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Ugh. I wasn't going to write a journal today mostly because I'm not feeling particularly upbeat. Practice kindness. Practice kindness. It is a good day for me to practice kindness towards myself.
So here is the confession. Bless me for I have sinned. It has been XXX days since my last confession (and I'm not even Catholic!!). I ate an entire peach cobbler last night. It was on sale at Wal-mart. I should know better. Bob doesn't even like cobbler. And, if that wasn't bad enough I woke up in the middle of the night and had two tortillas (okay they were whole wheat and low carb but I put real butter on them) and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh don't bother looking at my food journal ... it isn't in there. I'm feeling very uncomfortable about a few things that aren't really topics for conversation here in a public forum. I realized (after I ate all that stuff) that I was on automatic pilot (old tapes) to eat away my uncomfortableness. It didn't help that I was very tired too ... I am always in danger of overeating when I am overtired.
So ... I didn't weigh (Info ... I know ... danger!!!). Today is a new day though and I had a decent breakfast (no skipping meals because I overate the day before ... I know that sets me up big time), packed good foods to eat through the day, and have a decent dinner planned. I also mentioned to my husband that I need to talk through and process the things that I am feeling uncomfortable about. Makes me sad that I did what I did to myself but it is a wonderful opportunity for me to really embrace how important practicing kindness to myself is. It is relatively easy to be kind to myself when things are going well. Not so easy when I have engaged in behavior that I know is not healthy for me.
That said. I do know I am still fine. I am so glad I woke up and got a clue before this pattern took hold again!!! This is such an old, old, deeply entrenched pattern ... something I have done for most of my life without much consciousness. I decided to share it because it keeps me real. I'm probably not the only person in the world who does stuff like this. Maybe me being real will help someone else feel less crazy. Maybe me being real with help ME to feel less crazy!! LOL.
One of my buddies brought to my attention some of the forum exchanges that have been going on here and I read some last night. That made me sad too. People who seem to rub each other the wrong way. I guess I'm an eternal optimist and perhaps it is a professional hazard that I look beyond the 'words' that people use and wonder about what their intentions are instead. The words we use do have impact though ... substantial impact. Email and posting online has the unfortunate shortcoming of not being able to hear intonation, not read body language, no facial expressions ... just words. Me? I am always mortified if I think there is even a remote possibility that I unintentionally offended someone here!! Ask some of my buddies ... I have been known to PM them when they post something about having a problem with someone here on the site and ask ... did I say something wrong? LOL!! And I have been offended too on occasion. Fortunately for me ... those few times have been remedied quickly with a follow up message from the person clarifying their message. Don't know why I felt the need to ramble on about this ... guess it is just how I'm feeling today.
Seems like a good day for me to think about being grateful ...
1. I am very grateful that it came to mind to me that I was overeating for a reason ... and that even though I consumed way more calories than I needed ... I realize that I do not need to repeat it and I can deal with things by being REAL instead.
2. I am grateful for having the ability to feel. Even though I do not 'enjoy' feeling sad I am grateful that I can feel sad.
3. I am grateful for the never-ending support my buddies here on fatsecret give me. That even though I am embarassed to share with you all my binge of yesterday evening/night ... I know that you will not think less of me.
4. I am grateful that the sun is shining and the unbelievably brisk winds that were blowing yesterday appear to have calmed.
5. I am grateful for KNOWING that this journey I am on doesn't have an end. Grateful that I do realize that one evening/night of eating everything that wasn't nailed down doesn't mean failure, doesn't need to equate to being fat, or a bad person, or really anything other than I chose a behavior and fully engaged in it before becoming fully aware of what was going on with me.
Yes my friends. I will, no I AM practicing kindness towards myself. Being unkind to myself leads to gaining massive amounts of weight. Not doing that. Not going there. NO WAY!!! Now it is time to focus on work. Take care of yourselves!!!
Diet Calendar Entries for 13 July 2010:
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1150 kcal
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Fat: 28.78g | Prot: 85.44g | Carb: 161.59g.
Breakfast: large egg, water, fat free shredded cheese, La Tortilla Factory Low Carb Tortilla. Lunch: cottage cheese, Whole Wheat Sandwich Thins, Jarlsberg Lite, white turkey meat. Snacks/Other: cantaloupe, cherries, Luna Protein. more...
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2960 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Desk Work - 9 hours, Driving - 2 hours, Precor Elliptical - 30 minutes, Resting - 4 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
Moose, I'm so glad you were willing to type out your "binge". I didn't even write mine out... but so you understand you aren't the only one I had about 2 cups of ice cream with chocolate syrup, and then followed it up with a HUGE bowl of Cinnamon Toast crunch the other night! Sometimes it just happens. The difference now is we are AWARE and don't allow it to become a daily occurence. Have a good day, be kind to yourself!!! :)
13 Jul 10 by member: Chris1979
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Hi Moose! I think there is something very important in what you said, it's that you overate for a reason. You know why you did it. When we overeat mindlessly, without identifying the WHY, in my opinion that's the worse. You, I, and many other people overeat at times. That is I think part of the human nature to compensate mental uncomfort with physical comfort. The fact that you identify the reason of this is so essential. That doesn't mean you can stop doing it right now, but that's a clear sign that you can work on it, and win the fight at the end. I am at the same point in my life, I overeat sometime but I clearly know why I'm doing it. And it helps me to (sometimes) not doing it. Of course I'm not always strong and it doesn't work all the time. But each victory is added to my mental strenght and I can use it later. (I hope the word "overeating" is adapted and won't offense you. You know I didn't mean to be rude.) Let's be kind with ourselves, we are worth it!
13 Jul 10 by member: jessyline
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The word 'overeating' is perfect jessyline ... no worries!! Overeating sounds like a very kind word ... more so than binging, pigging out, stuffing my face ... so on and so forth!! LOL!! The overeating for emotional reasons upsets me more than simply overeating because something tasted really good and I simply wanted more of it!! I think that is why I am feeling more upset about it. Something to be learned there ... you are right! Kindness. Indeed!!
13 Jul 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Moose thanks for giving me a giggle this morning. I am catholic and that confession will be ingrained on me forever. lol. Every morning when I am blow drying my hair I am repeating prayers over and over in my head and praying for my famil, my friends and myself. You are too funny. Yes we need to be kind and forgive ourselves. I have mad some awful decisions lately myself and it is hard to forgive ourselves but we have to. We are human, we make mistakes. Between you and Info today you guys are killing me. I want Peach Cobbler, I want Hot Fuge Sundaes, I want to know what the heck my mother is cooking for dinner. lol I called her and she won't give the information. This is a big game to her lol. Making the impatient one wait. Sorry for the ramble. I have rambled on a few journals today. I hope I have some buddies left at the end of this day. Take care and enjoy!!!!
13 Jul 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Who is that terrible person who brought the forums to your attention... oh yeah.... anyway, I think my work is pretty much done there lol. People will be who they are, and others will follow because they can't think for themselves - been going on for years. Anyway, I've never made myself a grilled cheese with tortillas - sounds yummy! Soulda put some salsa on that bad boy! But whats done is done - you'll be back to normal soon! Luv ya!
13 Jul 10 by member: MomofTwoGirls
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Hi Moose, I am glad you decided to write this as it is well said. I can relate to revisiting that pattern of living life with eyes closed. It is easy; yet hard. Words are powerful so I am glad you use yours so well as I too am an enternal optimist. Most people just do the best they know how to by their actions and words and they need to know their is hope and room for kindness towards their world and fellow man. TOWANDA!!!
13 Jul 10 by member: Lisa Online
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It definitely seems to be a place for learning. I know I have emotionally binged in the past. I *think* I am past it... but who knows. Only the future can tell. On the other hand, only I can decide. So if I say I will never do it again, and believe it, does that make it so? I sure hope so, but I suspect I don't 100% believe it and this might be a problem. As far as forum nonsense, I would be heartbroken if anything I said offended you, as you are one of my favorite people on here. Clearly a kind, intelligent, and thoughtful mature (in experience, I don't mean that in years or any negative way) woman. So if anything I said was in any way offensive to you or any other of the kind folks on this site, I truly apologize. I am doing my best not to be distracted by it and just to continue to try to help people the way I feel I can. It obviously bothers some people, but I did feel the name calling was... uncalled for. Anyway, that's ridiculous and I even feel bad about even commenting about it because it is so absurd. Next time you want a peach cobbler, just buy one slice :) There are certain things I will not have in my house, despite how much I feel I have conquered these things. My main problem food is potato chips. I simply won't buy them.
13 Jul 10 by member: k8yk
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MadAboutMoose, it seems that we are all having some difficult times right now. I saw a simply marvelous looking peach pie at Costco the other day. It was deep dish, with a wonderful, golden brown crust, that had been sprinkled with sugar, and it looked scrumptious. It was a 12" pie, and I almost bought it, because my hubby does love peach pie. But he is on this journey with me now and so I didn't have an excuse. Thanks goddness, because I probably would have eaten the whole darned thing and been sick for a week! I have also discovered that I can't keep Emerald cocoa roast almonds in the house, because there is no such thing as one serving! And I would agree that we all need to be kinder to ourselves. It doesn't do us any good to beat ourselves up for simply being human! Hope that you have a wonderful day, and even better tomorrow!
13 Jul 10 by member: ctlss
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Kate ... I knew as I put that discounted peach cobbler in my cart yesterday it wasn't a good idea!! LOL!! Oh well ... life goes on. I have not been personally offended by anyone here lately ... just makes me sad to see so much misunderstanding going on. It is the peacemaker in me I think!! LOL!! Thanks for the apology though ... it is much appreciated. This journey and the topic of weight loss is very emotionally laden. I sense your passion. I myself have been the kind of person some people have been 'offended' and accused of being 'intimdating' or 'psychoanalyzing' so I am particularly sensitive to wondering what is behind people's reactions and assumptions. So ... no worries about me ... and thanks!!
13 Jul 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Hi Moose A friend told me a couple of days ago that we shouldn't expect to be happy all the time and pain, rage, suffering and disappointment are all parts of life's rich tapestry and we fail to equip ourselves to deal with the slings and arrows life brings. I didn't say anything but was offended as I felt as though she was telling me I wasn't coping. On reflection I can see she meant 'society in general'. Further musings made me wonder why some of us deal with the 'slings and arrows' by hurting ourselves even more by overeating. I suppose if I could come up with an answer to that I'd be rich and famous! Keep on being kind to yourself and keep on repeatng the mantra.
13 Jul 10 by member: flaxseed
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Flax ... I think there are particular emotions and/or thoughts that make me more prone to overeating than others. It is funny ... the cancer, my FIL's illness and subsequent death, and other things have not triggered emotional eating. It is a much more personal pain that I tend to medicate with food. I guess that is good to know ... and good to acknowledge because I used to self-medicate with food for all the 'slings and arrows' as you mentioned. I think your friend is right though ... pain, anger, suffering, disappointment and so forth really are a part of life's rich tapestry. If we expect to "always" be "happy" or "upbeat" we are bound to be disappointment with ourselves. Thanks for sharing ... and I vote for writing a book and getting 'rich and famous' even if you don't really have the answers yet.
13 Jul 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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An 'emotional binger"... I am one !!! I have discovered that it is necessary for me to log even when i have a horrible day like that!!!
hope today is better for you!!!...
I am glad I don't like cobbler... becuase I would have eaten it all... with the way i am feeling.... last week i ate 4 servings of m&m's... Yuck now... but oh so yummy last week... and they were peanut butter M&M's.. MY FAVORITE!!!
13 Jul 10 by member: amy1flite
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First off I'd like to say your really an awesome person! I really enjoy reading your journals.....your humor is too funny!
Second I LOVE your adding your List of what your grateful for!!! Wish everyone thought like that!!! We ALL need to focus on the good!
And if it makes you feel better....My name is Kelly I ALSO having an eating in the middle of night problem!!! (admitting IS the first step is it not?lol) mine comes in spurts....and I can't explain WHY....my older sister...ALSO same problem! Since starting this journey I have been really good about NOT buying snacks I like. The problem is...the other night while having one of my "episodes"....that's what I call them......I ATE more than my fare share of kelloggs fiber bars. (I have to say they are YUMMY)
It wasn't until the next day when me and my bathroom became best friends did I TRULY realize what I had consumed!!! Ugh.
Your truly right in practicing the kindness to yourself. It's amazing we will forgive a friend who stabs us in the back....but forgiving ourselves for a little eating binge....uhhhh so much harder!!!!!
13 Jul 10 by member: Klannoye
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I love the description of late night eating as an 'episode' ... LOL ... it sounds like we have a seizure disorder!!! I really appreciate ALL the comments. I am so glad I wrote even though I did not feel like it. I have learned that usually when I DON'T want to do something it is the time I benefit MOST from doing whatever it is I am resisting. Funny. So far I have done well today with my choices but the night is young!! The issue that was troubling me has been discussed and easily resolved. The anxiety is therefore dissipated. That is positive. I have NOT spent the day beating myself up over last night's calories. That is also positive. I am feeling hungry but I have a refrigerator full of fresh fruit to choose from if I decide I want a snack. I had to laugh with Klannoye about the fiber bars ... I've done that!! So life goes on. This journey of life continues. Isn't it grand? We are so fortunate to have this community. I am so fortunate to have you all. Thanks buddies!! You all ROCK!!
13 Jul 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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P.S. LOL Lisa Online is an ETERNAL not ENTERNAL Optimist (Blushing). Jeez I must have been half asleep when I typed to my buds this A.M. TOWANDA!!
13 Jul 10 by member: Lisa Online
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A few days of overeating (medicating) is easily fixed. I'm more concerned with what you think is causing it (your business of course) and if that situation can be cleared away promptly. I hope it's not something too hard on you. Take care moose...
14 Jul 10 by member: information
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Moose, your act of contrition is 10 Hail Marys and a boatload of KINDNESS! I am/was Catholic and I don't know if I said that right. I also self-medicate with food only with certain deep-seated issues. I'm torn about the not logging. On one hand, I think it's helpful to log even on bad days. But when it's REALLY bad--why put yourself through the pain all over again?? Just move forward and try to forgive yourself. And I've been dreaming about peach cobbler for days. Tis the season.
14 Jul 10 by member: beets_yum
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Beets you made me laugh!!! I 'know' what I ate ... I could go back and add it to my food journal. It would be entertaining if nothing else. Surely near 4000 calories for that day I think!! Thank you for the act of contrition Sister Beets!!! Info ... the situation which was connected to the overeating (self medicating) is resolved. Sometimes I just work myself up more than I need to ... but certain issues are triggers ... old stuff that rears its ugly head into my adult present life in strange ways sometimes. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who listens to me and helps me sort it out, get it conscious, and let it go ... again and again!!! Thanks buddies!!! I can always count on you!!
14 Jul 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Oh Beets, it's penance. The Act of Contrition is a prayer you say during your confession.
15 Jul 10 by member: alllicat
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