SELouisiana's Journal, 26 April 2013

(WARNING! CONTAINS CRAVING STORY. EXPLICIT!!!)

TGIF!!! Looooong week this has been. Very glad it's coming to a conclusion very soon and work will slow down. Only exercised 2 days this week but staying focused with counting my calories though. Feeling really positive going into this weekend actually.

Had a few cravings earlier this week that I havent had in months! I was like wha-?? I wanted a Hershey's cookies and cream candy bar.....not the regular sized one.... the giant one that you can find at dollar stores (yes...it's like 6 regular candy bars melted into one except I wanted to buy 15 of them...not 20 bc thats just being a pig of course but only 15 giant bars bc that sounded like a better number in my head to buy)...I had it all figured out...the time, the place, (bc i thought abt it throughout the day of course)...all I needed to do was *act*.

What i used to do was go right before this one particular dollar store closed up (to give myself time to change my mind of course not because it was dark out...) at 8:50(pm) to buy 10 (GIANT) bars at a time. Only the bars...nothing else was in the plan..in and out quickly before i buy more than 10 bars of course. I would travel at high speeds to get there before closing time...sometimes running red lights bc i only had a few minutes before they closed at 9pm. Quickly go to the beautiful aisle...spot my particular "fix"...grab 5 in each hand...make my way to do the transaction very quickly b4 anyone saw me. Once i got home..."the safe place"...i'd eat the first 6 giant bars within the first 30 minutes. I would gobble down the last 4 within another hour after that. And then do it again a couple days later (....because that's really the most perfect way to do it...I mean my goodness thats the only way *I* roll). It would just feel great until the next morning when I awoke and would feel like "hungover"...I dont know how else to describe it. Hungover on giant candy bars. That's funny and sad at the same time.

Ok sooooooo....that's PURE insanity! Those bars are like Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory size! Like literally each one looks like it could have been a real prop on that movie (well maybe if you stuck a giant stick at the bottom of it...for cinematic purposes of course). When i actually think about how the store cashier used to look at me smiling without judgements typing "10" into the register (since i was a frequent customer) and swiping just one bar to ring them all up (me wondering if i put 12 in front of her next time...would she just type 10 again?....hmmm...then quickly refocusing on the transaction). With her mentioning her "thing" was ice cream while I handed her my *exact* change for the purchase. That tidbit of info made me not feel so bad for creeping in the night to get my giant candy bar fix for a second...until i realized cookies and cream ice cream was my "thing" too...but that purchase was done at another store of course. I was out of friggin control...out of my mind...insane...a mad woman. Like seriously who does that kind of stuff? Who behaves like that? These are the questions I posed to God, Jesus, and Mary too at that time. They all answered and said, "You, dear. So stop doing it."

Of course I did NOT act on my cravings this week at all but it was just so weird bc I havent wanted one (like that...) in forever. It was a harsh reminder that this will be a very mentally "colorful" journey for me lol. I dont mind though.

Feeling positive AND focused. :D