|
I have been away a couple of days, up to no good. I overate terribly for 2 days. I am still paying for it. I ate a lot of stuff with malitol, and I have been having terrible digestive issues for the past two days. I should learn, but I don't. I actually don't feel too bad - I had 11 good days before my 2 days of screw up. That may not sound like a lot, but usually I can only go about 3 weeks without having a "cheat" day, so it wasn't too bad. I am wearing a pair of grey pants that I battled for months to get into, and now they are falling off of my hips. They've gotten larger on me markedly within the last month. I have had a lot on my mind recently. I looked up my ex boyfriend on Facebook, and I was shocked by what I saw. He told me several years ago that he weighed 397 pounds, but this is the first time I have seen him in a long time. He looks very, very, very large. He is also covered in hair - unkempt long hair, a huge beard and moustache. He seems covered in flesh, fat and hair. Years ago, I thought he was beautiful - this was back when he was 6'3", about 225 pounds. Now it is like he has covered himself in his weight and that hair. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know that I can do anything. He got in touch with me a couple of years ago and acted like if we got back together, he would lose the weight. Well, I didn't bite, and I haven't heard from him since. Part of it was that he rejected me - when he saw a recent picture of me from 2 years ago, he stopped pursuing me. He told me that I used to have a "wonderful ass", and when he saw how much bigger it was, he was no longer interested. Now that I've lost the weight I have, I was curious as to what was going on with him. He's exactly the same, if not worse. I don't feel any romantic feelings for him anymore, but I wish I could help him. I want to know what has happened to him in his life that would cause him to do this to himself. I know exactly why I gained all of my weight in the past decade. I was not emotionally invested in my life. I felt like the best part of my life was behind me, and working toward anything was pointless. So I thought, well,my life is not going to get any better, so I might as well eat exactly what I want when I want, and not worry about managing my health or my body at all. I smoked cigarettes, just like the food, an addiction, and I didn't care, either. I just didn't care. Sometimes I still feel like that - I don't feel tremendously emotionally invested in my life. I have made all of these changes, but it's really because I was scared of the diabetes. I gave up all feeling of competition with other people, particularly other women, a long time ago. I haven't felt like I wanted to compete for anything, against anyone, in about ten years. It's odd living without the urge to "do better than" others. But I think that's something that is good, in terms of my lifestyle change. I watch what I eat and I lose weight because I want to take care of my health and I know I'm getting older and I want to have a healthy prognosis with being diabetic and with what is coming healthwise in a few years not so far away. The looking good and being more attractive is gravy. I just feel like at the age of 40, I am not in the same mindset as I was when I was in my 20's and it was important to me to compete with other women to be more attractive, or to be as attractive as I could without a model's, a cheerleader's or a pageant queen's body. (These are the three things that are considered the most attractive a woman can be here in the Midwest, and the model's standard of attractiveness is more like a Victoria's Secret or a Sports Illustrated model, not a high fashion runway model). It just feels different this time around. I don't spite other women anything for being attractive. I want to look attractive, but equally as much I want to be fit and healthy, in great condition. I am inspired by NBA basketball players, wanting to be a fit-ass, salad eating machine. But back to my ex-boyfriend - over 400 pounds. I don't know that I could help him. I just don't know how someone gets to that point. I guess my own point was bad enough - 220 pounds. Almost 100 pounds overweight. I found it interesting that when I started looking at BMI charts, my weight and my height would have qualified me for bariatric surgery. Can you even imagine???? That's how bad it was for me. I never want to go back there again. And I know how easy it is. If I ate whatever I wanted for a week, I would gain 5 pounds. I bet I could put on 20 pounds in a month, 6 weeks maybe. Then it would just be onward and upward from there. I just didn't care. I didn't care how bad it was because I figured I was already fat, and being fatter didn't scare me. It was already so bad being at my weight, another 10, another 20 pounds didn't seem like a drastic future, it just seemed like more of the same. I guess that is how he feels. And I can't change that. I certainly cannot be the big fat carrot on the stick to make him want to change. I cannot offer myself to him on the contingency that he do something about his weight. I don't have those kind of feelings for him anymore. I feel like there's no way I could deal with him without him wanting that. So there's REALLY nothing I could do. I just wish I could, and I know I can't. It's just so amazingly sad. And it made me realize how fleeting a physical appearance is. Most people will never look like they did when they were in their 20's. It slips away in fat, in smoking, in hard living. Even most thin people look drawn and different in their 30's and 40's. It is so fleeting, so temporary. I don't know where I am going with this, it has just been on my mind the past couple of days. Thanks for reading.
Diet Calendar Entries for 04 February 2013:
|
1449 kcal
|
Fat: 50.46g | Prot: 86.76g | Carb: 180.40g.
Breakfast: Smuckers sugar free apricot preserves, Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat Bread, Frozen Strawberries great value, Oikos plain greek yogurt. Lunch: reduced fat string cheese, red delicious apples, red bell pepper, Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat Bread, celery, egg whites, Miracle Whip Free, chicken breast. Dinner: reduced fat feta cheese, roma tomato, kraft light italian dressing, red onion, croutons, romaine lettuce, cucumber. Snacks/Other: Hunt's Sugar Free, Atkins Endulge nutty fudge brownie, baby carrots, Sabra Hummus. more...
|
|
3240 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 58 minutes, Exercise machine (fast) - 28 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 35 minutes, Desk Work - 6 hours, Driving - 2 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 5 hours and 29 minutes. more...
|
|