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I didn't even weigh myself this morning because I am afraid to look. Today I am going to hit the water intake hard. I think a large part of my temptation to snack is due to dehydration. I think I will go to the gym today, too. I have been missing it.
The meeting with my dad wasn't all that I hoped it would be but it wasn't a complete waste of time, either. It looks like I will have another meeting with him and my stepmother soon. One of the things that I took away from the meeting that I think is true in so many aspects of my life is this:
I am my own worst enemy. The mind is a beautiful and dangerous thing. I have to be vigilant in guarding against negative, false, and irrational thinking. For the better part of a year I have been tearing a big hole in my heart believing that my father doesn't love me and that he never wanted me. It's not true and even if it was, why should I choose to dwell on such things? The counselor had an interesting way of describing these negative thoughts as a kind of self-injury. Furthermore, a statement like, "I am hurt because my father doesn't love me" lets me shift the blame for the injury to my father instead of taking responsiblity for the thought myself.
Here's another popular one I hear a lot on this site:
"Even if I lose weight and get down to my goal weight, I will never be attractive because of X, Y, or Z." Not only is this negative, it is also not true. Being attractive is more than just physical appearance. A large part of what makes people attractive is their confidence and their character. Yes, physical appearance plays a part but there are all kinds of ways to hide or de-emphasize not-so-lovely aspects of the body and play up the best aspects instead.
So, here's to taking back control of my thoughts and continuing on my quest to be kinder to myself.
Diet Calendar Entry for 20 December 2012:
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1283 kcal
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Fat: 99.73g | Prot: 68.90g | Carb: 18.43g.
Lunch: mexican shredded cheese, strips, Egg. Dinner: cheesecake, ranch dressing, hot wings, italian sausage, ham, bacon, mozzarella cheese. more...
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 Comments
I'm glad you got something positive out of that meeting. The part about shifting blame, thats something I'm going to have to think about. We are all responsible for our own actions but I never considered that we are responsible for the way we feel and think and avoiding that doesn't make the problem going away. Thanks for sharing that.
20 Dec 12 by member: fatoldlady
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Wow, what an inspiration. Negative thoughts are terrible especially about ourselves. You can only control what you do think and say-not what others do think or say. Remember that.
20 Dec 12 by member: ranchwoman
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Erin your Journal touched me. I know that negative mental commentary so well 'gee, I must be completely unworthy as my parents abandoned me when I was only 6 months old and even though I made the effort to finally find my father when I was 35 he still doesn't want anything to do with me so maybe if I were better, thinner, richer....' see?? Own your anger and you'll control your thoughts. You cannot change how people act, only how you react to them. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Or you may use the one I finally had to assign to my absentee father: “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
20 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
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wow. good joural Erin. I can will try to take somethinga way from this, and from the comments as well.
20 Dec 12 by member: JessWhatINeeded
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20 Dec 12 by member: Neptunebch
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Hey girl..you have to be a very special person..cause I think you are beautiful, loving, kind and thoughtful..that to me is prettier than the out side any day of the week..I love your smile and you have beautiful eyes..and you are sooo right we are our own worst enemy..be kind to you...YOU deserve it..and thanks for stopping by my journal...
Enjoy your evening...:O)
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I can relate to your feelings. My father didn't abandon me, but he did physically abuse me as a child because he couldn't control his temper. I put on weight to keep men away because I was afraid of them and didn't want any more abuse. Through the years, I've come to realize that God made me wonderful and in his image which is beautiful and worthy. We can only control ourselves--how we think and how we respond and act. Don't accept the negative thoughts as true, because they are not. Parents are not perfect. Sometimes it's difficult to get that through our heads and why we always accept things as our own fault. Well, I say phooey!! I won't accept blame for someone else's actions or words and neither should you. You are worthy and anyone that doesn't realize that is missing getting to know a great person. Now that IS the truth!!
20 Dec 12 by member: worm2butterfly2012
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You guys are the best! These comments made my day. :)
21 Dec 12 by member: Eringiffin
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