to respond so please don't think I am ignoring you, sometimes I am thinking (can you smell the smoke from my brain overworking :). I think you handled the dream situation absolutely rightly (is that the way to say that?) You are processing everything while you sleep especially the stuff you aren't always aware of or can't express. So I think expressing to yourself, your subconscious, that you will only accept the good stuff in dreams is a positive thing and hopefully will continue to work for you. We have a lot of demons, some of us do, I know I do, and sometimes we bury them so deep that the only way they can make their presence known is through our subconscious and that catches us by surprise. Let me know if your prayer/mantra works, I so hope it does. I remember after my mum died, I used to dream about her and they were horrible dreams, violent and hurtful. I finally had to ask her to stop visiting me, if that's what it was, and it actually worked. I haven't dreamed of mum since then. I didn't want to remember her like that. So as I said I hope your solution works for you. You are definitely on a quest my girl and you are definitely rebirthing yourself (on this 9 month so far journey) and I hope and pray too that this is the last rebirth you have to go through. That this time the lessons you have taught yourself, painfully sometimes, stick with you and that you never have to go through the pain of weight gain and weight loss again. Birth is never easy Bella, but the pains are so rewarding when you see the end product and you my darling are so worth all your. effort.  
17 Jul 13 by member: sarahsmum
@ CJ - yep, sometimes thinking positive feels fake and sometimes it feels real. Prayer can sometimes feel that way for me too but when it does I stop and think about it until I find the genuine again. @Bren - your comments about cruises are verbatim my same comments hence why I do them from my deck; I know those situations are rare in the overall population of total cruises else they'd never make the news but still..@ Ce - nodding, thank you, I did wake several times last night and would just start the dialogue again ala 'I am doing well, I'm at peace, now I need to rest peacefully' and would fall back to sleep @Angel - sometimes when the prayer seems stale for me I just lean back on faith @Isabel - I never feel you ignore me my friend. With all that you have in front of you right now I'm honored you find the time to stop by at all much less respond. I am so praying this works for me because I have about a dozen dreams similar to your 'mother's' dreams that I'd like to stop once and for all; it's time. Thanks again everyone. 
17 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella


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