SELouisiana's Journal, 26 April 2013

(WARNING! CONTAINS CRAVING STORY. EXPLICIT!!!)

TGIF!!! Looooong week this has been. Very glad it's coming to a conclusion very soon and work will slow down. Only exercised 2 days this week but staying focused with counting my calories though. Feeling really positive going into this weekend actually.

Had a few cravings earlier this week that I havent had in months! I was like wha-?? I wanted a Hershey's cookies and cream candy bar.....not the regular sized one.... the giant one that you can find at dollar stores (yes...it's like 6 regular candy bars melted into one except I wanted to buy 15 of them...not 20 bc thats just being a pig of course but only 15 giant bars bc that sounded like a better number in my head to buy)...I had it all figured out...the time, the place, (bc i thought abt it throughout the day of course)...all I needed to do was *act*.

What i used to do was go right before this one particular dollar store closed up (to give myself time to change my mind of course not because it was dark out...) at 8:50(pm) to buy 10 (GIANT) bars at a time. Only the bars...nothing else was in the plan..in and out quickly before i buy more than 10 bars of course. I would travel at high speeds to get there before closing time...sometimes running red lights bc i only had a few minutes before they closed at 9pm. Quickly go to the beautiful aisle...spot my particular "fix"...grab 5 in each hand...make my way to do the transaction very quickly b4 anyone saw me. Once i got home..."the safe place"...i'd eat the first 6 giant bars within the first 30 minutes. I would gobble down the last 4 within another hour after that. And then do it again a couple days later (....because that's really the most perfect way to do it...I mean my goodness thats the only way *I* roll). It would just feel great until the next morning when I awoke and would feel like "hungover"...I dont know how else to describe it. Hungover on giant candy bars. That's funny and sad at the same time.

Ok sooooooo....that's PURE insanity! Those bars are like Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory size! Like literally each one looks like it could have been a real prop on that movie (well maybe if you stuck a giant stick at the bottom of it...for cinematic purposes of course). When i actually think about how the store cashier used to look at me smiling without judgements typing "10" into the register (since i was a frequent customer) and swiping just one bar to ring them all up (me wondering if i put 12 in front of her next time...would she just type 10 again?....hmmm...then quickly refocusing on the transaction). With her mentioning her "thing" was ice cream while I handed her my *exact* change for the purchase. That tidbit of info made me not feel so bad for creeping in the night to get my giant candy bar fix for a second...until i realized cookies and cream ice cream was my "thing" too...but that purchase was done at another store of course. I was out of friggin control...out of my mind...insane...a mad woman. Like seriously who does that kind of stuff? Who behaves like that? These are the questions I posed to God, Jesus, and Mary too at that time. They all answered and said, "You, dear. So stop doing it."

Of course I did NOT act on my cravings this week at all but it was just so weird bc I havent wanted one (like that...) in forever. It was a harsh reminder that this will be a very mentally "colorful" journey for me lol. I dont mind though.

Feeling positive AND focused. :D
on diet Calorie Count  

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Dear god, are you me? I would do this shameful thing, but with McFlurries at McDonalds. I'd order one before I got my friend's house. Gobble it down. Then eat another one later. Usually from the same cashier. And when I say gobbled, I would stuff that s##t down my throat in less than 2 blocks. Isn't that horrible? I keep telling myself I gotta fix my crazies. If that makes any sense. I'm halfway through my goal and I still have these cravings. Like right now, I want a McFlurry like nobody's business. Do those things have crack in them? They must. I am proud that you did not indulge in your craving. It's a vicious system of gorge and guilt. All this hard work and "sacrifice" must and will pay off. Stay strong, friend.  
26 Apr 13 by member: meganbarkley
Love that you gave such detail to the act of doing it; I believe if we all did that more we'd realize how silly we look wolfing down things fast like a magic trick. Unfortunately the 'thing' may disappear from the shelves and our hands but always ends up in our bodies. I can suck an oreo cookie out of the package on the shelf in the pantry and never miss a step. Weird. I do it best when I'm asleep even. I'm going to start thinking more about it so my subconscious and tell my conscious to 'knock it off!' 
26 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
LOL! Everybody got their something. I actually almost forgot to put a warning for people still in beginning stages of their journey but I have it at the top now. I just wanted to get it out in my journal so I could really stay aware that this craving was pure insanity. Gotta keep a close eye on my thoughts and check them every now and again. :)  
26 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana
Everyone has some form of addiction and ours is food otherwise we wouldn't be in our positions. I do get hangovers from too much choc and sugar, I believe this happened when I got pregnant as I was sick, very sick, lost 25kg (fantastic) but I put most of it back on. It is a mental thing, as addictions are and it is hard, anyone who says it isn't doesn't understand. I have lsot close to 40kg since Jan 2012 but since this Jan I have been up and down within 2kg, very depressing. I do have health issues and having a colonscopy TUesday (how wonderful), was meant to get one back in 2000 but moved and never followed up. Also seeing a dietician just to help get things under control. At this stage we are waiting for the surgery results however at this stage it looks that I am fructose intolerant and lactose intolerant. I am not sure about gluten as I don't eat alot of pasta, rice or bread and the only bread I find I can eat is Burgen (dense and grainy). My fav food addictions are cakes/pastries and cheese/crackers. I do love a very high quality chocolate and now I find the darker the chocolate the worse I feel (as long as I only a wee bit). I also see a pyscholoogist to help find strategies that work for me. I must sound like a mess lol. I guess I have got to the stage that I need to take responsibility for my health and life. I don't want the past dictating how my present and future will be  
27 Apr 13 by member: elk2804
Many of us have been there. I know I have. Seeing things like this in writing makes it look REALLY bad - it's amazing that we can't see it while we're in the act of doing it. Wow. Thanks for sharing. Your journal makes us see that we're not the only ones, and hopefully this makes you see that YOU are not the only one. I'm glad you're here to work on it, because there's a whole other life at the end of the tunnel. Well done.  
27 Apr 13 by member: kingkeld
GREAT JOB resisting that urge. You are free! 
27 Apr 13 by member: HCB
Had to visit this again - it's like a confessional on crazy eating. When I would binge in the past I couldn't do what you did - just get all 10 at one time. Instead of calling Pappa Johns and ordering 3 large pizza's I'd call 3 different delivery's. Dumb now that I think about it and wonder if the delivery guys passed each other in the hallways like satisfied john's or something. Sometimes when I was traveling I'd order room service, then a pizza delivery, then another place delivery. And that would be just the precursor to getting in the car to driving around to 3-4 different places. Crazy crazy crazy.  
27 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Elk2804, you are so right when you say, "Dont let the past dictate your future." WISE WORDS! Thank you for that. Oh! Dont forget to check my response on your page. Good luck on your surgery! :D 
27 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana
Thanks Kingkeld! Im just standing in my truth. :D 
27 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana
Thanks HCB! I really try to meditate everyday and that really helps me have a sense of "freedom". :D 
27 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana
FullaBella, its just great that we can see it for what it truly, truly is today. I do not desire to go back to that place in my head again. Today is so much better...and healthier. :D 
27 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana

     
 

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